Taylor Swift Is Stealing All The Attention From The Solar Eclipse

It’s quite well known that I have a rather tumultuous relationship with the one that is known as Taylor Swift. For years she was a bad girlfriend who I’d defend to friends but quietly think to myself, “God this is fucking miserable,” because I just couldn’t quit her. I loved her too much and she made me feel too good so I just ignored the rather insufferable personality. I’ve since freed myself from that stranglehold and now recognize the fact that she’s astoundingly annoying, but I still can’t quit her music. JJ Watt annoys me too but I’m not gonna say he’s a bad football player over it. Taylor puts out bangers and you’re a liar if you say otherwise.

Well, Friday Taylor decided to erase herself from social media. Deleted all her tweets and everything, blacked out her website, deleted her Instagram pics, all of it. It was the three year anniversary of her announcing her 1989 album so everyone assumed she’d be announcing new music. I feverishly checked her Twitter roughly every 30 seconds since then and there was nothing, until this afternoon.

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Just when solar eclipse twitter was really working itself into a nice lather, Taylor came from the clouds and said “GIVE ME ATTENTION,” in an all-time chick move. It was the human form of Riggs’ uber viral, “Imagine thinking you’re tougher than the sun?” tweet and you know what? I fucking love it.

I fucking LOVE it.

The solar eclipse fever is sweeping the nation, we’ve got nerds traveling hundreds of miles to find clearer skies to witness it, people camping out in open fields to see the moon move in front of the sun for a bit like it’s a sign from god or something but Taylor Swift said to hell with that, I’m the most important thing in the universe and I’ll prove it to you. I’m sure this song is gonna be eclipse themed or some shit too and it’ll just be another example about how she’s the greatest marketer who’s ever lived. Taylor Swift is saving eyes all over the world today because no one is going outside to look at the goddamn sun when a new heater could drop at any second. Thank you, Taylor. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.