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Using A Fire Hydrant As A Bidet Might Be A Little Too Aggressive For Life

Big bidet guy over here. If you say you aren’t that means nothing. Either you aren’t a bidet person, or you simply haven’t lived yet. It’s a cleansing of the soul. The feeling of total freshness. The fact these ass-savers aren’t a requirement in every household is a borderline crime against humanity. This isn’t some third world country where people are still shitting in holes. This is America. In fact, I somebody could run for President on the bidet in every bathroom stance and make a damn good run. A chicken in every pot, a car in every garage, and a bidet next to every toilet. That’s the ticket. Suck on that slogan before your next depression, Herbert Hoover.

That being said, there’s a time, place, and water pressure appropriate for the bidet life. Preferably after a bowl movement, in a private bathroom, with something slightly less force than 50000000psi. Fire hydrants are more powerful than the illegal back alley shower heads that sent Cosmo Kramer to the moon. And those things were only supposed to be used on circus elephants. Take it down a notch, good sir. Unless of course you want to disintegrate your lower intestines, which might have been the Salvia’s plans all along.

PS – The caption for this IG says “Only in Philly” and I’ve been vehemently arguing against that notion in the office 300 style for the past hour. Bullshit. Stuff like this doesn’t happen only in The City Of Brotherly Love. There are fire hydrants outside of the Philadelphia city limits that can be used for cleaning out the rectum. Probably.