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3 Squirrels Have Finally Been Arrested After Attacking Humans


NEW ORLEANS (AP)Following reports of up to six attacks on humans, three squirrels have been apprehended in New Orleans.

WWL-TV reports New Orleans Mosquito, Termite and Rodent Control put out traps near St. Pius X Catholic Church last Wednesday after multiple people reported being attacked by aggressive squirrels in the Lake Vista area, with one assault caught on camera. The victims include one man who is undergoing rabies shots after being bitten and two parishioners who were attacked in the church parking lot.

I have blogged far too many Squirrels vs Humans stories for one lifetime. A common theme with most of them has been that they’ve resulted in absolutely nothing. Every time a squirrel attacks a human, it appears that they get away with it scot free. No further investigations. No further searches. No nothings. These squirrels have been running amok doing whatever they damn well please for too long. It’s bullshit. There would be no more squirrel attacks if we just locked these assholes up. But instead, they’re still free to roam the streets and be repeat offenders. Then we sit there and wonder how to stop it from happening again.

Luckily, local enforcement in New Orleans worked tirelessly around the clock to apprehend the attackers here. For the first time in a long time, it feels like humans got a win against the squirrels and it feels like the tides are turning. It is finally time for us to take back our streets. I’ve said it once. I’ve said it twice. I’ve probably said it like 3 or 4 times already and I’ll say it again–

For years, humans and squirrels have had this unspoken agreement. We let them go through our trash. We let them dart out in the middle of the street and try to avoid turning them into road kill. (Sidenote: I’m pretty sure squirrels have to be fucking with us at this point. I mean they wait until you’re 10 feet away before they cross the street. They know we’re not trying to hit them and they just want to see how close they can get). All we ask in return is that they not act like a bunch of assholes. Just be cool. But now… well now that agreement is null and void and we should consider squirrels fair game. We gotta go out there and set the tone. Let them know that this kind of behavior doesn’t fly around here. Hope they’re hungry for a few Goodyear sandwiches.