Here We Have A 1,300-Pound Pumpkin DESTROYING A Car

Awesome. For the most part, I resent gravity for tethering me to a world where people are persecuted for having red hair. But sometimes, gravity shows us a little teet and reminds us just how sexy she is. What a force. This gravity-fueled pumpkin bomb destroyed that shitty teacher’s car and left me feeling satisfied like a divorced wife with the better lawyer. The perfect stunt that puts the FALL in FALL. Haha get it? A seasonal pun. You probably didn’t love it, especially if you call fall “Autumn” because you’re a poet/douchebag.

This crowd had quite a day smashing pumpkins. The car drop was obviously the grand finale, but they also stuffed a pumpkin with candy and dropped it like a piñata for the kids:

It’s like the opening scene from World War Z. Kids going apeshit for candy. I was so good at this stuff, because I was a monster growing up. Perfect example of Darwinism. The bigger, stronger, faster kids get to the candy first, so they get the most candy. This makes them bigger, stronger, and faster, while the runts and “bookworms” get there last only to find a few trampled tootsie rolls lying around. This makes them weaker, until they eventually die out. Don’t like it? Blame nature.

PS- not sure why the DJ didn’t play this. Really dropped the pumpkin ball on that one, EH?!