Indonesian Villagers Kill and Grill 25 Foot Python After It Nearly Rips Man's Arm Off

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“A security guard nearly lost an arm in a brutal battle with a 25ft python – which was later chopped up and fried by hungry Indonesian villagers.

Robert Nababan crossed paths with the giant creature while patrolling an oil palm plantation in the remote Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra island.

Police say the 37-year-old tried to catch the giant python and stuff it in a gunny sack. But the huge serpent fought back and bit him on his left arm, nearly severing it from his body.”

Welcome to Sumatra, where your wifi-less existence may be interrupted by mile long reptiles at a moment’s notice! Now yes, obviously its hard to believe that a guy can really be named “Robert” if he lives in a place where 25 foot snakes rip your arm off. That would normally be the most unbelievable part of the story… HOWEVA, our protagonist’s actions when he spotted the 25 foot snake is really what’s notable here.

While waltzing around the old oil palm plantation (is that word problematic?), Robert saw the snake and decided to “stuff the snake into a bag”! Now I have a LOT of potential inquiries for Robert about this venture, but the most pressing question might be about the size of the bag we’re talking here. The article says he wanted to stuff it into a “gunny sack” which is the Sumatran version of a Brown haired Smokeshow you’d want to take home to mom.

Anything below “pool tarp” or “Subway Jared’s before Jeans” is just NOT GONNA DO IT! Even if he did stuff it into the bag, that thing is still scarier than showing up to a 10 year Kardashian reunion not pregnant.

My next inclination when you tell me you’re stuffing a 25 foot snake, who may reasonably be expected to resist your attempts at capture, is to make sure you have a little self-awareness. I’m not sure of how much Biology you guys are familiar with, but for anything to become 25 feet long, it normally has to be pretty sufficient at not getting killed. The notion that this thing was going to fold up shop and let a Sumatran guy named Robert stuff him in a potato sack is, in the impassioned verbiage of my dear friend DannyBoyCane, TOTAL LUDICROUS.

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Yes, Sumatran Robert got his arm ripped off (and is in critical condition at the hospital) but that’s really just part of the game when you’re trying to manhandle 25 foot Pythons. Robert knew that if he did stuff that giant ass snake into the bag he would be swimming in Indonesian poontang, and that if the 25 foot serpent didn’t willfully go into the bag, there would be a chance he would get one of his 4 limbs removed from his body. All’s well that ends well and believe it or not, the villagers then took this pythons body and fried it up for a village banger. College was pretty fun but my brain can’t even process what a party is like after you kill a real life monster and subsequently consume its body.