Fan Throws Beer At Soccer Player; He Chugs It And Then Scores A Terrific Free Kick

American soccer is currently on the nation’s naughty list. The sport has been in dire need of an image overhaul for as long as I can remember. From flopping like pansies to losing to small, island nations for a spot in the World Cup, American soccer is the ugly bastard child we keep in the cupboard under the stairs like Harry pre-Hogwarts.

This trend was in full-force yesterday during this MLS game. Jozy Altidore, an American, scored a goal and a fan threw a beer at him. Because he’s a soccer player, he tried to head the beer like a fucking moron, making a complete fool out of himself. “Is that a beer? I’ve heard about these beverages. Perhaps I’ll head it, to remind everyone that I play soccer.” Thankfully, his Italian teammate picked up the fallen beer and chugged it like a human being from the planet earth. Sure, there couldn’t have been more than tiny amount of foam remaining in the cup given that some fan threw it from the stands. It is one of the hardest hardo moves I’ve ever seen. Like oh cool bro, you chug foam? Get sudsy, dude. And perhaps we would be mocking him had he not done this 25 minutes later:

Helluva free kick from a drunk guy. Sebastian Giovinco is a modern-day Joe Namath. Get that man a barrel of foam before every game and let him chug it in the faces of the opposing fans. That free kick was top chee hold the chee. Beer down, bar down!

Of course, the one cool dude in the story is Italian. And he plays for Toronto FC. Sigh… American soccer, back to the drawing board.