Your Welcome NASA: An Internet Commenter's Plan To Save The World

PFT Commenter8/02/2017 7:17 PM

So in case you missed it the Earth is in such emmenent danger that NASA is trying to hire someone for $124,000 a year to save the whole thing, but tell me again how Donald Trump hasnt created any new jobs idiots.

The opening popped up on USAJOBS this week and frankly it seemed like it could be a natural fit for me. I grew up on Earth born and raised, and I allways thought saving the world sounded like a cool job. Shoot, my favorite movie was Armageddon and even though Bruce Willis was a suicide bomber, Ive always been passionate about being a hero.

They say online they want a resume but its very obvously just a old hiring managers trick to catch someone trying to pul a fast one. Sorry NASA but it dosen’t take a rocket scientist to know that if I put down all of my past experience in protecting other planets that this thing is going to end up in a wastebasket faster then a condom at the Pitino household. So I decided to forgo that step, and instead write something from the heart. A open letter to planet earth detailing why I want this job as well as a 3-step course of action to save the planet we love so dearly. May I present to you- my plan for saving the earth:

To Whom It May Concern/Whatever Nerd At NASA Is Reading This,

Folks I rememer growing up when people used to be able to say with pride that they were from the Earth. Nowdays things are so bad- and believe me its about as bad as it can get- that NASA is putting out a job opening for “Planetary Protection Officer”- in other words a bouncer for Earth.

Simply put, your not going to find a bigger Earth guy than me, but more and more its becoming a unrecognizable cesspool. The Earth has become unfairly targeted by aliens and comets, but mostly by snowflake libs who want to pollute it by putting ugly solar panel’s, windmills, and weird canvas reusable shopping bags all over it. In fact if you look at the history of our planet we were all doing just fine until 1938 when that socialist FDR was Presdent and entered us into perhap’s the worst trade agreement of all time in which we would send out millions and millions of hours of broadcasted streaming entertainment into outer space FOR FREE whilst getting NOTHING in return. Why are MY tax dollars paying to beam the NFL sunday ticket haveway to Uranus while meanwhile the only programing we’ve imported was in that movie “Contact” and it was literally a code that when you cracked it you got to read a math textbook. You talk about a one sided trade deal, I’d rather watch major league soccer.

You can tell I’m disappointed in what our leadership has aloud our planet to become. So before even applying for this job I had to ask myself- is the Earth even worth protecting anymore? Well I sat down and made a pros and cons list with all the good things about Earth and all the bad stuff to see if this planet is worth my time.

Pros- the Earth has:

-Football

-Animal videos online

-The song where Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock sang about coke and fucking

-The feeling when you get drunk before the sun goes down and you feel like your invincible

-Jesus

-Making fun of things that other people like because your cooler than they are

-Sunday Bar Rescue Marathons

-51 consecutive superbowl championships

-2 great rage against the machine albums

-Norm Macdonald

-buffalo wild wings

-twins

Cons:

-it only has one moon and lets be honest its kind of a snooze-fest

-people who try to talk about there kids instead of fantasy football teams

-dogs die eventually

-referees

-Hitler/soccer

-James Harden dosen’t play defense

-podcasts

So while our planet is certainly is dire, dire straights- it can be salvaged but I alone can save it.

Its time to put Earth First for a change and thats why Im applying to be the Planetary Protection Officer for NASA. We need strong leadership to win and get back at the top were we belong. Remember how great it was back in the good old days when people from Earth use to travel around the solar system in our great big rocket ships planting flags like symbolic penises into the surface of all the planets that got in our way? Heck, back in the Cold War we literaly drew up plans to nuke the moon just because it was the right thing to do, and the only way that could give LBJ a erection. Nowdays the most adventerous we get in outerspace is when Richard Branson decides to launch a satellite barely into orbit with the word “Virgin” painted on the side. The Universe is laughing at what a joke we’ve become.

So what is my agenda?

1. Stop The Run

First of all I believe in being strong on defense. We should build a few billion thermonuclear missiles and aim them individualy at every star in the solar system or universe, I forget which one is the bigger one, just to let them know we mean business. Secondly theres a gigantic black hole that is slowly but surely sucking in our biggest comptition- our closest neighboring galaxy and the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I propose we send 3 rocket ships with 6 trillion dollar’s worth of gold and F-35 superfighters to fly directly into the black hole to express our unwavering soldarity, and maybe send Tommy Lee or someone to really stretch it out and increase its girth and sucking power. We need to support this black hole unconditonally so that it can defeat our rivals vicously and then it will stop being a black hole and become best freinds with us.

2. Air Superiority- aka Build A Ceiling

Next- the Earth needs a roof obviously. Its mind boggling that it took 40,000 years of planetary exitence for someone to think of this. The additonal revenue we would receive through taxes recouped on baseball games that wouldnt need to be cancelled should be enough to offset most of the cost. It would literaly be a tax shelter. We could put light’s on the roof so it wouldn’t be so dark when you walk down alleys or your trying to walk across the floor without stepping on a lego at night. Also if we painted the top of the roof black, aliens wouldnt even know there was a planet here and their dumbasses would just fly that little cheap spaceshipof theirs right by on there way to Mars.

3. The Sun Problem

Lastly I think its time we point the finger directly at the real enemy. What force kills more people, plants, and ant’s through magnafying glasses then any other force on earth? Thats right- the Sun. The Sun is a untrustworthy partner- at best it is quite literaly a fair-weather friend. If our crops dont get enough sun they die, but if they get to much they die. If you dont get enough sun you’ll be pale and never get laid, but if you get to much you’ll be swimming in so much poon that you make poor genetic choices in your sexual partners and your idiot children ruin your Presdency. Its truly a no-win situation to have a sun. But no one is asking the question- Why have we allowed ourselves to become so dependent on a enemy of ours? Its the number one threat to planet Earth and as Planet Protection Officer it will be my sworn mission to reclaim our sovereignty from this dastardly comet. Many peope thought that Mr. Burns was evil when he tried to block out the sun on the Simpsons, but it was the highest rated cartoon of all time so you tell me, sounds like there were lots of folks who liked it. I, on the other hand, dont want to block it, but instead I simply propose we blast the entire Kardashian family into it on a spaceship and make it want to kill itself. Folks I’m kidding of course about that last part but I do vote that we cut the cord from the vile Sun by making everyone in the lands of China and India fart simultanously, using jet propulsion to blast our planet out of its orbit and out of the solar system to a place trillions of miles away from every star where we dont have to rely on the sun for light or energy while simultanously having all the other planets mooch off our satelite entertainment. Thereby regaining our isolationism and reestablishing Earth as a universally repsected soverign force hurtling through space all by ourselves, far away from all our friends but also more importently our enemies.

Interested in saving the whole wide world? Its in your hands.

Hit me on the hip NASA. Cells good.

Love, PFT Commenter

PS Dont listen to Neil DeGrasse Tyson if he refute’s any of this. He relies on sunlight for heat and food- very obvously in the pocket of big solar.

PPS: I understand sometimes you just need to check off some boxes on these things so just in case your a stickler, here’s my resume from when I applied to be Rutgers Head Football Coach last year: