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Texas Congressman In Some Hot Water For Sending The Worst Sexts Imaginable

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(DailyMail)Texas Congressman Joe Barton has apologized for a leaked nude photo of him that is currently circulating online but says he no plans to resign over it. The Republican from Ennis acknowledged the sexually explicit photo in a statement on Wednesday saying it was taken in recent years when he was separated from his second wife. ‘While separated from my second wife, prior to the divorce, I had sexual relationships with other mature adult women. Each was consensual. Those relationships have ended,’ the 68-year-old said in a statement. ‘I am sorry I did not use better judgment during those days. I am sorry that I let my constituents down.’

There is a WHOLE lot going on here so let’s just focus on the highlights.

1) The angle. Joe, what the hell man? I know we’ve all heard endlessly about how women are most attracted to the bottom of a penis but you have gotttt to be kidding me with that. Goodness! Everyone’s got their own method of sexting (personally I’m a fluffed guy, not full boner, because it leaves a little something to the imagination. I’m a classy girl) but no one with full mental capabilities should look at that pic and think, “This is the one that’s gonna get her going.” If your fat gut, juicy titties, gray hair, and glasses are prominent images in your sext then leave that shit on the cutting room floor. Be like a normal dude and send a pic of your gross dick with absolutely nothing else in the picture so it can’t be used for scale. Think, you fool. Old folks are bad at technology, I’m aware, but consult a millennial before sending cock shots.

2) “I had sexual relationships with other mature adult women.” Not a super great look for our politicians when you need to specify that you were sexting adults. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know this seems bad, but she wasn’t a 14 year old I tried to pick up at a mall after having a cheap portrait company take these pictures. She’s an adult and a woman so, you know, pretty good all things considered.

3) Shout to the midday sext! Folks seem to think sexting is a late night game but I couldn’t disagree more. Send that shit in the middle of lunch so I can spend the second half of the day thinking about what’s at home for me. Show me the light at the end of the tunnel! Tell me what’s for dinner! Let’s get nasty in broad daylight and in the middle of a meeting, babe. Just not sure Joe knows what “deep” means. Buddy, we see the picture. That thing literally looks like you haven’t seen your willy in twenty years, Fat Bastard style. Harry Stamper never missed his depth but you are no Harry Stamper, sir.

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4) Sexting a girl with a flip phone and t9 texting? Have some self-respect, congressman. I wouldn’t even sext Emily Ratjakowski if her nastiness was surrounded by those gross green bubbles. Get horny while knowing she’s on the other side of the phone, pressing a button 4 times just so she can get a letter “S”? Absolutely could not be me.

So I hate to sit here and call for another perverts job, but I think Joe Barton needs to resign. Not because he sends sexts, everyone does that and if they don’t they’re a lame, but because he sends terrible sexts from terrible angles to women using terrible phones. Can’t have a guy with judgement that poor making decisions in Congress.