There's A Hot New Suicide Machine On The Market That Lets You Kill Yourself Whenever You Want

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(LifeNews)Australia’s best-known euthanasia activist, Dr Philip Nitschke, is back in the news with another machine for committing suicide, the Sarco capsule. The machine will allow anyone who has the access key to end their life by simply pressing a button. Developed in the Netherlands by Nitschke and an engineer, the machine can be 3D printed and assembled in any location. Access to the Sarco capsule will be by an on-line mental questionnaire which will provide a four-digit access code. When the person lies in the capsule, he can activate it and liquid nitrogen will rapidly drop the oxygen level, leading to death a few minutes. The novel feature is that the capsule can be detached from the Sarco machine and used as a sleek and shiny coffin. The machine base can be re-used.

First of all, “back in the news with another machine for committing suicide” is a hilarious sentence. Phillip Nitschke’s life’s work is making sure people can off themselves without a mess. Respectable, I guess, but I’m not in on this thing. That will come as a surprise to anyone who’s ever heard me voice an opinion about anything, as I’m not exactly a chipper fellow, yet I still can’t get in bed with the Sacro capsule.

Why? First of all, I’m not sure we need a suicide machine because everything is a suicide machine if you put your mind to it. Grocery bags, shallow pools, guns, ropes, tall buildings, small buildings and a sailor dive, Advil, shoelaces, absolutely anything can get the job done. Don’t use a five dollar word when a fifty cent one will do and don’t spend what I can only imagine is tons of money on a suicide machine when you can simply jump in the tub with a home appliance. Your family members are going to be upset enough, don’t spend all your money and leave them with nothing so they can’t even online shop their grief away.

Plus, what’s all this online mental questionnaire business about? I need to pass a test to kill myself? What if I fail that test, won’t I just want to kill myself more because I’m so stupid I’m not even allowed to kill myself? I bought a fucking suicide machine, the mental evaluation is complete. Back off and let me live, and by live I mean die.


PS – I love that they market it as reusable. Is that a FAQ from buyers? People want to pass this down so their future generations, who are predisposed to mental depression, can use it as well? “I’m going to use this suicide machine like my father, and his father before him. I hope one day that my son will get as much joy out of it as I’m about to.”