MMBM: I'm Throwing Away Every GQ Magazine In My Low-T Clinic's Waiting Room As Protest Against Roger Goodell Not Being Named Man Of The Year
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Websters dictonary defines “a lack of creativty” as someone who starts a essay with a derivative trope, and if youve ever read a statement from Roger Goodell you would probably agree that he is many great things- but a outide the box thinker isnt one of them. So over the past couple weeks it hasnt really been a suprise to see Jerry Jones run cocaine induced cirles around the commissioner, whose biggest fault has been that he’s too trusting and a really nice guy. First thing’s first Goodell needs to set up a AIM profile while he still can and put “dont mistake my kindness for weakness” in the profile to nip this type of talk right in the bud. But also he needs to prepare for war.
Goodells downfall is that he has not been hard enough on domestic violence for Jerry Jones taste. Jerry has seen first hand how week Commissoner Goodell has been when it comes to matters related to domestic violence given his proximty to the Ezekial Elliott case. Its allmost like the judicial system is set up to a point were its easier for a billionare to sue another bunch of billionares for a little bit more of there money than it is to suspend a player for domestic and sexual assault, and Jerry Jones is at the forefront of recognizing the discrepency and needing it remedied. Now a report came out that Jerry Jones is trying to get Roger Goodell fired, and again this is were Goodells friend-first principal type persona is a real problem for him. Jones isnt messing around hes secured protection from Papa John and you know who else was a manical egotistcal leader who made people wear stars & alinged himself with a Italian? Think about it.
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And now, as a way to help the owner’s feel like they’re getting a satisfactory product- Roger Goodell has apparentley been making demands for a $50 million per year salary. While many are using this to paint him as greedy, Its actually a very considerate thing for him to do- when your buying a new car do you want one that costs 20 grand or one that a crying emaciated gypsy begs you to take off his hands for free so that he can get rid of a curse? People want to feel like there getting a valuable product, so the Commissoners $50 million counteroffer is his way of doing the owners a favor. Also of note is Goodells demand for the lifetime use of a private jet, and the owners would be dumb not to give it to him specially if the jet is a F-18 Hornet equipped with air-to-surface missiles capable of conducting a shock and awe tactical strike against Pacman Jones. The best things in life are free, so technicaly if your arguing paying Goodell less you are also saying hes doing a perfect job. Checkmate.
Best case scenario is I want to see a remake of trading places where Jerry Jones and Arthur Blank try to prove that even Bud Selig could even be a effecent commissioner and fail miserbly as he retroactively ends Superbowl XXXIX in a tie and makes Donovan McNabbs head explode. But as it stands Roger Goodell is being a total cuck for letting Jerry walk all over him instead of sticking up every owner, stealing there money, and high-tailing it for Mexico City ahead of next weeks NFL south of the border matchup between the Raiders and the Patriots.
And yes, the Commish is dealing with lot’s of player safety issues given the amount of superstars who are getting banged up but just this weekend Deshone Kizer took a nasty shot to the ribs proving that its not just good player’s who are getting hurt this year. He shoud arrive to the next owners meeting with binders full of injured players who’re owned by less then 50% of all fantasy leagues to show that hes doing his part to cull the herd. Again its simply a lack of creativty.
And of course also not forget about his messmanagement of the whole protesting thing either. Not only does he have player’s taunting him but hes also got his own employees kicking sand in his face with this incredble display of, I’m not sure, but its something
Look at this setup its incredible. The guy went to the store, bought safety pins, and hand a handwritten note lamnated just in the event of inclement weather. He is the Jackie Robinson of fringe NFL employees who have engaged in protest by protesting a protest and for that i think we can all agree that we repsect his commitment to being weird, however it is also true that this is not a man who has a healthy repsect for the commissoner of the NFL. People use to fear Roger, now there spiking takes in his face on national television. You know who would of never tried to deliver a message contradicting his leader while holding a tablet? Moses. Goodell needs to get old school, and drop this New Testament personalty ASAP.
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On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: The Nude Bills Fan
The nudity is realy what makes it here. The most impressive streak in Buffalo wasnt the Saints 7 game winning snap but rather this fans commitment to literaly leaving it all out on the field. Gonna have to wait for the gametape to come out to really analyze his angles and quick twitch, but I’m not sure if its going to have to be put behind a firewall as pornography. Technicaly if were going by the numbers All-22 is All-18+:
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Hurricanes verse Fighting Irish was a matchup we allmost got to see twice in a year thanks to global warming but instead we had to settle for a game that was pretty much over before it started on Saturday Night. When did this:
Become cooler then this:
In my day we didnt need a peace of jewelry to tell you that your playing good defense, in fact it was quite the opposite all I cared about was making the other guys ear-ring.
2. Rex Burkhead had the old Ricky Prohl hat trick where you do one good thing and then two others that dont show up in the stat sheet as he caught a TD, blocked a punt, and activeley particpated in good sportsmanship all night. Meanwhile tricky Bill Belchick was up to no good with his left handed punters who are probably also fro Australia therefor doubling the correolis affect. Sooner or later teams are going to wise up and Bills going to evolve make his punter do the stranger &sit on his foot till it goes numb before he kicks it to realy throws off the returners rhythm.
3. As someone whose vehemently anti-celebraton but also vehemently pro-low-padlevel, I am vehemently conflicted about how to feel with this celebration
4. Vontaze Burfict got ejected for “making contact’ with a official folks Im not saying there wasnt contacct made, but the film of Building Seven was more conclusive then Vontazes “shove”. Irregardless maybe its time for officals to wear body cameras just so that we can be conclusive with our disipline here. Where do we draw the line at making contact- is it ok to hug or slap a officials butt? One things for sure, Roger Goodell is going to use this event as a pretext to supsend Vontaze Burfict for like 70 games & get the owners all back on his side because sometimes you gotta play the hits. Like when your approval rating sinks low as Presdent you can either threaten North Korea who everyone hates, or you can send a large amount troops to some place to solve a problem you created by sending a small amount of troops there. Supsending Vontaze is like getting back together with a ex-girlfriend for Goodell if things ever get to dire he always has him to fall back on before you get into your rebound stage with Kenny Britt.
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5. Sean Lees hamstring is basicaly a walking advent calendar to let you know were getting close to Thanksgiving every year and that thing popped open yetserday right on time.
6. Jacksonville verse San Diego was the game of the millenium. There were interceptions, more interceptions, an interception that was allmost thrown so poorly that it couldnt be intercepted, Philip Rivers acting like a spazz in general, penalties for taunting a player who got a penalty that didnt count, roughing the “passer” and a all time overtime finish of another interception, penalty, and a kick that cleared the crossbar by like a foot.
The game itself was incredble down to the final kick where Anthony Lynn iced his defense of line and they bareley even blocked the kick. This is were the Jags were at a advantage having Dante Fowler who refuses to be iced he just calls it on the rocks.
7. What the hell
8. The Ahmed memorial clock management award of the week goes to Hue Jackson who, in the wake of the latest Rick Pitino news decided he could get a ball off in 13 seconds. And suprised suprised, once again heres France inserting themselfs into a situation were Kizers are delivering bombs to Britts.
9. Sabermetrics update:
When I first saw this graphic I though Fox was geting in on the beginning of college basketball season by publishing BYUs starting lineup along with there althleticism ratings on a scale of 1-10.
10. Fedex Field turf is back in midseason form which basicaly means it looks like the aftermath of a tank battle in World War 2 except theres nobody really taking shots that woud be described as high caliber. The green sandbox is actually a huge home feild advantage for the R-words because teams dont gameplan on playing verse your starters because they know they are all going to get hurt within the first 15 mins. Having to spend more time plotting out how to stop Colt McCoy then Kirk Cousins is like spending more time thinking about the getaway then the robbery if you are literaly coming up with a heist where you steal candy from a baby.
11. What a performence by the Brocket Ship last night. When the most memorable pass of your night was a incomopletion thats how you know your a rare talent.
Brock Osweiler is a danger to society pic.twitter.com/V623T08UJB
— Barstool Sports (@barstooltweetss) November 13, 2017
He absoluteley lit this guy up like a Christmas tree here, and its sad how defenseless he was to this sort of a attack. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a Brock Osweiler is a good guy with a Brock Osweiler
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???
Im here to announce a long position in stock in fulbacks. We are going to see a massive market correction over the next 5 years, bringing the greatest positon in sports. What does a long positon means? Well technicaly its a 3rd and short position but it means I am buying up all laminated jersey numbers in the 40s and hoarding them until they become the new cryptocurrency of Gritcoin that Ive been trying to get off the ground for the last 4 years. Here are some prime examples of fullbacks on parade:
Wisconsin is a entire football team and fanbase made out of 100% fullbacks its simply incredible. Then theres this
I dont like that this implys that there was ever a time when fullbacks werent great to be honest. Its not the fullback thats changed its the world around it. The world went and got itself in a damn big hurry instead of letting its block’s develop.