My Work Home Is Under Attack And I Will Not Stand For It

So I wake up this morning and am minding my own business, having a usual Monday morning. Eating some cereal at my apartment telling myself I’m not going to the gym in the AM because I’ll totally go when I get home from work (spoiler, I won’t), when I see this tweet from weekend texting tyrant/CEO Erika Nardini.

Rude. Very Rude.  But ultimately inconsequential. One of those funny tweets on a Monday that we all will laugh about and move on from. Nope. Turns out when I got into work an hour later Erika actually is ready to have an intervention. Apparently the whole office is feeling this vibe. That  having a pile of food, clothes, dip, shoes, and god knows what, surrounded by a frog swamp is a “health hazard”. A fucking health hazard? This is New York City. I could have a rat farm under my pile (no, I actually could I haven’t been to the bottom of the pile in 9 months) and I still would pass health inspection.

Health Hazards aside though, what Erika and the rest of the office don’t realize is that I have a plan for this pile. I know where everything is and everything serves a purpose. Like for instance. My wall.

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That wall is there for a very important reason. It slows people down when they come into my universe. So if say Erika is coming over to my den, I can close all my porn windows before she reaches me. If a sales or tech nerd wants to talk to me, it gives me at least 5 seconds to come up with a decent excuse as to why right now is not the time to chat. If Tex is coming back here to be Tex, well this maze is far too complex for his stupid fucking brain. I have comfort, security and privacy.

Or the clothes pile.

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Do you know how many times people at work have asked, “hey Big Cat, do you have a shirt I could borrow?” Or “hey Big Cat, got any rollerblades I could use? looking to do some rail grinds” or “Hey Big Cat, I was really hankering for a vape and some pork rinds, can you hook it up?”. At least twice, and both times were Hank. That’s people helping people.

Or take this little corner of my desk. 1/100th of the stuff I have. Let’s do a little asset valuation.

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1. Kris Bryant bobblehead, still in the box, mint condition – $99.99

2. Cash, I see a 1 and a 5 but who knows what else is in that wad. Conservative estimate – $4,300

3. Plastic plates and forks, but remember, they’re Big Cat desk plastic plates and forks, collectors item – $30

4. Half a pack of doublemint gum – $0.25

5. 1 pair of Diabetic blood flow Socks, you going to put a price on your health? I didn’t think so – $40,000,

6. Pork Rinds – $3.99

7. A Book, not sure what book it is but it’s a book, knowledge is power – $Priceless

8. A Corvette hat that I got on eBay or was it when I purchased my new corvette?!?! hmmm – $12.99-$65,000

Add it all up and we’re talking a million dollars for 1% of my desk pile. So if you do the math, Erika’s perceived “mess” is worth the same amount as Barstool Sports. You see a slovenly blogger, I see a cutting edge hedge fund manager, trading in the memorabilia and fashion markets. The world’s greatest corner office.

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So in summation, yes my desk is a little dirty, hand up on that one, I’ll own that portion of this argument. But when people see mess I see dollar bill signs. Someday we’ll do a storage wars for my entire portfolio and I’ll be the one laughing to the bank while everyone else in the office will be sitting at their tidy little desks wishing they had a vision for the future. The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do. Steve Jobs said that about the iPhone but it very easily could have been a quote about my desk. RIP in Peace Steve Jobs, if he is really dead, stay woke.