Advertisement

I'm Done. The Swifties Have Cancelled Me.

Yesterday I made an admission to myself that had been a few days coming: I think I like the new Taylor Swift song. I don’t like it, but I like it. I’m addicted to it and play it constantly. Honestly, it’s almost scientifically impossible not to. These mega popstars have their beats made in legit labs, created with algorithms and formulas that force the human brain to eventually give in. I, a weak brained man, have succumbed to this sorcery and find myself humming and bopping to “Look What You Made Me Do” more than I’d care to admit on this website. I really don’t like the chorus, the “I’m Too Sexy” bit is lame as hell, but the build and the verses get me going. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

Now, I thought I’d be welcomed back into the arms of Swifties with open arms, but as it turns out, teenage girls are quite mean. They’re not forgiving, don’t have empathy for people who’ve made mistakes, and literally want to bully their enemies into suicide. I expected to be welcomed back into the Swiftie locker room like Dean Portman storming into Eden Hall. I wanted hugs and handshakes and high fives. All I asked for was elation and I got a Carrie treatment.

Here’s a little peek into my mentions which certainly haven’t slowed down since yesterday evening:

I am OVER plus a gif of Ryan Reynolds, double cut.

“Rat.” That’s so fucking mean coming from a little girl. I’m a fucking RAT. That’s somehow more terrifying coming from a Swiftie than from Whitey Bulger.

Screen Shot 2017-08-31 at 10.42.39 AM

My name isn’t Richard. This is a Swiftie/Ron Swanson insult. Sometimes when a person gets too chummy, I’ll call them the wrong name so they know that I don’t care about them.

Honestly I don’t have anything snarky to say about this one, it just made me think about who I am as a person. TheRealJohnnyP did the meanest thing possible and that’s simply hold a mirror up to my face.

Advertisement

Not all the attacks were from teenage girls, 40 year old Swiftie Karen, a woman who spends her days searching Taylor Swift’s name on Twitter, was NOT here for my bullshit. Gotta respect that. I deserved it.

Ashely is right, it doesn’t matter how mad you are, words hurt. That’s something to remember next time you’re in a fight with your girlfriend.

Great gif.

Advertisement

This one is so specific it made me laugh out loud for a while. Taylor’s not just mad, she’s so mad that she’s gearing up in special attire to kick my ass, like she’s a warrior. Taylor isn’t just planting any shoe squarely on my back, it’s gonna be an Alexander McQueen hobnail boot. For reference:

Screen Shot 2017-08-31 at 10.49.34 AM

Intimidating!

So that’s where I’m at now. I’m a man on an island. Most people on Twitter hate the song, so they hate me for liking it, and the Swifties haven’t forgiven me for being mean, so they hate me too. I’m on my own with nothing but a set of headphones and Look What You Made Me Do on repeat. I’d like to think other sane, normal people are here with me but they’re not speaking up. So I walk alone, ironic for a diehard Liverpool fan.