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Here's The Most Incredible Headline You'll Ever Read About A Murdered, Cross Dressing Kangaroo

Sydney (AFP) - A kangaroo dressed in leopard-print has been found shot dead on an Australian roadside tied to a chair and holding a bottle of booze, sparking outrage over the killing Wednesday. The animal, wearing a patterned shawl and propped up with the ouzo drink in its lifeless arms, was discovered in Melbourne’s northeast by a passer-by. “The kangaroo had been shot at least three times, prior to it being arranged in the chair,” said Victoria state Department of Environment, Land, Water and Planning senior investigator Mike Sverns.

Woo! Man. Everyone ok? Let’s take a minute and just digest for a second, it’s not safe to swim 30 minutes after eating and it’s not safe to read after having your fucking mind blown by a cross-dressing kangaroo getting murdered.

And make no mistake about it, that’s what this was: a murder. I don’t necessarily get all sappy for animals but some get hunted, some get just killed, and partying kangaroos in leopard print get fucking murdered. By the way, that’s how crazy this headline is: they didn’t even get to the bottle of ouzo (wouldn’t have been my choice but I don’t judge what other men or kangaroos drink). They couldn’t fit that in 140 characters because they were too preoccupied with the shawl, the shooting, and the ritualistic posing of the animal.

That’s the part that some people might have a problem with, the whole staging situation. But you know what? I’m ok with it because I think that’s how I’d like to go out, I don’t care if I die of a heart attack, stage me in some incredibly memorable crime scene. Heroes get remembered, kangaroos drinking ouzo in nana’s shawl with three bullet holes in their chest never die. I mean how many kangaroos are killed in Australia every year? 50 million, roughly? Every single one of those are immediately forgotten, every one except this fella.