Live EventBarstool Picks Central | Friday, September 30th, 2022 Presented by FireballWatch Now

Not Going To Lie, Jezebel's Map Of Bros Across America Nailed Chicago Perfectly....

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(Source) Like “hipster” and “douchebag,” the word “bro” has been applied to such a vast swath of American culture that it seems no one is really sure what it means anymore. Turns out, much of that confusion can be attributed to the fact that a bro is different depending on where in the Bronited States of Bromerica you’re currently bro’ing down.

 

 

I don’t read Jezebel, I’m not even sure I fully understand what it is. I think its a troll site to get men really angry about things on the internet. Whatever, anyway, someone just sent this to me and I have to admit they got us in Chicago good. Absolutely crushed it. No sarcasm whatsoever, they knocked it out of the park.

 

The Chicago Bro

Uniform: North Face jacket, Big 10 college sweatshirt (ALMA MATER ONLY), athletic shoes. During the summer, basketball shorts, a college tee shirt, baseball cap, and sandals. Toes aplenty among the bros of Chicago during warm weather.
Job: Consulting or accounting. Finance, but not, like, sexy finance. Maybe a loan officer or a financial advisor.
Hobbies: Getting blackout drunk every weekend.
Secret shame: Is going bald (that’s what the baseball cap is supposed to hide) and getting large in the middle from all that drinking, despite only being 28 (every bro in Chicago is 28).
Celeb brospiration: Vince Vaughn

 

 

I honestly read the whole thing line by line thinking oh man this guy sounds totally fucking sweet, I want to hang out with this bro, then I got to the end and realized hey wait a second, THAT’S ME! Oh well, guess I got dissed? I don’t feel dissed though, because the forever 28 year old,  slowly getting fat, Big Ten alumni who likes to get blacked out every weekend and wear sandals in the summer sounds like an awesome fucking time. I’ll party with that guy any day of the week.

 

 

The other Barstool Cities so you don’t actually have to go to Jezebel

 

The Manhattan Bro

Uniform: Blue button down shirt, grey or black work pants, nice leather Big Time Job Shoes. Good hair.
Intoxicant: Beer/Adderall.
Habitat: The office (they’re all investment bankers), or the bar down the street from the office that is filled with other bros who have identical jobs and identical wardrobes, or the biggest table at a popular but expensive steak house in Brooklyn during the after work hours. Bathroom stalls that lend themselves well to the blowing of lines.
Hobbies: Over-identifying with the really over-the-top scenes from Wolf of Wall Street. Stealing cabs. Eventually marrying women named Claire, and then divorcing her for a woman named Madison (who is 23). Yelling.
Secret shame: Feels bad about small penis.
Celeb brospiration: Alec Baldwin punching a guy

The Mid-Atlantic Bro

Uniform: Boat shoes without socks, pastels. Salmon colored shorts. Sailing motifs.
Intoxicant of choice: Beer, vodka, whatever. Eventually the night will lead to cocaine.
Secret shame: Has poor parents. Actually does not know how to sail.
Celeb brospiration: Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers.

The D.C. Bro

Uniform: Vineyard Vines pants, lacrosse jersey, croakies.
Job: Lobbyist, consultant, or something random on The Hill.
Habitat: One of, like, three Georgetown bars where bros go.
Hobbies: Googling self. Name dropping. Attending Georgetown basketball games even though mostly did not go to Georgetown.
Secret shame: Knows job is totally unnecessary, is aware of his own irrelevance. Is horrible at lacrosse.
Celeb brospiration: Paul Ryan

The Masshole

Uniform: Polo shirt, backwards BoSox cap, white Adidas shoes. Shamrock tat. That. Accent.
Habitat: Dive bars. Fenway. Massive L-shaped couch in a white-walled apartment.
Hobbies: Driving like an aggressive dick, throwing around homophobic insults like it’s the early 90’s.
Secret shame: They feel very little shame.
Celeb brospiration: The Wahlberg brothers