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I'm Very Conflicted On How To Feel About This No-Longer Very Constipated Gorilla


TOPEKA – A constipated 49-year-old lowland gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas is recovering after having surgery.

The Topeka Capital-Journal reports that zoo Director Brendan Wiley says the procedure that Tiffany underwent Wednesday went “really well.” A significant amount of stool was found in her colon and was flushed out. Wiley says the best-case scenario is that she will bounce back. If issues continue, test results will be reviewed to determine how to treat her constipation.

I saw a headline that said something to the degree of “Constipated Gorilla Gets Relief” and I was so pumped for the gorilla. There’s no better feeling than finally crapping out that deuce you’ve been working on for a while. You feel like a new man. Like you can take on the world. There’s nothing you can’t do after finally shitting out that brick. You want to run a marathon? You want to climb a mountain? Anything is possible and I was just extremely proud of this gorilla for feeling that sense of relief.

But then I kept reading and turns out they had to surgically remove the shit from Tiffany and… well.. well I just don’t think that’s right. Imagine every time you had to take a shit, some doctors had to surgically remove it from your butt. Would you feel better and lighter once it was removed? Yeah, probably a little. But would you feel extremely cheated? Absolutely. It’s way less satisfying that way and I think if anybody had the choice between getting it surgically removed or just going au naturel, everybody here would go the old fashion way. But Tiffany is a gorilla. She didn’t get to say which way she wanted to handle her business. She didn’t consent to this shit (pun kind of intended). So while I’m happy she finally has that doodoo out of her, I still wish she could have felt the satisfaction of pushing that turd out so hard that you’re on the brink of passing out and suffering a brain aneurysm.

And that, folks, was a summer Friday blog about a constipated gorilla. Thank you.

P.S. – Calling bullshit on this whole story, by the way. Girls don’t poop.