I’m distraught. I’m devastated. I’m melancholy. I’m all of the other adjectives that describe the worst emotion a human can possibly feel. I won’t name them all for the sake of time and because I have the vocabulary of an idiot who didn’t go to college. The point is: I’m fucking sad.
Chris Pratt and Anna Faris were my celebrity couple. They might’ve been yours, too. They have been together for eight years and have an adorable little boy. They’re both absolutely hysterical and lovable. People you’d want to invite over your house for wine and board games that’d make you pull your wife into the kitchen behind their back just to bring up how much you love hanging out with them. No matter how famous Chris Pratt got and how far into obscurity Anna Faris fell, one thing remained true: they loved each other. Now, Chris says they still do and always will, but what does that mean if they’re getting divorced? They “tried” and are very “disappointed”, but how hard did they really try? How hard did they have to try? Why didn’t it work? They were perfect for each other, two funny people in this funny world, just living life…together.
*if our website wasn’t broken I’d post crying face emojis here but not laughing crying like actually crying, you know the one where the tears are running down the emoji’s face, yeah that one, but anyway our website is broken and we can’t post emojis here*
I don’t know what did it. I want to instantly deny the thought that Pratt got too famous and moved on, because I think he’s too good for that. All I know is this: Chris and Anna being donezo has made me give up all hope I ever had in finding love. I’m getting the “Why not?” tattoo removed. My life is now just full of “Why?”.
I’m genuinely sorry if I was the one to break this news to you tonight.
P.S. I swear to god if one of you motherfuckers says “stick to sports” or “I thought this was Barstool SPORTS”, I will kill you, literally murder, and yes, that is a threat.