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MMBM: The Warriors Would Get Swept By Jimmy Chitwood's High School Team In Hoosiers

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.


As we’re drawing near the close of another lackluster NBA season and playoff’s being played under the allmost communistic spectre of Superteams and there fairweather fanbases, lots of pundits and viewers are debating where the Warriors and Cavs rank among the all time GOAT teams. Is Steph better then his Dad, is Lebron better then Kevin McHale, etc. While both teams are ok, they are also products of there time, and basketball fans would do well to remember some of the foundational teams from other eras would absolutely smoke these super teams.

Namely The Golden State Warriors would get swept by Jimmy Chitwoods Milam High School Team from “Hoosiers.”

Why? Simple- teamwork. Theres the legendary scene where Gene Hackman breaks out the tape measurer to remind his guys that the basket’s, courts, and segregated intrances at the big Indianapolis field house are just the same size as they are back in Hickory Indiana. The court hasnt changed sizes, even if the players paychecks and egos have. There use to be something called hustle, and when you watch the Warriors play you get the sense that they would be more concerned with sending dick picks then ball screens. There coach Steve Kerr is a Norman Dale disciple, who learned from Gene Hackmans bag of tricks that sometimes you have to take yourself out of a game to let your drunk assistant get his moment in the spotlight.

But anyone whose ever played low-tier high school basketball coud tell you that its a no-brainer and that Milam High School would be a match-up nightmare against these Golden State Warriors for three reasons:

1. No shot clock. Fewer shot’s means less points for the Warriors and adds a 6th defenseman to Milams suffocating quater-court press man defense. If Milam lost the opening tip (which they would) and there center jumped so unathetletically that he suffered a tib/fib compound fracture upon landing, the game would be stopped and then Milam would have the posseson arrow on the restart. They simply hold the ball for 11 minutes and 59 second’s and then have Jimmy Chitwood use his superior hustle to get around Draymond Green and execute a perfect two-handed layup over Javale McGee. None of this hero ball, lets score the lights out stuff. In hoops, everytime you make a goal your simply giving the ball to your opponent. A well executed shot-clock bleed is basicaly make-it-take-it.

2. No three pointers. The only line on the court that mattered to Hoosiers is the layup line, and the hand shake line after the match. Milam Highs offense is tailored around scoring two-pointers and occasionally 3 the hard way. Golden state without a three point line would be like trying to watch Al-Qaeda compete without weapon’s that had been sold to them by the United States Goverment. Jesus’ ultmate downfall was the result of a three point attack too- its shortsighted to think the Warriors would be able to overcome that.

3. Only one ball. Milams 4-passes before a shot offense scheme emphasizes what they do best- having other people shoot the ball. Lerbron would actualy fit well into this scheme but its to bad he’s got teamates that are more concern with being in-khloe instead of being indiana

3. No salary cap in the 1950s. Milam wouldn’t of had to jettison important roll players like Andrew Bogut or Harrison Barnes.

4. Hand-checking allowed. Jimmy Chitwood and his teamates, through years of practice developing a firm midwester handshake grip, would be able to lock down Steph Currys dribbling.

5. A sense of community. Anytime a movie can use the over mood of its “townsfolk” as a central narrative device you know your in for a treat. The Hoosiers belonged to Hickory, Indiana in a very intimate way. A way that the Warriors- who seem to go out of there way to say they belong to the whole state of California instead of a hometown- would never understand. The bay area was built on a bunch of folks who went out of there way to design electronics with the sole intention of never having to look other people in the eye. In Indiana, the team was apart of the community. They didnt show up wearing headphones made in china- they carried a thermos built down the street at the lunchpail factory.The nice part about being from such a small town is that everyones related so when your playing for the name on the back of the jersey your also playing for your friends neighbors and girlfriends too. They didnt need to ask whose mans is this- they were Hoosier Men to begin with.

6. The spirit of teamwork.The Golden State Warriors are probably the lease diverse basketball team in the history of the world given that every player is fast, good at passing, and able to make 3 pointers. Total hegemonic culture. Milam High School on the other hand was a place of inclusiveness. Anyone and everywone was welcome to come play ball no matter what branch of protestantism you worshipped.

7. Milam would be playing like a team that actualy wants the congratultory phone call from President Trump

In sport’s we have a tendency to overhype the teams were seeing in front of our faces right now. Steve Kerr went on a unhinged rant the other day about how its ridicuous to think teams havent gotten better over the years in a misguided attempt to use the now-debunked theory of evoluton to prove his point. If Kerr would put down his cannibis and picked up a science book he would know that God stop’s evolving things once they reach perfection. Its why alligators and sharks hasnt changed at all over millions of years. There was no need to continue to evolve the team sport of basketball once it reached its pinnalcle of the 1971 Washington General’s. So you can keep your 50 step’s per second GSW- I care more about pivot’s and footwork aka the DSW offense. Forget your Warriors- I’ll take the Borriors.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: James Comey, Female Body Inspector

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This is kind of a enemy of my enemy is my friend type deal where you want to love-fuck someone thats hate-fucking someone you hate. If a tall guy getting fired is now considered hot folks, Brock Oswelers career numbers are going to look alot more like Antonio Cromarties then Tim Tebows. The Osweiler equivlant of the piss tape is just his 2016 gamefilm with AFC South Cornerbacks playing the part of Russian hookers- you talk about a guy getting domnated at every turn by black male folks.

