Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
This is a sad, dark day in NFL circles. The New York Giants front office should of had more patients with Ben McAdoo, if only because I very badly wanted to see the level of depth as to how badley he could of screwed this franchise up. For that I will always be left wondering about what could of been had he been left to his own devices. As legendary sea captain John Paul Jones put it- “I have not yet begun to lose the lockeroom.” NFL fans deserved the opportunty to see what kind of strange stunts he could of pulled on his way out. Maybe he could of given everyone a boat. Maybe he could of put more gel in his hair. We will never know and that will allways haunt me. I had drawn up a entire road map for how he could of saved his job but the Giants acted with their trademark impatience and pulled the wool out from me:
1- He could of Blackmailed the Mara family with some really embarassing information demonstrating there own incompetence, like the fact that they hired Ben McAdoo as there head coach.
2- Made a sex tape. That way if you get fired, there slut shaming you and this is 2017 we’re a sex positive culture. Lets all take a moment to imagining Ben McAdoo having sex and I think we can all agree he seems like a guy whod put on a Weird Al Yankovich album to set the mood while he attached a go pro camera to one of his dozens of electric trains he has whizzing all around his bedroom. At the very least the cinematography would be ground breaking and thats the kind of splash that could put him on the short list for the Cowboys gig.
3- Added a few more formations that dont work to his wierd huge playsheet. I think the main issue here was that there simply werent enough plays.
4- Just dont answer your phone. This is the easiest way to not get fired of all time. Go back to like the 1800s with your technologcal lifestyle and just live out on the practice field in a tent. Its a fact that you cant get fired, divorced, arrested, or forced to pay any outstaning debts as long as you dont pick up any phone calls.
5- Faked a pregnancy. I know hes not a woman, but it wouldnt suprise me in the least if Ben McAdoo showed up to work one day 6 months pregnant and shrugged it off to reporters as “just kind of one of those weird deals” in a press conference
I would love to make a argument that maybe McAdoo can come back to the sidelines in like a Bobby Valentime disguise but truth be told there is literaly no difference between what Ben McAdoo looks like on a normal weekday eating at a lunch counter than there is if he were to be put into witness protection program and relocated to Missouri. The FBI agents would be like “well lets get you a stupid musta… wait how about we make your hair all wierd and slimy… actualy can we hide your shifty little eyes behind a pair of sunglasses that look like they belong on an background actor from the televiion series Bloodline. Well Im fresh out of ideas.” The only way McAdoo would be more undercover is if he were coaching the Tennessee Titans because no one would care. Mike Mularkey, Ken Whisenhunt, and whoever the guy they had before him who probly looked exactly like a mix of Mike Mularkey, Ben McAdoo, and Ken Wisenhunt. This guy stole so much money and blends in so seamlessly he should switch name’s with Richie Incognito.
Irregardless I think there are two solutions for the Giants here- first of all they need to look long in hard at the Mangenius Eric Mangini. Finally, a gini for MEN. Ben McAdoo is basicaly like if you re-virginized Eric Mangini and hit him in the head with a shovel so it would be just about as smooth a transition as you could hope for. Why do I like the idea of Mangini? simple: he discovered Danny Woodhead out of college and that eye for talent is ecatly what the Giants need. Odell All-Hands on Deckham can set sail on a boat all he wants but frankly the only ship Danny wants to be on is the championship. Give me a team of 11 Danny Woodheads and probably alot of steroids and I’ll show you a team that can win a Superbowl. Plus I just want to see the Mangini/Belichick handshake when the Giant’s beat the Patriots.
The other option is for the Giants to go all in and switch from the coach with the worse hair in the league to the coach with the best: thats right- ROB Ryan. A real Mans-Mangini. We’ve seen the experiment with Rex as the coach and Rob as his enforcer but why not go ball’s to the wall and put Arthur Shelby in charge of the peaky fucking blinders? Rob is the George W Bush of the Ryan famly and we all know that low-energy Rex would of never had the passion nor the inclination to ever dodge a shoe. And how many wars has Jeb Bush won? Zero. And George? Well you cant loose a war if you never end it so tehnicaly he’s undefeated. Its sad that in todays NFL a man cant get offered a job even though two members of his family worked in the league for a combined 70 years. Meritocricy is the new nepotism and thats depressing. So therefore its time to break out the big guns. I will now be partaking in my annual tradition of #NoRobNoRub where I go on a masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets a head coaching opportunty. Sorry Commissioner Goodell, not tonight- I have a headache.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Rob Gronkowski
Rob Gronkowski became public enemy number one just because he knocked Tre’Davious White out for no good reason. While its customary for Rob, and in a diffrent way, Aaron Hernandez, to partake in body shots- this was the first time hes appeared to of targeted another mans head. But people forget that Gronk is on record as saying that hed rather get a concussion then a knee injury so Rob thought he was doing White a favor by trying to destroy his brain. In his own way, Gronk did more yetserday to improve the health of his fellow NFL players then any doctor has done in the past 40 years. When was the last time a sciencist prevented a knee injury? Well Gronk did it yesterday sorry haters.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Tonights game is the Steelers and the Bengals and FYI these team’s dont like each other very much. You can throw out the record books and the City of Cincinatti has retracted there previously issued amber alert for any love that may of been lost between them. The matchup to watch for is Vontaze Burfict and Ben Rothlisberger, two guys that wether its on a football field or at a bar- you defnitely dont want to take cheap shots from.
