Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 1: Patriots vs. Chiefs
Things to consider while just wishing they’d just done this and called it a night:
*I’ve said it before, the Patriots don’t have the benefit of taking an ordinary loss. They happen so rarely that every L is treated like a cataclysm. Where Brady looks old, Belichick the GM isn’t helping Belichick the coach, their “arrogance” is finally biting them in the ass and Trent Dilfer says “They’re just not good any more.” But we’ve been here before, early in other seasons. The game Dilfer was talking about in 2014. Losing 31-0 to Buffalo in 2003’s Lawyer Milloy Bowl. We’ve walked around the smoldering wreckage, past the whirring engines, the burning fuel and the human remains everywhere. And these coaches have always managed to sift through it all to find the flight recorder, find out what went wrong and correct it to prevent future disasters. You can’t convince me that won’t happen this time.
*As an aside, I’ll mention I was down at Gillette for a small part of Operation: Clown Face. But I’ll save that for the end of the KJR.
*So much went wrong here, I could start anywhere. So starting up front is as good a place as any. It’s hard to wrap your brain around how quickly the depth on the Front 7 evaporated from mid-July to today. It’s astonishing. They looked stacked at the edge and the second level even before they picked up David Harris. Qualin Hightower was back. So was Rob Ninkovich. They added Kony Ealy. Drafted Derek Rivers. Returned all the McClellins and Robertses who proved it’s not about Jamie Collins’ freakish athleticism; it’s about the system. Being reliable. Do. Ing. Your. Job. Two months ago when I was floating on Lake Champlain with a 14th Star tallboy in my cup holder, I never envisioned a defensive front anchored by Kyle Van Noy and Cassius Marsh. There’s yer problem, lady.
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*By the time Hightower went down, the ends and linebackers looked like the 4th quarter of the last preseason game, instead of the first of the games someone other than degenerate gamblers keeps score. Trey Flowers, the one true edge rusher on the roster barely played. Deatrich Wise Jr. (Note: I’m not wasting three characters on the “Jr.” any more until his father becomes famous or he starts contributing) had limited reps. It was pretty much Van Noy at Mike, surrounded by so many safeties playing linebacker roles that he looked like Gandalf leading the Dwarf Brigade in The Battle of Five Armies.
*The plan coming in was to put Hightower outside in an “over” front, meaning up on the line of scrimmage to the tight end (“closed”) side, with the tackles mixing it up who had 1-gap and who had 2-gap responsibilities. The results were mixed. Once he went out, they switched to a “Bear” front, with five on the line and no one on the second level. There was nothing mixed into that. It was pure, 200-proof suck. The line continued to get split by Kareem Hunt and Travis Kelce taking shovel passes out of the Pistol.
*And when the tackles weren’t getting gashed by below average interior linemen like Bryan Witzmann, the DBs playing LB were getting overmatched on outside runs. The most egregious one being that long gain by Hunt where Kansas City had a 3-man bunch opposite Pat Chung at Sam. KC already had numbers before they pulled the center and guard. Elandon Roberts came up to help but got earholed by Eric Fisher. And Chung was left standing there all alone like Jon Snow taking the charge at the Battle of the Bastards. With no Knights of the Vale to bail his ass out.
*The Category 5 Shitstorm that was the 4th quarter completely demolishes what was some decent play by the secondary early on. Jordan Richards has his detractors, but he was solid against the run and forced Hill’s early fumble. Malcolm Butler was having a bounce back game after a bad preseason. (Don’t “But what about his pass interference in the endzone?” me. They can’t be calling PI when the ball is thrown behind the defender and the receiver tries to run through him to get to it. But I’m not complaining because everything is PI. There’s just nothing Butler could have done differently. Nothing.) And Stephon Gilmore was great in coverage on Tyreek Hill prior to that, you know, total, unforgivable mental yip on the 75 yard touchdown that broke the Patriots back.
*On that one, it looked like everyone was in quarters coverage, where you get ¼ of the field and have to stay with your man on vertical routes. Except someone must not have hit “Reply All” on that email because Gilmore was playing Cover-2, where he has help his half of the field from a safety. So when Hill put on a double move, Gilmore stayed under the break and no help was on its way. We saw some of that with him in Buffalo, where he was not on the same page as his safeties. It’ll be something to keep an eye on.
