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Braves DFA Bartolo Colon And The Mets Should Sign His Sexy Ass ASAP

Sandy you baseball mavericking son of a bitch. Hit the motherfucking music!!!

We can talk about how the plague of injuries that has consumed the Mets was because of Ray Ramirez, Mike Barwis, God’s pure dislike of the franchise, or countless other things. But I think we can all agree that there is a good chance that the Mets allowing Tolo to go to Atlanta may have turned the team into some sort of I Know What You Did Last Summer horror movie, with players getting picked off every single day.

Well now is the time to right that wrong (even though $12.5 million was a ridiculous price tag). Bring Tolo back to New York where he went from the old fat guy that everyone liked to the Big Sexy Machine that everyone loved. If the return of Bartolo can’t turn around the bad juju in the clubhouse, nothing can. I’ve given up hope on Juan Uribe and the Hog Show ever coming back to Queens. And Kelly Johnson still doesn’t have a contract with the Braves, so trading for him seems unlikely. Which means plugging Tolo into our rotation that keeps popping leaks like a cartoon boat seems like the perfect solution and best case scenario kills two birds with one stone. Worst case scenario he is just as bad as some of the other pitchers the Mets wheel out there while also being one of the most beloved players in franchise history.

Bring him back, Sandy. PLEASE.

P.S. I would love if Tolo tanked in Atlanta because he was a spy and it was all revenge for Tom Glavine going double agent on us in 2007, which culminated in that ill-fated season finale against the Marlins.

And while I wasn’t happy that Tolo struggled in Atlanta, it was pretty funny to watch them promote him and try to get in on the Big Sexy craze when in actuality they have always been one of the most blah, boring, vanilla franchises ever (outside of The Freeze). Even their mascot was a straight ripoff of The GOAT Mr. Met.

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The lesson as always is fuck the Braves.