2. Speaking of big dumb things that are tough to bring down, The Silverdome pulled a reverse-Lions and failed to collapse yetserday. The Silverdome, or “The House that Jerome Bettis played in one time” will forever be known in Detroit as the iconic building that you drove past on your way home from the casino
3. Joe Flacco is back in a big way folks.
Given the ample supply of crabs it woud seem as thought Baltimore would be a better fit for a Jameis Winson type than a Flacco but Joe’s always been full of suprises. As first reported by me, and later confirmed by myself and I, the Ravens have entrenched themselfs in the “dont look now” category. They sit poised to make the playoffs with a reltively easy schedule down the stretch. If the season ended today, The Ravens would beat the Titans in the first round of the playoffs and then go to Foxboro where they would lose to the Patriots who will technicaly cheat by running a play that John Harbaugh didnt understand how to defend.
4. Marshawn Lynch had a interesting way of describing his random drug test
You call it your ding ding cuz its got a bell end. Kind of disgusting that Lynch thinks he can talk about the act of peeing into a cup while a guy watches your dick and then carries your urine to a sink and dips a piece of paper into it in such a immature manner.
5. Herm Edwards has been named head coach of the Arizona State Sun Devils. While this woud appear to be a perfect fit in name for Mike Shanahan, ASU went outside the box and hired someone with zero college football head coaching experence to take over the storied program that has produced such notable alumni as Brock Osweiler and probably a couple of BMX guys. I would of personally brought in Sarkisian get a guy who knows a Pac 12 literally backward and forward.
But just in case you thought Herm didnt know how to effectiveley run a program- he’s here to put those thoughts to bed
Absoluteley correct. We spend so much time as a society trying to run as many plays as possble that its a double edged sword. We put alot more film out for the Devil to watch and learn our tendencies. Sometimes you gotta slow thing’s down and learn a bit from history. Pangea was a huddle. Heck, the unverse itself started out as the tightest huddle of all time until god yelled break. The British Empire ran a spread offense for years relying on signals from the head coach but all that does is just treat your own guys like there on an island. Meanwhile Vatican City is small, condensed and they circle the wagons and huddle every sunday its called mass.
6. Dont look now but the Jeff Fisher to Cleveland rumors are starting to pick up some momentum. This goes to prove my Beetlejuice theory that if a team serously considers hiring three new coaches and they all fall through, Jeff Fisher will show up in the office to try and abscond with the job. I gotta beleve that Fisher is your classic traveling salesman and he sees Jimmy Haslam as the easist mark of all time whether its the Browns gig, or the UT opening hes also involved in.
7. We spent time up in Buffalo for a Bills tailgate yetserday and let me tell you those people know how to party. HOWEVA (Stephen A Smith voice), there is some concern in league circles that the Bills fans are trying to take away our basic human rights
History has demonstrated that the only thing that can stop a bad guy w a funnel is a good guy w a funnel, and that if dizzy bats are outlawed, only outlaws will have dizzy bats. I guess tradition dosen’t matter anymore to some people- if you had outlawed table slamming 2,000 years ago then Jesus wouldn’t of been able to show the money changers whose boss, and we;d be living in a world where the top .1% control 90% of the worlds wealth and then where would we be?
8. Shots fired at the moon:
The moon is overated. Literaly disappears in the 4th quarter.
9. Heres a fun but very misleading stat by the gotcha journlists at ProFootballTalk who continue to show their bias towards all the teams that I like, while supporting all the teams I dont like:
Well of course hes the only person to of done it, because it should be written as fewer then 90 yards not less than. Its remarkable that Brett Hundly was able to accomplish something thats grammatically impossible so I guess you gotta take you’re cap off to him. Goes to show you just how screwed up the verbage in Mike McCarthys offense truly is.
10. The Vikings and Falcons played there game on a incorrectley marked field, since the hashmarks had been repainted after the SEC champonship game to be about half a foot too close together. While many thought this was a unbecoming goof-up for the NFL, those of us with a keen since of the history behind the game knew that by coming up 7 inches short it actualy a touching tribute to Atlanta and Minnesota former QB Brett Favre.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? A One Stop Shop For Vitamin/Hepatitis C
I would say this beats all, but its actualy Tennessee colors so that wouldn’t be factually accurate. This is the latest chapter in Budweisers quest to make sure its most loyal drinker’s can susbsist on nothing but light beer without getting scurvy and I think were getting pretty close. Finally, a beer flavored to weed out all the pre madonnas who brush there teeth before drinking a beer in the morning.