Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
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Week one of the NFL season is basicaly in the rear view mirror which means a quarter of the first quarter of the league year is past us. We learned alot from the first slate of games including the fact that while Marshawn Lynch probably kills more insects when he runs then any player in league history, he still disrepsects the press by refusing to be openly disrepsectful of the press and therefore takes away our storilines.We got closer to finding out exactley which state Tom Savage can flourish in now that we’ve scratched Pennsylvania, Arizona, New Jersey, and Texas all off the list. We learned the Seahawks offense of line has more holes in it then Osama Bin Laden, and of course that Christian Mccaffery’s return to the Bay area was less of a homecoming and more of a home bukkaking. But most importantly we learned that the New England Patriots may of been a one-hit wonder last year.
The Pats looked awful in there Foxboro debut, and conversely the nation’s best college football program- Alabama has looked just about unstoppable. So one of the sweetest debates in sports reemerges- could the best NCAA Football team defeat the worst NFL team?
Lets look at the numbers objectively:
-Alabama had four 2017 first round draft picks. The Patriot’s had zero. That kind of talent gap is tough to bridge
-The Patriot’s best wide receivers played QB and lacrosse in college, Alabama’s best Wide Receivers play Wide Receivers
-Alabamas won titles with AJ McCarron, Greg McElroy, and Jake Coker. The Patriots are a system team desinged around Tom Bradys unique skillset. You lose him and the whole operation crumbles.
-Alabama runs a clean program. They are also the most scrutnized organization in professional amateur sports, given how so many of there players are arrested each offseason in witch hunts, but subsequently cleared to play as soon as the historicaly impeccable Alabama justice system weighs all of the evidence and realizes there’s no way a player with a 4.5 forty time could ever be caught by one of there officers.
-Alabama has more then 10 times as many wins as the Patriots this year.
-Not only are the Patriots in last place in the lowly AFC East, but they looked awful getting there. The defense against the Chiefs was among the worst I’ve ever seen. Florida State has players at every position that could lose a foot and develop sudden onset vertigo and still take better pursuit angles then Cassius Marsh. Meanwhile the Tide is sitting atop the SEC which ironicaly shares the acronym with the only organization that is yet to investgate Tom Brady.
Every year the Patriots only have to be better then 30 other professonal football teams and the New York Jets. Alabama however has to beat 127 colleges in order to win a national title. Just the name New England implies that olde england was something that needed to be replicated in the first place- its very derivitive. Alabama meanwhile is a culture all its own filled with people of all races and background’s who built a school so they could have a football team. In fact its been a longstanding theory of mine that Alabama Universty doesnt even exist. Tuscaloosa, AL and Morgantown, WV are just open-air kegger’s where rural kids go on a 4-year rumspringa- Tide fan’s are essentially amish except they’ve never been on a wagon, and Alabama kid’s never use zippers on account of the overalls.
Heres a fact for you:
Thats a very interesting stat. Bradys completion percentage is lower then Alabama’s k-12 dropout rate which is ironic because I never think of Tommy Terrific as being a Pass Fail guy. Sure you can point back a few years ago when the Patriots almost certainly could of beaten Bama but the realty is that Eli Manning is 1-3 verse the Tide so by the transitive property Alabama is 6 times better than the Pats.
I’ve long been skeptical of wether or not the Pats qualfy as a dynasty. In ancient China in order to be a dynasty you had to at least be able to defend your home terrtory thats why they built the wall. For New England its been nearly 10 years since they’ve repeated as champions which makes them if anything nothing more then a long spread out period of extended sucess, most closely aligning with the Tang Dynasty which is ironic because there best player was just a cheap imitation of OJ that was owned by Kraft.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Detroit Camera Man
Being a NFL photographer is just as dangerous and takes allmost as much bravery as embedded journlists serving overseas in combat theaters. Most folk’s live there lives without the possiblity of ever becoming a accidental meme but sideline photographers face that reality day in and day out. Watch as this guy demonstrates exceptional toughness discipline and ignores getting hit in the nuts because he understand’s the risks
This is the type focus your expected to have as a camera man. We ask them to do so much on Sundays wether its scouring the crowd for attractive fans (bonus points if there twins get it? 2 chicks at once who are related- every mans dream), or getting the exact perfect angle to confuse Mike Carey, NFL camerapersons have to be jacks of all trades. Do Your Job.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. This year Im keeping track of a brand new stat I invented called “Fullback assists” its when a tailback score’s a TD from inside the 10 yd line behind a block from there FB. So far your league leader is New England Patriot James Develin who had 3 fullback assist’s on Thursday night in what I call a Hat-on-a-hat trick.
2. Tyreek Hill has found himself directley where he dosen’t want to be: in Roger Goodells crosshairs. The second year speedster can expect a fine coming for throwing up the deuces peace sign during Thursday nite’s clobbering of the Patriot’s. Have to think the Chiefs would of thought twice about drafting him if they knew he was capable of this type behavior. His actions will get Goodells attenton but more importently the NFL is a fraternity and this type taunting will not be taken lightly. Folks I call this guy one tree Hill because hes not very poplar.
