Is This Calzone Tryin To Get The Pipe?


Fellas, imagine my surprise when I stroll into my local Calzone specific eatery here in San Antonio and I see this little minxs giving me the side eye. It’s perched up on on the plate, ass up, coolin down while I’m heating up. I’m outta breath. Partly because of the calzone but mostly because my sports-induced asthma flares up more easily when my seasonal allergies are acting up. The calzone joint is, regrettably, on the third floor of an office building, and the elevator is broken which puts me in quite the dill… talkin pickle, folks.

Anyway, the Calzone looks at me and says, “Of all the Calzone joints, in all the towns, in all the world, you walk into mine…”

Casablanca. Nice. I recognized the quote right away.

“Hey Chaps. To be fair, that’s a derivative of the quote. The actual line says ‘of all the gin joints’ so the calzone fucked it up a little bit. Not tryin to mansplain!”

Well, I think you mean ‘variation’ and not ‘derivative’ but either way that was obviously purposeful. Makes it more relative to the moment by changing the specific setting to where we are currently but I digress.

How did the calzone know that my favorite movie was Casablanca? How would she know that the romance of the movie elevates my soul and makes it long for a more simple time?

“Maybe it follows you on twitter, you raccoon-faced, four-eyed libtard!”

Maybe. But maybe my soul spoke out to the calzone from the across the room. Maybe our stories were destined to meet each other like Fievel Mousekewitz who, lest we forget, is the main protagonist of the American Tail series. He is a member of the Mousekewitz family and a fearless and cute male mouse who rarely gives up when he has a problem. Is love a problem tho? Is hunger? Certainly. Would both be cured if I gave this calzone the pipe? Time will tell. Only time will tell in this tale.

h/t kate