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Worst Part About A Potential Nuclear War? You Won't Be Able To Condition Your Hair

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NPR – If, for some reason, you find yourself in a situation where you need to wash radioactive material from your body, don’t reach for the bottle of hair conditioner. Conditioner can bind radioactive particles to your hair.

That warning was part of guidelines issued last Friday by Guam’s Office of Civil Defense, following threats from North Korea that it was preparing to test a missile that would create an “enveloping fire” around the U.S. territory. On Tuesday, North Korean state media reported it would not carry out the test after all…The reason conditioner can be dangerous has to do with the physical characteristics of human hair, the chemistry of hair conditioner and properties of nuclear fallout…If you shower carefully with soap and shampoo, Karam says, the radioactive dust should wash right out. But hair conditioner has particular compounds called cationic surfactants and polymers. If radioactive particles have drifted underneath damaged scales of hair protein, these compounds can pull those scales down to create a smooth strand of hair. “That can trap particles of contamination inside of the scale,” Karam says.

I realize that nuclear war isn’t exactly something you should joke about. But I’m a realist. I live my life in the real world and realize that there’s a possibility shit hits the fan and the nukes are launched. Do I hope that happens? Absolutely fucking not. Contrary to popular belief, nuclear warfare isn’t an ideal situation. Sure, it’ll probably get you out of paying this month’s rent which would be nice in the short term. But long term? No siree. Not for me. Especially not after hearing the news that you won’t be able to condition your hair after a nuclear blast.

Oh I’m sorry. You want me to walk around with crusty ass hair for the rest of my life while we try to rebuild civilization from the ruins? Good joke, buddy. I’d rather die in the blast than be forced to have a head of hair drier than Kim Jong-un’s pussy. I’m a firm believer in “look good, feel good, play good”. And you’re not looking your best unless you’re throwing a little condish on that dome of yours at least once or twice a week. What’s the point in surviving the nuclear apocalypse if you can’t even enjoy it because you feel like a grime ball? That’s what I thought.

And one guy who I know damn well agrees with every word of this blog? The legend himself.

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