Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
We are now in just the tip season in the NFL were we get to see cool training camp report’s about which players are hurt, which players are in great shape, and which player’s are retiring early after a day of living in a dorm. And all eyes are on Baltimore Mayrland, as the Ravens are reportedly weighing bringing Colin Kapernick in as a backup for injured starter Joe Flacco.
Team President Dick Cass (say his name out loud its worth it), and Steve Bischotti are hard at work finding reasons to feel better about not signing him, including reaching out to the Ravens permenent spiritual leader and all around good guy Ray Lewis. I know what your saying- isnt this the same Ray Lewis who was a liabilty during his final season with the Ravens because of a elbow injury? And yes your right- Ray certainly had some failings on the feild but when it came time for him to represent the Purple and Black he was a terrific ambassador. There was one incident where Ray got charged with obstructon of justice but thats exactly what you need your middle linebacker to do- kind of take on blockers and shed them. Kapernick on the other hand becomes a distraction when he kneels- on the field thats a loss of down. Say what you want about Ray Lewis but he was always thinking about football and at least when he had his mug shot taken his hair was cut high and tight. When the lights turned out in the Superbowl, Ray Lewis stayed focus on the task at hand meanwhile Kap was probly more concerned with worrying about the systemic imbalance of power in the Lousiana electrical grid.
Baltimore is not the town for Kap. If theres one great example of a city in America that disproves Colin’s misguided beleifs that police are getting away with murder and that the national anthem has racist undertones its Baltimore, Maryland. Take one trip to Camden Yards and you’ll see this is a town where people of all colors- black, white, purple, green, set aside there differences to cheer on the New York Yankees.
This is a delicate balancing act- Kap needs to find a good situaton in the right town.
Theres a reason the Steeler’s didnt bring Kapernick in for a workout- they understand the message that would send to there community. The Rooneys are proud Irish, so they understand better then most that the best way to get what you want isnt rabble rousing revolutionarys- its a series of ballot measures and getting money from a billionare who marries a politician. The QB is the face of your franchise, and when you take into acount the fact that the Ravens will be traveling to England this year you have to wonder if Kap is fit to serve as one of 32 quarterback ambassadors for the United States overseas. The idea that you would have a leader whose more concern with fighting against percieved injustices and leadership that refuses to address systemic inequalties squareley contradicts everything the United States fought for in 1776. There would be legitmate concern that Kaepernick would consider defecting to the United Kingdom.
Concern number two is the fact the Seahawks didnt add him to there roster and you realize that in addition to being too black for some of the leagues stodgy white owners, you also almost have to wonder if maybe he’s black enough too. Schrodingers cat- but cat like in the way jazz singer’s use it.
Maybe he’d be a good fit in a area that is progressive in politics and has a young coach with experience desinging offenses around QBs with unique athleticism. Maybe a place like San Francisco.
One thing people arent talking about is how if Kap signed with Baltimore, he would be spitting on the grave of that regions most accomlished songwriter- Francis Scott Key. Inviting Kap to Baltimore- where the three verses of the national anthem that DONT mention slavery were written is like Tampa Florida, home of the largest demographic of people who think math is witchcraft bringing in Ryan Fitzpatrick. You dont have to be a meterolgist to know that a 7torms coming, and Edgar Allen Poe didnt die in a ether induced stupor in a road with a liver the size of Connecticut to have his citys name dragged through the mud by someone like Kap.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Jason Garrett
Your not going to believe this but Peter King enjoyed a Jason Garrett anecdote about Bruce Springstein. As a Princeton graduate, Garrett certainly knows that theres nothing more motivating to 24 year old NFL athetletes then the trials and tribulations of a singer from New Jersey in the early 70s, and he has used that insight to give his players that extra bit of incentive going into 2017. Garrett spent the offseason in a Peter King wet dream, reading the Boss’s autobiography and one detail stood out to Jason as a example of battling through adversity- You see, Bruce was very popular on the east coast at the start of his career but not as much on the west so he had to go out there and make friends and fans in California. So he went to Caifornia and toured out there.
