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Harvard Holds Anal Sex Class 6 Years After I Graduated

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The College Fix- A workshop at Harvard University on Tuesday night delved into the ins and outs of anal sex, with a presenter denouncing the “stupidity of abstinence” and the joys of “putting things in your butt,” according to a College Fix reporter who attended the event.

At one point the presenter leading the workshop passed out gloves and butt plugs to students as she offered instructions on anal relaxation techniques.

“Remember it’s all about practice, practice, practice,” said the presenter, Natasha, a representative of the Cambridge-based adult shop Good Vibrations.

Showing students a special medical-grade butt plug, she said “a local guy named Greg makes these—salt of the Earth!”

A slide shown during the event listed other perks: “because it feels good,” “tantalizing taboo” and “increases truth/intimacy.”

Ah, lovely. Harvard imports an anal specialist 6 years after I leave campus. I’m not saying I would have been able to convince my college girlfriend to attend the anal class with me, but it would have been a conversation at least. “We should see what she has to say,” pleaded Francis to the deaf ears of his brilliant girlfriend, who continued reading her biomedical engineering textbook en route to a brilliant medical career wherein rectal examinations are commonplace. Whatever. I’m totally over it.

You know what the problem with a class like this is? This class makes guys think that women like anal sex. It just takes one lady espousing the joys of putting things in your butt, and every dude in town thinks SEE? SHE SPEAKS ON BEHALF OF ALL WOMEN. She’s an expert! She’s teaching at Harvard, and they wouldn’t hire a quack anal teacher, right? Come on babe, let’s try it again. You heard the lady–practice, practice, practice!

I don’t care how many times some sexual guru lady says that women enjoy anal sex; I’m not buying it. I’ve been around too long, had too many conversations on the subject, have been denied even a knock at the door too many times to continue living in the la la land of happy anal campers. “It feels like a gigantic shit is being shoved back up your butthole” was the line that officially closed the book for me. Are there some women who enjoy anal? Maybe. Where are they? In porn. Not at Trader Joes, the gym, or the bar, or wherever you find women whom you don’t have to pay for sex.

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How about young Dr. Ruth’s reasons for trying it. Increases truth? Is that what they mean by “enhanced interrogation techniques” at Guantanamo?

“Tell us where Osama is!”

“I don’t know!”

“Here comes another finger!”

“PAAAAAAA-PAKISTAN. HE’S IN PAKISTAN.”