Missing Ex-Hooters Waitress is Found Alive After a Month Alone in the Woods

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SourceA woman who went missing in the Albama wilderness has been found alive after a month.

Lisa Theris, 25, said she survived by eating berries and wild mushrooms while she was lost amid thousands of acres of dense forest in Midland, Alabama without shoes or shelter.

By the time she was found, Theris had lost 50 pounds and was covered in scratches and bug bites. She did not have a phone or purse on her.

Theris was finally reunited with her family after she made it to the wood line on Highway 82 and was spotted by a driver around 2pm on Saturday. …

Police discovered that Theris was with two men who broke into a hunting lodge in Midway before she disappeared.

They said Theris did not know the men were planning to break into the lodge and did not want to be a part of the robbery.

The two men, Manley Davis and Randall Oswald … allegedly stole $40,000 worth of items that included four-wheelers, ATVS, and chainsaws. …

‘She is severely weakened, she is in pain, she is emaciated,’ Theris’ sister Elizabeth said. ‘There is not an inch of her that has not been affected.’

Congratulations to Lisa Theris, who is my kind of woman. Which is to say, the kind of woman I admire, not the kind who’d have anything to do with me. I’ve watched enough survival shows to know that I’d only make it in the deep woods of Alabama Bear Grylls-style: Surrounded by a full TV crew, with tons of safety equipment and a helicopter to fly me to a 4-star every night. Hell, I wouldn’t last two hours in the wilderness before I killed myself from the lack of beer and Wifi, ever mind bug spray and shoes. But not my girl Lisa. She thrived. And I love her for it.

You know every so often a Boy Scout will survive in the wild and credit his scout training for giving him the skills he needed? Well I kind of feel Lisa Therin’s Hooters Waitress skills failed her on this one.

I mean, you’d think working at Hooters would teach you nothing about mushrooms and berries aside from which one goes on the bacon burger and which goes on the ice cream. But she figured it out. By the same token, you’d assume it teaches you everything about sizing up redneck assholes like Manley Davis and Randall Oswald. How could she survive shifts carrying trays of fried comfort food to tables of horny, drunken, middle-aged creepshows and NOT have her Hootersense tingling that these are the kind of podunk trash that would steal 40 grand of stuff and leave her for dead in the middle of Nowhere, Alabama? It defies logic.

But that’s something for Hooters to worry about, before they lose more of these perfect specimens of American womanhood. The important thing now is that this Warrior Princess, this Amazon, kept moving, never lost hope, and she endured. Godspeed, Lisa Therin. And rot in hell, Davis and Oswald.