*There were times around say, 2009-12 when the Patriots defense was getting awards banquets thrown in their honor by the Association of Mediocre Quarterbacks for their outstanding service. When you’ve got 7 in coverage and Cassius Marsh solo’ed on Hunt for a 78-yard seam route, Alex Smith might want to start checking Yelp for a hall and a caterer.
*Enough of that disaster. Let’s talk about the offense. I mean, I don’t want to. But just to be thorough in our FAA investigation of the crash site. It seemed the game plan going in called for a run/pass mix. And they went hurry-up earlier in the season than they usually do. And it was great. Mike Gillislee looked like the factor back we hope he’ll be. They ran a lot of motion with Dwayne Allen. On that first TD, Allen came in motion, then returned to the formation (“YIG” in the Pats nomenclature). Dave Andrews fired out on Derrick Johnson and Joe Thuney sealed Roy Miller. Gillislee went in untouched. The Patriots looked like they’d be more physical than the Chiefs and everything was going according to God’s plan. Until they reversed that Gronk touchdown. Followed by that 4th down stop in the red zone, a call I’d make a 100 times out of a 100. But Eric Berry, who’s as good a safety as there is in the solar system, stuffed Gillislee. And after that, something just wasn’t right with them. Berry knocked their wheels out of alignment or something and the offense just never ran right.
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*I think in large part they tried for deeper throws and longer developing plays. Obviously the 60 yard laser-guided missile Brady hit Brandon Cooks with was what makes life worth living for offensive coordinators. But it’s not how the McOffense rolls. It’s not about stretching the field. It’s about trigonometry. It’s about stretching the zones between the corner, the end and the outside linebacker/safety on both sides of the field and exploiting the weak spots. I respect that you have to take advantage of Cooks’ wheels, so they iso’d him in a lot of 3X1 sets and let him run. And it was great to see Phillip Dorsett go deep up the other sidelines on that bomb. But that’s not what’s gotten them any of those five banners they just refurbished the house for.
*Gronk will be the key to getting the wheels back into balance. His lack of production was a direct result of Berry doing Berry things. The Chiefs played a ton of man and let Berry take Gronk, ballsy man-to-ballsy man, but he won’t be seeing too many safeties capable of doing that. Or Berry either, for that matter. When a guy as good as him goes down with an Achilles in the first game of the season, we all lose.
*Speaking of injuries, Amendola and Hightower are both Top 10 Patriots We Can’t Afford to Lose for Too Long. And I immediately have the boo boo jeebies about that goddamned tent thing. What goes on in there that nobody who sets foot in it ever comes back into the game? I picture it like a Civil War field hospital. Just body parts everywhere and some butcher hacking limbs while patients bite down on leather straps and some kid throws sawdust down to soak up the blood. Still, it’s got to be better than the housing at the Fyre Festival.
*I sense the next annoying trend in football, and it’s going to be those eye black strips that go unnecessarily over your nose and all the way across your face. Daniel Sorenson had one that looked like Bert from Sesame Street’s eyebrows. If he had a mustache it would look like he had a giant black = sign on his face.
*This Week’s Applicable Movie Quote: “Well, it looks we just had our glitch for this mission. – Tom Hanks, Apollo 13
*Now for the Goodell clown towels. Napoleon said that he saw men risk their lives for a piece of ribbon on their chest. And nations are ruled in such ways. Well put a clown nose on an evil despot on a nice piece of chamois cloth and people will lose their humanity. I walked about a mile to meet up with the Barstool bus just as they were down to their last few towels. On that walk I had no less than five dozen people ask if I could get some. Again, I was late to the party, but it sounded like Hunger Games when they’re all running for their weapons. I got one to send off to Okinawa, and I had people asking for it, begging for it, and in the case of one older dude, saying I was lying and had plenty but I was holding out on him and saying he’d never follow us again if I didn’t give him one. Keep in mind, these were being given out. 70,000 of them. Free of charge. But if you didn’t get one, somehow you’ve been done dirty. This is what you’ve done to us, Goodell. Operation: Clown Face is over. The hatred will never take a holiday. No. Days. Off.
*The good news is this just turned “18-1″ from the worst thing you can say to a Masshole into a rallying cry.
[h/t @RichLundin1 for the Photoshop]