Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
As training camp gets under way in the NFL, many most real football guy’s have there eyes fixed on the minor leagues the SEC. After getting over the initial shock of hearing that a football coach was horny coupled with the subpoena revealing that state of Mississipi has email its time to look forward to the future, or in there case, we’ll call it 1963. I dont blame Freeze for being horny, but non-football fan’s need to understand that secual arousal is a inconvenant byproduct to being a alpha male for a football coach. You cant get in a player’s face when youve got a erection stiff arming him away. Its tough to chew a player’s ass out when your thinking about munching booty. The NCAA would do well to consider perhap supplying coaches with a prescription fleshlight with the schools initials or maybe that of there rivals, or at the very least have a gentlemans agreement to not ask to many questions about a butt dial/booty call. It leaves a once storied program in a tough spot without a coach going into league play. As far as I see it Ole Miss- which directly translates to “gorged bullfighter”- has three options for there next hire.
1. Peyton Manning. Archie and Eli went to school there and niether one was able to deliver a national title so it would be the ultmate Trump card for Manning to go there, unretire Archie and Eli’s numbers and achieve the success they never could. Say what you want about Peyton but at least when he finds himself in a murkey leagal scandal with a woman he makes sure that she legally cant be compelled to testify because he married her.
One potental problem is being on the sidelines in that southern sun all day. When youve got a forehead like Peytons you would need a prescription visor to last a full season outdoors in Mississippi, and frankly I think that state sympathizes to much with Donald Sterling to ever allow its mots important public figure to be out in public looking like V Stiviano.
1A. Brett Farve: Farve is a Mississippian and would be the perfict person to bring in to steady the course of a program rocked by a embrasseding sex scandal.
2. Buddy Stevens the coach of Eastern Mississippi Communty College, as seen from Netflix’s enthralling football documentary series Last Chance U. He knows the area, he knows the player’s to recruit, and he would build the entire football team out of Juco transfers. Recruiting only players who werent good enough to be recruited by Nick Saban would give his guy’s a much needed chip on the shoulder when playing against Bama. Buddy is a old school hell type of coach whose got a cheek full of red man and a belly full of fire & sausage casings. SEC football teams need to drop the pretense of having a academic workload and Buddys guy’s play through the “e” in “unexcused absence.”
HOWEVER: Right now Ole Miss is dealing with numberous scandals up to and including academic violations. They lack instutional control and seem to of forgotten that academics are actualy more important than football games. Thats why I am suggesting that the coaching search commtitee select a disruptive outsider candiate who can address the schools shortcomings while also fielding a competitve product- Miss Wagner from Last Chance U.
For those of you who may not watch the show please turn your man card in at the nearest sportclip’s location. She is the guidance counselor at Eastern Mississipi CC, a school that has turned out such outstanding young men as Chad Kelly and has never had a school shooting. She is very smart, professional, nice & many viewers report having a crush on her. She has basicaly found a way to become a more effecient real-life Sandra Bullock from the blind side and ingratiateing herself with dozens of promising football players each year to increase her chance’s of having kids shes mentored becoming NFL players. She is a true disruptor and has never once butt dialed anybody in Tampa because shes constatnly on the phone making sure players are in class. She spends half her life dismayed that the kid’s are screwing somethign up which is basically the job description of a football coach anyways.
Miss Wagner has experence in leadership, starting her own company to provide counciling to students called 10,000 pencils so just like Ole Miss she has experence in supervising things that havent been able to maintain lead since the 70s. Just imagine Laremy Tuncil on draft night maybe there would of been a video leaked of him putting on reading glasses instead of a gas mask, or perhaps Miss Wagner could of straightened out his future and gotten him into the military wearing a gas mask in Syria instead of putting himself in harmd way smoking marjuana.
A the first female head coach in SEC History, and the second biggest bust size in the league besides Coach Bielema, Miss Wagner would also be breaking a important barrier and give hope to every young girl out there who grow’s up hoping to get a job where they will be held to unrealstic expectations, deal with men who are obsesed with you, and constantly considered to be replaced by a younger up & coming prospect.
Or many of you would point out that you know who else was obsessed with listening to Wagner and yes your right but at least Wagner knew how to get his team fired up& outscore the competition. Sure you could hire Lane Kiffin before he coachs a game at FAU but we all know hes more concerned with Mrs then Misses. Either way Im sure the Rebels will enjoy a return to their glory days of 5-7 seasons untill they find another coach whose good at cheating.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: James Harrison
James Harrson is the only NFL player who could kill you by making you crap yourself so hard you drowned. James gets like 100 acupunture needles a day to simulate his pharmaceutical regimen before making himself perform many activitys that are about as close to the BME pain olympics in 2017 as the internet will allow us to get.
Folks its nice to see someone at the team facilty pushing 1800 lbs of weight without Martavis Bryant trying to give him half his paycheck.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Serena Williams is a great athelete but lets face facts she would be like the 400th fastest shark in the world. Everyone was mad about the fact the shark was superimposed and wasnt a head to head matchup but Im not sure whose decision it was to do that- was Phelps scared of the shark or was the shark afraid of the drug-addled Phelps’ thuggish demeaner? Even though Phelps wasnt able to defeat the animal who will literally die if it stops swimming I think the moral victory was achieved since the shark was barely even able to beat a human depsite having a 300 million year head start.
2. OJ Simpson is getting out of prison and is apparentley looking into getting into the sportsblogging industry and I know alot of people are concerned about venturing in to unchartered dangrous new territory by letting someone with questonable ethics write on the internet. I just have to say I think the Juice could be well-suited for this job he allready has the irregular bathing schedule down pat and hes gone over two years without talking to a woman.