Most importantly the fact everyone loves Comey and yet I havent read a single penthouse forum letter about the raw sexualty oozing from every pore of James Clappers liver spots just goes to show the discrimnation faced by people who arent tall. Sure the FBI has the whole “men in uniform” apsect, but John McCains diper is basically a wind-breaker too in its own way.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Congrat’s to Michael Vick whose one day contract with the Falcons is the leased embarasing thing to happen to the franchise in this calendar year. Vick never lost a superbowl for the Faclons, and therefore is the teams most accomplished starting QB. And allthough this might be a unpopular-opinion he was without a doubt the best two-sport athelete of the 21st century.

2. Its College World Series time and the big story going into this year is the wierd wierd facial hair being sported across the country.

Gimmicky facial hair is the human bodys equivlant of candy-ass uniforms and all these players are basicaly rocking oregon ducks uniforms on there upper lip. You know who else had a dumb mustache and got there ass kicked at Omaha?

3. Lebron James needs to stop talking about the NFL unless hes prepared to suit up on Sundays in the fall like a real man. Lebron was talking about his opinions on Tom Brady and Bill Belichick and I guess the only expertise LebRONG has is he’s used to taking all the air out of a entire fanbase. Heres the difference- New England battles back from 28-3, Lebron just sees that as his statline and calls it a day. The Patriots meanwile, celebrated there world championship with class. They awarded there players with Superbowl rings featuring 283 pieces of former coal embedded to remind there players how easy it is to get trapped in a Mine, and instead should spend time focussing on how to get trapped in a Ours.

4. Speaking of sticking to sport’s maybe Kirk Cousins should focus more on football and less on futbol. Per Peter King, when Cousins was asked how come there arent enough good QBs which is like taking a defensive driving class from Cam Newton, he repsonded:”Why can’t there be 32 good quarterbacks on 32 teams? Maybe the same reason why, in his prime, a Wayne Rooney can’t be on every team in the Premier League.” Now given their monarchy’s history the idea of a bunch of Brits sharing the same DNA in order to conquer there opponents isnt exactly groundbreaking news, but the idea that Cousins would point to a guy who in his prime, still couldnt deliver a title speaks to Cousins own percieved cieling. But heres where it gets interesting- since Kirk is basicaly playing out his entire career on a series of franchise tags, in a way, the entire NFL shares in his ownership, and honestly its paying out extraordnary dividends for the 31 other teams. Imagine, if you will, that a foreign goverment had a leader installed in DC that could concenvably weaken Washington from the inside out- you’d have to take that arrangement.

5. Thoughts and prayers to Christian McCaffrey who hasnt been aloud to take place in the Carolina Panthers offseason program because of a rule discriminates against Stanford. The rule says that players from colleges that dont use the traditonal semester system cant particpate in team activities until all finals are over. Going to be a great culture fit for McCaffrey to join Newton in a backfield where your not aloud to even try to play football during the fourth quarter.

This offseason is going to require lots of patience from McCafferey who is a second-generation coaches son, but he knows that you cant spell integrity without grit. See thats the difference between Cam and Christan- one guy wears a romper and the other guy wont even skirt the rules.

6. Peter King also report’s that the NFL is considering going halvsies on a stadium in England with Tottenham Hotspur. The NFL figures the Brit’s will keep showing up out of politeness. Brits have a history of doing all kind’s of dumb stuff just because a King asks them to so I woudnt put it past the MMQB scribe to put butts in seats. I am very interested to know how the NFL will manage this reverse colonialism in terms of either giving them a expansion team with no chance of competing within the next dozen years or a established storied team like the Jacksonville Jaguars. I actualy wouldnt be suprised to see the Bears take a look at it if for no other reason but the fact Mark Sanchezs girlfriend would be able to drink.

7. Eddie Lacy passed his second weigh in today which mean’s he made $55,000 for being under 250 lbs. Folks, a dollars to pound’s exchange rate like that take’s me back to the disasterous economic policy of the Obama adminstration.!!! Knowing Eddie he probably think’s Brexit is the meal you eat on your way out of a waffle house. Dontari Poe reportedly also has a weight related bonus today where if he weighs less then Andy Reid he get’s to take a bath in pudding or something probably.

8. I listened to Adam Shefter’s podcast with Jim Irsay last week and boy is it a doozy. In between Adam saying “wow” and “no kidding” Irsay open’s up a ven and a bunch of probably mostly-incorrect memorys come pouring out. Jim talks about going to various NFL weddings before he stopped getting invited to them, his visit to Jim Morrson’s grave, but the best part is about his guitar collecton. I’m going to paraphrase, but Jim Irsay has hundred’s of classic guitars from famous musicians because he thinks one day science will literaly be able to extract songs from a instrument from when it was played dozens of years ago. So if you own a Keith Richard’s guitar from 1967 you could uncover a bunch of tunes that he didnt even know that he wrote. This is why when he gave that contract extension to Andrew Luck after a bad year it ws on account of Luck still had all those good throws inside him that he made as a rookie.

9. Report is coming out that Leveon Bell will not be showing up for minicamp’s or maybe hes just being very patient in arriving to them.

10. And Now that the Giants minicamp is open, Odell Beckham and former almost-Jaguar Olivier Vernon decided it was worth there time to show up. Getting a guy named Olivier to play in a park seem’s pretty easy until you realize that Bank of America might take away all his funding if they dont like his production.

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???

RovellSybianThe Minnesota Viking’s have made a groundbreaking announcement to there fanbase that Superbowl ticket prices could be more expensive then normal game seats, so that sound you hear is Mike Tice literaly breaking his pants with a erection