Should You Be Forced To Drive The Speed Limit If You're Covered In Vaseline, Wearing Only A Thong?

HuffPo- When John Wayne Kellerman was pulled over on Oct. 15, he could have easily given officers the slip. That’s because the 54-year-old was mostly covered in Vaseline on his hands, and his upper and lower body parts, according to The Smoking Gun.

When Beebe walked up to the car, he said Kellerman was nearly naked, except for a bikini thong. He also noticed a pornographic magazine was on the passenger seat, according to the Enid News and Eagle newspaper. A nearly empty jar of Vaseline was located next to the man in the vehicle, Beebe noted. 
A sergeant arrived at the scene of the traffic stop to do a vehicle inventory, according to the Enid News and Eagle. The officer noted that the driver’s side of the car was “extremely greasy.”

During questioning, Kellerman allegedly admitted masturbating behind the wheel before Beebe pulled him over.

Have you ever masturbated while driving? It’s difficult. Keeping your hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel is out of the question, since you need one with which to stroke. This means you’re driving one-handed, which is only cool if you hang the other hand out the window. And of course, that’s impossible, since you’re using one hand to bang your dong and the other to drive. And finally, you can’t really watch porn because of the need to avoid other vehicles, obstacles, and people on the road. Thus, you’re left to your own imagination or memories of prior sexual liaisons.

Achieving an orgasm through masturbation, using only one’s memories for fuel, becomes extremely difficult once you turn 16. It’s like climbing Everest without oxygen: you’re only doing it to prove to yourself that you can. For one, it’s hard to conjure specific memories these days due to my history of concussions. I remember flashes of boobies and butts, but nothing specific. It’s like I browned out during every sexual experience I’ve ever had. And second, my pornographic preferences become more depraved with each passing year. Who KNOWS what crazy shit I’ll be watching when I’m 40. With any luck, I’ll be married by then. Heaven help us if my wife discovers my porn preferences.

The point is… I have no problem with this John Wayne Kellerman lubing himself up on the road because he seems very, very experienced. He woke up, threw on a bikini thong, emptied an entire tub of vaseline all over his nether regions, and slid into his leather seats like a slippery sailor. He adjusted his mirror, threw on his seat belt, and took off down the interstate. Once that old jalopy was in cruise control, John Wayne took his foot off the pedal and initiated some furious hand-to-gland combat. Something tells me it was absolutely violent. Gobs of vaseline flying all over his dashboard, heat on full blast, slipping and sliding all over the seats, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Sadly, he didn’t see the reduced speed limit sign and some officers pulled him over. No wonder his hands were shaking–dude had the worst case of blue balls these country roads have ever seen. Poor guy. Somebody buy him an Xbox and Gran Turismo so he can blast his road loads without endangering others.