3. Derrick Pansy is speaking with the Cavaliers this morning in a attempt to fill the washed-up point guard void left in the wake of Deron Williams. There discussing a short term deal but the money alone Rose would save on transportaton costs living so close to the Cleveland Clinic would be enough offset any gap in pay.
Speaking of Cleveland, the Browns stadium is under scrutny because it might be made out of the same flammable material as the tower in England that burned to the ground killing dozens. And folks building a fire hazard of a stadium on the Cuyahoga river is like making Robert Griffin live and workout inside a trampoline gym. I dont mind this at all since it kind of adds to the gameday atmosphere they already have in great NFL cities like Philadelphia and the bathrooms in Oakland when your not entirely sure if your ever going to make it out alive. The fact is, Jimmy Haslam should charge more money for the seats that are closest to the allegedly flammable material for thrill seeker’s out there your going to want to have the opportunity to have a front row to history.
4. The Steelers will be wearing a patch on there uniforms featuring a shamrock and Dan Rooneys initial’s to honor there former owner depsite the fact that LeVeon Bell will insist it stands for medicinal marjuana.
5. Thoughts and prayers to the Dallas Cowboys who are basicaly traveling through the gates of hell into Oxnard California
People dont talk about the sacrifices made by professonal football players nearly enough. Those Cowboys teams of the early to mid 90s would go for weeks at a time on the road during training camp sleeping with women who werent there wives and girlfriends and the toll that takes on the human body is staggering, many times coinciding with drug and alcohol use. Its hell on earth.
I am in complete favor of teams remaining entireley celebate during training camp. Going a couple months without sex with increase the Cowboys competitve levels while also helping them empathize with their fanbase
6. Im balls deep in Bruce Arians new book the quaterback whisperer and it is a wonderful glimpse into the mind of a guy whose had to work hard for everything in life. Despite the fact that its kind of a worn out genre to have another book written about a Arians struggle, Bruce believes the only master race is the race to the top of the divisional standings in the NFL and the only way to get there is with a elite QB. Couple favorite tidbits- in additon to eating paint as a child to make him tougher, Bruce also jumped of the roof of his 2-story house because he thought that he could fly if he had enough mental toughness. Bruce was given the nick name “Esquire Smooth” as a kid because he was so cool. And Arians got kicked out of a catholic high school for drinking which is like getting kicked out of the military for fighting or being expelled from le cordon bleu for bringing a knife to class. I give it 4 out of 5 kangol’s.
7. Ive been giving my takes for the last couple of months on NASA, a goverment agency run by space cadets and I’ve been so right on everything I cant stand it. NASA is up to something and there using the cover of ridiculous missions to keep funding coming in from the Trump White House when all other sciencific departments are getting slashed. How are they doing this? By appealing to Trumps notoriously short-term memory by publicizing stunts like flying a rocket into the sun, discovering new hosptitable planets like three times a week, shooting off firewords in space, and now this
Leaving aside the fact that the Southern Lights allready voted for Trump by nearly a 3-1 margin, its patronizing at the very least if they were going to appeal to Mr Trump they would of made it a taco bowl instead.
8. Alexi Lalas could learn alot from the other sharks in the ocean about how to celbrate a victory for your team
Jamaica won dos menos uno-a-cero against Mexico in the semifinals of the Gold Cup last night which I’m told is not the world cup, but it could be a chance for the US to take home some hardware for a change. Celebrating your rival’s getting scored on to lose a game 1-0 in the final minute so you dont have to play them in the finals of a third-tier internatonal tournament is so soccer it hurts. They should of been throwing stuff at the TV in disappointment because you allways want to play against your toughest opponet and now the only star the US has to worry about is the asterisk next to this inevitbale championship.
9. It has now been two week’s and we have yet to receve any video evidence from Clay Travis that his son was afflicted by head lice discrimnation. In todays day in age where cameras are as ubiquitous as thesauruses, someone should of produced video of the alleged incident where Clay’s family was briefly inconvenienced while returning from a European vacation. Its so easy to play the lice card and expect everyone to just accept it as a blind truth, but arent we owed more then that? Every day lice hustlers invent, or exaggerate incidence of discrimination in order to generate more clicks, a higher profile in the media world, or simply engender sympathy from reader’s. I’m not saying that this is what Clay is doing, but we have receved absolutely no evidence to the contrary.
10. Kid Rock is going to be a Senator. His political momentum much like his latest music is literaly off the charts. His ascent into poltics just goes to show that you can screw up all you want as long as you do it in a very public fashion. Theres something attactive about a canidate who has nothing to hide because his entire life has been a slow burn of demonstrating his wierd personality instead of a powder keg event. If Bill Clinton had grown up as a rap rock singer taking samples from the Allmen Brothers (finally, brothers made up of dudes) and written a song called “where the sun dont shine” about stratgic cigar placement, no one would of batted a eye once he continued that behavior in the White House. Besides the one that lives in his mirror, Kid Rock dosen’t have any skeletons. His life has been like the final rap battle with B Rabbit were he make’s fun of himself before Papa Doc can bring it up.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???
Jarrell Freeman of the Chicago Bears may of saved a mans life on his way up to training camp
Is it me or should the heimlich manuver be trademarked? Its nice to see stranger’s helping strangers, but we must also acknowledge that at the same time its intellectual property theft. Sure someone could die, but if you use the Heimlich your actually taking credit for someone else’s mental labor and two wrongs dont make a right. I’ll give you a example- if someone has a heart attack you can save there lives using a defibrillator that is produced and sold for a profit by a medical device company. If someone suffers a concussion you can lock them in a shed built by PODS on-demand storage. But if someones choking your allowed to just use someone elses move to become a hero? However it just shows you how many step’s ahead The University of Oregon football program is because there players have held the de facto trademark for choking while not being aloud to profit for decades.