After you pick your jaw up off the ground from disbelief at this nugget, you begin to realize that its almost to perfect of a lesson for the Cowboys. Both guys who are just trying to recapture there glory days any way you can, and Americas team has to make there biannual pilgramage out to California to do it. The big shock here is that the Cowboys have yet another connecton with a overated guy who thinks he’s a boss, hasnt accomplished anything since 2009, and wears pants too tight, and that HAS to be pissing Chris Christie off.
If theres one thing that being around NFL players and teams has taught me its that they absoluteley go bonkers for allegorical storys about Springstein. I am putting my life saving’s down on the Cowboys to repeat in the NFC east, and sharing Springstein storys with reporters demonstrates that Garrett knows which side of his bread is buttered so I’m putting the rest of my money on him to win coach of the year.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. King James got posterized by Steph Curry in a snapface video. King verse Curry going the non-violent rout worked out pretty well for Curry when Ghandi got involved.
2. My good freind on twitter @ArkansasFred very asutely pointed out something that Ive been struggling with for the past couple years- the ludicrous ratio of pretzels to all other snacks in Delta snack mix. I strongly supsect that the redacted 28 pages in the 9/11 commisson report heavily featured the sabermetric ratio of pretzels to seasme sticks and that 15 out of every 19 items are indeed these trash twists
Its not my style to complain about airline service or try to bully them usuing socal media but I have receved snack packs that were completely 100% just nothing but pretzels on these flights. Pretzels are the worse snack objectively speaking on the planet. If we cant trust out air lines to prepare a adequately variety of treats in our snack mixes how can we trust that there kicking the correct children off flights for having lice?
By the way it has now been 14 day’s and we have yet to see video or photgraphic evidence that Clay Travis’ kid was kicked off a flight for having lice.
3. Philip Rivers told Peter King he was still living in San Diego, and commuting to LA every single day for practice at the new facilty-
“Rivers said his family, obviously, played into the decision, and he said he’s going to be sure not to be rushing out of the facility at the end of the day to get home.”
Such a “i have 8 kids and would rather be on the road then dealing with them” move its impossible to overstate it. Family will always be there but you have to take advantage of the opportunties you have to practice with your teammates and in the case of the Chargers thats really only about a week before they all get injured again.
4. The Seahawks second round pick Malik McDowell was in a ATV accident and will miss significant time even though he released a statement saying it wasnt life or career threatening well I got news for you- if your missing time out of training camp it is literaly career threatening. You cant make the club in the tub or ICU. More concerning to me is the fact that getting another player prone to flipping a vehicle just looks to be more in the same for Seattle. From Marshawn Lynchs accident to Russell Wilson in Arizona, the Seahawks have a long history of drafting players who suffer turnover’s at the end of important drives.
The fact that hes driving a ATV which is essentally two motorcycles connecting in the middle by the weight of the riders balls is more troublesome then the fact that he’s hurt. If you have all terrains you dont have one, and he’s forgetting that the original all-terrain vehicle is your own two feet.If I’m a general manager I’m restricting my draft picks to driving vehicles with a top speed of a golf car or power wheels I cant have my facility parking lot looking like a montage scene from Creed with players going Mad Max with Polaris side by sides.
5. Cleveland Browns WR Kenny Britt has been effusive with his praise of Rookie QB DeShone Kizer saying he has the potental to be one of the great ones of all time in Cleveland which basicaly means he has to complete a higher percentage of his passes than the percent of days in which he gets arrested. Its nice to see a Britt and a Kizer getting along well for a change but we all know the AFC East is won in the trenches
6. Mark Cuban threw down a challenge this mornig.
Seems like everyone thinks they can design a healthcare system better then the experts in the Senate whose jobs consist of running for reelection once every 5 years so why cant I?
Step one- make doctors more like police officers. Have them patroling neighborhoods and have some undercover as well. Americans are very self-reliant we like to think we can handle our medical issues on our own just by constantly complaning about them to family and coworkers. So when were bitching to a peer or boss just know that theres a good chance that they might be a undercover doctor. If Doctors were allowed to carry guns you wouldnt see people stiffing them on there copays which means prices would decrease across the board. The only person that can stop a sick guy without insurance is a doctor with a AR15.
