College Football's 2017 All-Name Team

There are 130 teams in the FBS. On those 130 teams, I would say there is an average of 95 players on each. I’m no math guy, but I’m pretty sure 130 x 95 does equal 12,350. Within those twelve thousand or so players there are some CRAZY names.

As we are only three weeks away from the start of college football, I decided to go through every FBS teams roster and compile a first and second all-name team. Some of you may think these names are a part of a Key & Peele skit, but they 100% are not. If you do want to increase your enjoyment while you read this piece, I would recommend imagining these names were indeed a part of a Key & Peele skit:

First Team Offense: 


QB: Danny Vaden Boom (Wisconsin Badgers)

FB: Bry’keithon Mouton (LSU Tigers)

If somebody has a clip of Coach O saying this guys name, I will pay you infinite numbers of dollars to see it

RB: SoSo Jamabo (UCLA Bruins), Richard (Dick) Worship (Purdue)

WR: Lil’Jordan Humphrey (Texas Longhorns), Mac Hippenhammer (Penn State Nittany Lions), Q’ Drennan (New Mexico Lobos),

Yes, the man’s first name is just “Q.”

TE: CeeJhay French Love (Arizona State Sun Devils)

OL: Wolfgang Zachrel (Colorado Buffs), Dqmarcus Shaw (East Carolina Pirates), Poutasi Poutasi (California Golden Bears), Lloyd Cushenberry III (LSU Tigers), Kobe Buffalomeat (Illinois State Redbirds)

I know Illinois State isn’t in the FBS, but Kobe Buffalomeat is too good of a name not to include on this team. 

First Team Defense: 


DL: Big Cat Bryant (Auburn Tigers), Lion King (Eastern Michigan Eagles), De’Asian Richardson (Louisville Cardinals), Dee Liner (Arkansas State Red Wolves)

LB: Diego Fagot (Navy Midshipmen), Benning Potato’e (Washington Huskies), Fa’avae Fa’avae (Washington State Cougars), Bull Barge (South Alabama)

DB: Ephraim Kitchen (Louisiana Tech Bulldogs), Jamez Brickhouse (Old Dominion Monarchs), Bryce VonZurmuehlen (Air Force Falcons)

Safety: Trequerrious Wadley (Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks), D’Cota Dixon (Wisconsin Badgers)

First Team Special Teams: 


Long Snapper: Thor Rodoni (Baylor Bears)

Kicker: Maximillian Schulze-Geisthovel (Boston College Eagles)

Punter: Mac Loudermilk (UCF Knights)

Second Team Offense: 


QB: Deuce Wallace (Vanderbilt Commodores)

FB: Pakamiaiaea Davis (TCU Horned Frogs)

RB: Jah-Maine Martin (Coastal Carolina Chanticleers), Shawndarrius Phillips (FIU Golden Panthers), Shermaine Badie (Tulane Golden Wave)

WR: X-Zavier Morris (UAB Blazers), Ockwan Tyson-Hart (East Carolina Pirates), Equanimious St. Brown (Notre Dame Fighting 4-8ish)

TE: Mik’Quan Deane (WKU Hilltoppers)

OL: Kingjames Taylor (Hawaii Rainbow Warriors), Bearooz Yacoobi (Purdue Boilermakers), Brodarrius Hamm (Auburn Tigers), Tanner Farmer (Nebraska), Side Sow (EMU Eagles)

Second Team Defense: 


DL: Tommy Doctor (Charlotte 49ers), Thor Katoa (Oregon State Beavers), Finness Middleton (South Alabama Jaguars), Twazanga Mugala (Duke Blue Devils)

LB: My-King Johnson (Arizona Wildcats), Kash Daniel (Kentucky Wildcats), Quart’e Sapp (Tennessee Volunteers), Re’Lik Wilson and Re’Naz Wilson (Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks)

Re’Lik and Re’Naz count as one person, because they are brothers and I guess their parents wanted them to have incredibly similar names.

DB: Wylan Free (Fresno State Bulldogs), Michael Sam (Louisiana Tech Bulldogs), Qwuantrezz Wright (Maryland Terps)

Safety: Lummie Young (Duke Blue Devils), Jack Fagot (Louisville Cardinals)

Second Team Special Teams: 

Screen Shot 2017-08-10 at 11.32.10 PM

LS: Messiah Deweaver (Michigan State Spartans)

I couldn’t find another long snapper, so I put Messiah, who is a QB, in this spot instead. Knowing that he is a QB/The Messiah, I think he could handle this long snapper role. 

Kicker: Briggs Bourgeois (Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles)

Punter: Enrique Carrasquero (Tulane Golden Wave)

I am currently a student at Fordham (s/o to my #RAMily), so I didn’t want to do this piece without giving a shout out to the players who are balling out in the FCS. Below is my All-Ivy League “You Can’t Arrest Me, My Dad Is A Lawyer” Country Club Name Team.

First Team Offense: 

QB: Anders Hill (Columbia Lions)

RB: Ian VanDenBerg (Columbia Lions), Marcus Berg (Dartmouth Big Green)

FB: Van Nelis (Columbia Lions)

WR: Lavance Norvington (Harvard Crimson), Ronald Smith II (Columbia Lions)

TE: D Major Roman (Yale Bulldogs)

Nothing shouts Ivy League like a guy named after a piano scale

OL: Jacob Van De Grift (Yale Bulldogs), Austin Werkheiser (Brown Bears), J Edward Keating (Cornell Big Red), Bennet Van Dellen (Cornell Big Red), Gehard Williams IV (Penn Quakers)

I was hoping this unit was only going to have players with “Van” in their last name, but I couldn’t find enough. Sad. 

First Team Defense:

DL: Brogan McPartland (Harvard Crimson), Kailash Graham-Bell (Penn Quakers), Maxton Edgerly (Cornell Big Red)

LB: Maxwell McCormick (Cornell Big Red), Reis Seggebruch (Cornell Big Red), John Orr (Princeton Tigers), Cal Falkenhayn (Columbia Lions)

DB: Wesley Ogsbury (Harvard Crimson), Ben Abercrombie (Harvard Crimson)

Safety: Kyran McKinney-Crudden (Dartmouth Big Green), Hunter Lunsford (Yale Bulldogs)

First Team Special Teams: 

Kicker: Ben Rosenblatt (Brown Bears)

Punter: Kenny Smart (Harvard Crimson)

@JackMacCFB on Twitter