Bachelor In Paradise- Episode 2 Recap
And we’re back! Bachelor In Paradise returned for the second night of its two-night premiere. Sometimes the two night thing can be overwhelming. Sometimes I’d rather they extend it one more week than dump a bunch of stuff on top of us all at once. Especially when they follow it with an episode that is………not the best. Monday night’s episode was rock solid. The cast was great. The couples that formed were great (minus Derek and Taylor). Wells was doing a fine job filling for Jorge. Everything was on the up and up. Then last night happened. It wasn’t even really an episode of Bachelor In Paradise. It was a wedding video and an extremely awkward seminar on consent.
So with that ringing endorsement, here’s 1,200 words on that episode!
The Most Unlikely Wedding Of All Time
This took up most of the first hour when it should lasted 15 minutes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Evan and Carly. People shouldn’t forget just how unlikely their story is. It’s the most unlikely love story in the history of love stories and that’s counting Romeo and Juliet and Kristina Hendricks and The Snozberries Guy From Super Troopers. They should not be together and yet they seem to have one of the most genuine relationships out of all the Bachelor relationships.
Carly first appeared on the Bachelor season of a guy who would go on to find love true love with Whitney Bischoff and live happily ever after on his farm in Iowa kill a guy with his truck. Evan first appeared as Chad’s punching bag on JoJo’s. Then they both wandered onto the sandy beach of Bachelor In Paradise. Evan did Evan things during their season and Carly reacted as she should: with complete and total horror. Then things got more normal when Evan faked his own death and Carly stayed by his side at the hospital. That’s all it took for a woman to fall madly in love with an erectile dysfunction doctor. Now here we are.
The problem with the wedding lasting so long is that we don’t watch Bachelor In Paradise for the weddings. Chris Harrison can tell us until he’s blue in the face that the show is about finding love but he’s lying. He knows he’s lying. He knows weddings don’t put asses in the seats. People getting drunk and hooking up with other drunk people is what puts asses in the seats. Seeing that evolve into a real marriage is far less interesting. So for ABC to trot out an hour-long wedding (no matter how popular the couple is) was ridiculous. Was it nice to see some old faces in the crowd? Sure. Ashley I. was there crying the mascara right off her face. Shawn B. and Kaitlyn were there looking tremendous. Shout out to Shawn’s hair. It still fucks. It was awesome seeing the twins again. It sucked seeing Nick V and Vanessa.
I do wanna give a huge shoutout to the topless flute player. She stole the show. A must-have at every Bachelor wedding going forward and maybe every wedding in general
Then Evan and Carly exchanged awkward vows where Evan talked about how he’d never stop exploring Carly’s body (with her dad standing 8 feet away). Evan cried a whole bunch. Ashley I. cried some more. Carly called Evan a lobster and they were married. I’m happy for them. I’m not happy it ate up an hour of the show.
A Seminar About Consent That Made Me Want To Light Myself On Fire
Speaking of drunk people hooking up with other drunk people, last night was the conclusion of the DeMario/Corinne saga. Finally. The show picked up with the remaining cast returning to Mexico after production got shut down. Chris Harrison explained to the group that a Wells Report-type of independent investigation had taken place and found that nothing illegal happened between DeMario and Corinne in the hot tub. What then proceeded was the most awkward 15 minutes of TV I’ve ever witnessed. We dabble in hyperbole on this website but I say that with zero hyperbole. Chris Harrison basically explained to them what consent is. He then laid out multiple sexual scenarios and asked the group to respond if consent had been given or not. It was awkward as FUCK. Folks on Twitter compared it to college when an RA has to have a meeting with the floor after an incident. Pretty spot on.
The funniest part was guys like Alex and Derek explaining how they are in control of their own actions in Paradise. They talked about how the producers don’t control them or tell them how much to drink and that they hook up with who they want to hook up with. Laughable.
This is what I pictured going on inside Chris Harrison’s head while idiots like Alex were proclaiming they’re in control
After the group got done solving sexual assault and race relations in America, they all voted that they did in fact still want to participate in an all-expenses-paid vacation in Mexico that’s televised and that will lead to them selling diet tea on Instagram. Hooray!
It was around this time an actual episode of Bachelor In Paradise started
Guy Finally Talks To A Girl, Girl HATES Him (Alex/Amanda)
Poor Alex. He’s slowly starting to find out that he sucks. Unfortunately he didn’t find out before he got that god awful tattoo on his arm and chest. Although maybe he’s known all along and that’s why he didn’t talk to any girls for the first week. Cause as soon as he tried to start talking to Amanda (congrats on finding yet another baby sitter by the way) she sprinted for the hills. Well she told Danielle M. that she didn’t like Alex and then Danielle M. told Alex. It’s about to be curtains for Alex and I hope he never returns.
Taylor And Derek Are Still Doing Great
The Most Beautiful Couple In The History Of Mankind Is On The Rocks (Dean/Kristina)
The biggest revelation from last night is that Dean went back to Kentucky with Kristina when production was shut down. That’s a HUUUUUUUUUGE problem for America’s favorite couple and I’ll tell you why. It’s one thing for a couple to thrive in Paradise. Dean and Kristina are a perfect example. They’re two hot people on a beach enjoying each other’s company with zero real world implications. That instantly changes in the real world. Dean and Kristina turned into a real couple while spending those days together in Kentucky. I’d even be willing to bet they got to a place where Dean farts in front of her. So it’s serious. But then they got shipped back to Paradise around all these beautiful people again and Dean is thinking, “I’m the best looking guy here. I’ve already had a lot of sex with Kristina. Yeah she’s the best looking girl here but ain’t no pussy like strange pussy.” And that’s what’s driving him away from her. So unfortunately our fairy tale couple is undoubtedly going to crash and burn before our very eyes. Sad.
And that’ll do it. We’ll see you for next week’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise. Same time. Same place.