3. The Raiders have a new European kicker straight from Milan. While Sebastan Janikowski’s philosophy on life could more likley be found in the erowid forums then a textbook, Giorgio Tavecchio spends his time reading and quoting the classics:
People forget that Aristotle (R- Athens) invented edging, but was ultmately proven wrong by his student Alexander the Great who understood that coming happen’s first- directly before seeing and conquering. Tavecchio was 4/4 on the day in his Raiders debut I call this guy AC Milan because hes ice cold.
4. Grit Week Part Two happened last week and the atheletes involved were so humble that you probly didn’t even notice. The last three days have seen the birthdays of Matthew Delevedova, John Kuhn, and Tommy Bohanon who were all born one day apart, putting there dates of concetpion in the thick of January- meaning there parents were full on nude in the winter time which is like going sleeveless for your entire body in the elements.
5. For all of you that dosen’t think Tom Coughlin has a pulse of his team, Peter King reported this morning that the old ball coach shoulder looker-overer has a resting heartbeat of 42 BPM which is essentially the tempo of a chopped and screwed version of Sunday morning by the commodores. Coughlin is technicaly dead at this point but that just means that his body requires zero energy to exist. In fact I posit that Coughlins been dead since that subzero playoff game verse Green Bay and the subsequent years have just been his bodys posthumous twitches from a lifetime of muscle memory accrued from doing nothing but coaching football. The bad part about this lift’s weights and jogs on a zero-gravity treadmill aka a stairway to heaven, which is concerning because its the highest padlevel way to run ever invented.
6. Kizer got exiled ironicaly by a organization from a state that represent’s King of Prussia. There was a big helmet to helmet to helmet collison in the Browns Steelers game which made the game as forgetable for those who were playing in it as it was for those of us watching at home.
The triple helmet collison aka a human CTEpede is a terrfying but entertaining play but the real headache we need to discus is that 10 year migraine that Big Ben has put on the Browns ever since they declined to draft him coming out of Miami of Ohio. Big Ben is now the most winningnest QB in the history of the Browns new stadium, edging out Derek Anderson who won 10 games there somehow. Time to update the jersey.
7. Dirk Koetter is waiting out Hurricane Irma from inside the Bucs training facilty like a real football guy. Its a old German traditon to bunker down in times of crisis but logic woud dictate that the safest place to be in this storm would actualy be on the pirate ship inside Raymond James stadium. In the event of a catastrophic flood it would act as a modernday Noahs Ark to repopulate the city of Tampa using two of every kind of citizen wether they be exotic dancers,retired professonal wrestlers, craft brewers, ponzi scheme startups, and fry cooks. Locking yourself in a film room without power is a great way to develop cabin fever and who know’s what type of mad sciencist schemes to misuse Jameis Winston will come out of this. People forget the wildcat offense was drawn up using feces on a tile wall over the course of a week where Tony Sparano was accdentally locked in a Miami bathroom with nothing but a mound of cocaine, a pair of sunglasses, and the all-22 of his current QBs.
8. Nice to see someone in a football jersey from DC finaly able to maintain his composure around Eagles & Cowboys
This picture also answer’s the most predictible question of all time which is “is Ted Cruz a lanyard keychain guy?” Nothing like getting Narc Cuban here in a owners suite, hey speaking of getting Tom Savages ass kicked by the Jaguars, Ted Cruz knows something about loosing to a inferior opponent because you were too scared to team up with a guy from South Carolina earlier in the process.
9. Thought’s and Prayers to Danny Woodhead who took time from tugging on our heartstrings to pulling his own hamstring on Sunday in the first quater of a statement win verse the Bengals. The NFL is a better league when Danny is out there scampering around like a greased up mongoose on Sundays thats just a plain fact but unfortunateley it looks like we’re gonna be without him for at least a few weeks. Funny thing is he came into this year as a sub, but just like Delly they called his number,& his hammy got tender after he got on a roll because he’s a grinder and now hes sandwiched between a training room and a MRI machine.
10. The Fastest and Furiousest Two Mins in sport’s is back this week on Pardon My Take. Huge epsode with Jim Harbaugh, Blake Griffin, & Sam Dekker talking about Aaron Rogers fixing his garbage disposal
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Monetization Of Bird Brains
While the world is waiting to hear from Darren on the calculations regarding the total damage done to mancaves in the state of florida, we turn our attenton to a new product being tested out by a select group of NFL players.
Finally the league has listend to fan’s and begun to study the noble woodpecker, whose resistance to brain injuries is second to none in the anmal kingdom. Its worth pointing out that no ones ever given a woodpecker a concusson baseline test- in fact its kind of weird that we think that a bird that spends all day flying directly into trees dosent have CTE. But sciencists say that Woodpeckers dont get concussions because they have a built in colombian neck tie that makes it good to slam their heads against solid objects, and many nerds believe that football players could use this sort of technology to make brain injuries actually good instead of bad.
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