What's The Next Dating Site To Conquer?

internet dating

Since the search for a companion ultimately broke my heart on GlutenFreeSingles.com, where else can a man of my expert qualities of being slightly overweight and financially handicapped find love? Apparently there are a lot of options and I’ll let you choose which alley I decide to go down. Because in the end, it makes no difference what nobody says, ain’t nobody wanna be alone. Hungry Hearts all the way on this one baby.




USERNAME: AdmiralSmitty

PRO: Go from port to port and slay as many sea hags as possibly before the syphilis takes us all down. Plus the hat is beyond hot fire to wear for any occasion.

CON: Lot of literal white whales out there on this site. A Captain Ahab I am not.







PRO: Guaranteed to have children that are D-I athletes or better or your money back.

CON: Required to have a minimum of 2 Baby Mama’s before getting access into the premium version of the site.






USERNAME:EricTheClown (how that was not taken already shows how many clowns there are without a sense of humor)

PRO: See the About Me.

CON: Kramer and I have exactly on this subject, thanks to my brothers for making me watch IT when I was 3.





Jdate.com (Jewish Singles)

USERNAME: SmittyGoldstein

PRO: Finally, a seat at the table!

CON: Vision isn’t good enough to spot loose change on the sidewalk across the street.






USERNAME: BillyRaySmitty

PRO: Bud Heavy and White Snake wedding theme.

CON: Bud Heavy and White Snake wedding theme.






USERNAME:Brokeback Smitty

PRO: Always had a thing for Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island and that’s EXACTLY how I picture every farmer’s daughter.

CON: Any woman who’s milked cows all their life could tug the dick right off the body. Not a good look.








PRO: Conjugal visits may lead to the best intercourse possible, Fugitive Sex.

CON: Not sure if I want to put myself in a situation where I may get shanked in the eye with a toothbrush handle. Yet.






Purrsonals.com (Cat Lovers)

USERNAME: SmittyThePussyLover

PRO: Batshit crazy girl hookups are the best kind of hookups.

CON: Most of the women’s vagina’s are already rented out the winter already by their couple dozen tenants.

UPDATE: Already kicked off the site. Tis a shame, that photo with my parents’ dumb cat is so money these crazy cunts would’ve been wetter than Niagara Falls. Email I recieved from Cat HQ:



You psycho felines want a war you got yourselves a war.






USERNAME: HungLikeaUnicorn

PRO: Anonymous raging animal hookups in which I would solely be in the Frank bunny costume from Donnie Darko.

CON: Rabies.

And that’s what we have so far. I’ve lost that lovin feeling, time to get it back.

MAJOR props to my man Yung Mikey at @MIKEYDATRILLST6 for taking time away from putting KFC’s face in dick pics and creating these masterpieces.