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These Thong Jeans Are A Terrific Solution For Anyone Trying To Exercise In Jeans

Yeah baby. Thong jeans, aka Jongs. AKA negative space jeans. AKA found ‘em in a wood chipper. AKA “ALL THAT REMAINED OF THE BODY.” These things are built to breeze your knees, folks, and make no mistake–I want some. Forget ripped knees and distressed thighs; if you’re wearing more than 10% of the original pant, you might as well be in a burka.

Some people took to the internet to decry this beautiful fashion-forward piece:

For sure not, Mel. There’s a strong message here, and that message is: don’t skip leg day. You try pulling these tatters off with untoned thighs and you’ll be mocked from here to Kashmir. But even if you don’t like the aesthetic, you have to recognize how practical they are.

OHHH MARIA FROM THE CLOUDS. Hey sweet humble-brag Maria, letting us all know you were on the jong train at 20, long before the cool kids were doing it. Remember the opening number from Sound of Music? Boy, was that prescient:

“How do you solve a problem like Maria?

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

How do you find a word that means Maria?

A flibbertijibbet! A will-o-the-wisp! An annoying fashion internet troll who likes to tell everyone how cool she used to be, before age and time forced her to wear comprehensive pants.”

I’m gonna make myself some of these puppies the moment I get home. I can’t do it now because, you know, handbook violations and whatnot. But if you see me strolling down the street, legs out for the boys, strands of denim dancing down my ankles, please keep your eyes above the belt. I’m a human being.