Our New Website Turned Me Into The Kung Fu Panda At The St. Louis Arch

Big, big week for Barstool Sports Dot Com. We’ve rolled out this new website which the entire second floor has been working on for what sounds like years. Incorporating all sorts of important shit like data, design, optimization. Basically any and all fancy shit tech nerds care about. Blah, blah, whatever. You might like the new features. You might hate the new features. I really don’t give a shit. You know what I do give a shit about? The new “Riggs” the website magically transformed me into today:

Look I don’t want to be the guy that piles onto the tech team. Dave yells at them for everything especially when he thinks his bald spot doesn’t look right, so they don’t need it from me. I try to avoid it. But what the fuck is this? Seriously. Before I ask how this happens I want to know what happened. What even is this? I’m the Kung Fu Panda at the Arch now? Huh? Hey tech team you trying to tell me something? Say it to my face next time. Look me in the eyes if possible and just say it.

Yes I’m a St. Louis guy. That’s the only connection. I could understand me being the in-front-of-the-Arch guy. I embrace that. But the Kung Fun Panda in front of the Arch? Weird. Seems like a stretch.

Don’t have a ton of confidence in the new site right now.

PS — Have to keep this right? I’m the St. Louis Arch Kung Fun Panda forever now.