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Irony Alert: Guy Robbing a Hot Dog Stand Shoots Himself in the Dick

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SourceA 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a South Side hotdog stand Tuesday won’t be going home when he’s released from the hospital.

Terrion Pouncy … was arrested at the Oak Lawn hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a home across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he robbed at gunpoint about 6 a.m. on Halloween.

The victim, who had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter, called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncy, the bucket tipped and bills went flying, [police spokesman] Antonietti said.  …

Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out, he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him in the penis, Antonietti said.

I’m no fan of gun violence. Or of armed robbery. Or threatening minimum wage food service employees working hard to make a better life for themselves. And for sure I’m no fan of the thought of handling grease buckets around a hot dog stand at 6 a.m., because even reading that sentence makes my stomach turn.

But I am a huge fan of irony. And I hope Terrion Pouncy is too. Because this is something like out of an O. Henry short story or the kind of thing you’d see in an old Twilight Zone, if they had dick injuries on TV like they do now. And as punishments go, the most ironic one since the Treehouse of Horror when Homer was force fed donuts in Hell:

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So I’d like to think that as Terrion laid there on the front steps of that house, in a pool of his own blood, clutching his meager, grease-stained, ill-gotten gains, in one hand and what was left of his penis in the other, he thought to himself, “Shooting my own dick off is painful and horrifying. But even I have to admit the obvious tragicomedy element in all this.” But if I’m being honest, I don’t believe the kind of guys who rob hot dog stands at 6 a.m. tend to have a huge appreciation for literary devices. My guess is he was just sorry he’d put a bullet in his wang. Which is a tragedy all by itself because you really have to enjoy these moments when you find them.

So get well soon, Terrion Pouncy. And here’s hoping this puts you on the straight and narrow. If not, if you choose to stick to a life of petty crime, at least you won’t be reproducing any time soon.

@jerrythornton1