Step two is liscense WebMD to be able to write prescriptions. We have the data, we can tell which parts of the country are most hypochondriac for which diseases and then just put doses of penicilin or levitra or whatever the cure for there particular disease into the water supply.
Step three- enlist everyone with a terminal disease into the United States military. We have a vertible army of pre-zombies who have expensive years left on there contracts with earth. They want to be taken care of by Uncle Sam? Well ok then how about you go clear houses in Raqqa and at the end of the day we’ll have a mess hall filled with antiretroviral pills. Courts will back me up on the fact that “first do no harm” does not apply enemy combatants.
Did I just solve medicine?
7. Whats more dangerous to your brain- playing in the NFL or writing about the NFL? Were about to find out as a Pittsburgh Sportswriter Rick Telender has announce that hes donating his brain to the CTE. While Rick technically also played in the NFL for a cup of coffee it will be interesting to see who the real heros are. You dont see football writers retiring early to make sure they can watch Derrick Roses kids at graduation.
While I am not prepared to donate my brain I will donate my balls to adam and eve dot com so they can make a sex toy out of them. Its a shame and discrimntory that they have all sorts of phallic replicas and molds but dont have any fake testicles for girls to shift around in there hands like stress balls
8. Bill Belichick has found a grittty slot wide receiver out of Northwestern named Austin Carr. Austin Carrs name literaly translates to Prius. He is literaly the ultmate hybrid i call him clean coal beasley and I cant wait to be informed of whether or not he is a outstanding young man off the field as well.
9. Players play better when there horny. Ben MacAdoo regaled the Giants with a story about some horny lion that F-worded his way from the brink of extinction back into the gene pool. Many in league circles have shared the old Buddy Ryan playbooks where he would include a penthouse forum letter once every couple pages. THis is why plays are diagramed in X’s and O’s because they suddley remind players of hugs and kisses which makes them think of sex, which builds up there aggression.
10. Thoughts and prayers go out to Mike Williams who might be out all season with a stress fracture in his back. Sabermetrically players named Mike Williams are about six thousand percent more likeley to miss time with a injury then any other name in NFL history. You just cant draft a guy with that name even if there projecting to be a hall of famer. Its like even if you meet a woman with Natalie Portmans brain, Emily Ratajkowskis body, Emily Ratajkowski/Natalie Portmans face, anybody but Megan Foxs thumbs, and Melinda Gates wallet and untouched privates, you have to walk away if she tells you her names Hitler. Hitlers kind of a deal-breaker for me, and Mike Williamses should be a deal-breaker for NFL personell guys.
Given the frequencys of injuries that occurr to players named Mike Williams, how on earth there isnt a Mike Williams syndrome. Statistically its impossible that you have ONE guy in the history of the world whose name is Assperger and they get a whole wing of the Mayo Clinic, but there have been a million Mike Williamses with ailments as varied as different types of gatorade and theres nothing named after them.
Another bit of fake news you can tell its not a journlist because it actually has scales.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Players Are Retiring Early!!! I think
Before we get into sport’s business lets get into sport’s business business:
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It is time to panic. Push the panic button. Player’s are quitting and theres nothing you can do to stop it.
The NFL, still reeling from their players-retiring-early-to-become-quantum-physicists problem in the wake of John Urschel quitting, also has a players-retiring-early-to-spend-more-time-with-there-beards problem. Rob Ninkovitz of the New England Patriots quit on his team, but more importantly quit on himself when he retired yesterday. You know what they use to call Patriots who quit too early? Deserters, and the Russian Army would shoot them. Thats why they beat the Nazis. And then today the Jaguars lost Offensive linemen Branden Albert to the disease of retirement. Albert, despite the fact that he was born with a birth defect that gave him two first names, pushed himself all the way to the NFL were he would have a illustrious career with the three most forgetable non-Titans AFC teams in the Chiefs, Dolphins, and Jaguars only to quit before ever donning the teal and rust or whatever the hell color’s the Jags wear. I call this guy Prince Albert because hes a dick who act’s like he has a hole in his head.