I'm Gonna Be So Pissed If These Giant Crabs Ate Amelia Earhart

Statesman- There’s a theory that giant crabs overwhelmed Amelia Earhart, dismembered her and carried her bones underground.

Speculative, at best. Sounds crazy, we know. But so has almost every other horrifying rumor about the so-called coconut crabs — until science inevitably proves them true. They grow to the size of dogs. They climb trees, and tear through solid matter with claws nearly as strong as a lion’s jaws. And now, finally, we have video evidence that the crabs — thousands strong on one island — can scale trees and hunt full-grown birds in their nests. But what, wondered Mark Laidre, do they eat?

“Few studies of this remarkable animal’s behavior have been undertaken since Darwin’s Beagle voyage,” the Dartmouth College biologist wrote in a paper published this month. That they ate coconuts had been established long ago, of course. And like other crabs, Laidre wrote, they were known to scavenge off corpses (leaving aside whether Amelia Earhart was one of them.)

YO. What the FUCK?! Some video of this giant crab eating a bird went viral yesterday, YP blogged it, and now because of that we’re saying maybe GIANT CRABS ATE AMELIA EARHART AND DRAGGED HER CORPSE UNDERGROUND?! What world are we living in? I miss the good ol’ days when we speculated that Amelia was kidnapped by the Japanese based on a photo so blurry it could’ve been a rorschach test.

As a noted Amelia Earhart superfan, I’d be fucking pissed if this is the way my girl went. Giant crabs eating you slowly isn’t fun OR badass. Like, if she went down in the Bermuda Triangle, at least that’s cool! We can imagine it was some awesome storm that sent her into a nosedive, and maybe she survived the crash and lived for years on the haunted islands, fighting off wildlife and monsters with a makeshift machete made from a piece of her plane! If she was a kidnapped prisoner of war in Japan…that’s rough…but it’d make for a great movie!

Big ass slow fuckin’ crabs devouring her though, not good. I’d be disappointed in Amelia for lack of heart shown there. It took the crab like a billion hours to even get the bird in yesterday’s video to stop freaking the fuck out, imagine how long you’d have to sit there for crabs to eat you alive? You have to basically work with them to make sure they can kill you, and if I know Amelia like I know Amelia, she’d NEVER let that happen.