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Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher

SST

PennsylvaniaFacing sentencing last year after being caught having sex with a student in an Easton cemetery, a former substitute teacher was able to persuade a Northampton County judge to cut her a break.

Kelly Aldinger was ordered in December to serve three to 23 months in county jail by Senior Judge Leonard Zito after admitting to institutional sexual assault, a crime uncovered when a police patrolman encountered her and the 17-year-old boy parked in her car in coitus.

It was an admittedly “very favorable sentence” for the disgraced Easton Area High School substitute, according to Zito. But it was one that Aldinger’s subsequent actions proved she hasn’t earned, Zito now says.

On Friday, Zito sent Aldinger, 50, of Pen Argyl to state prison for 18 months to three years on a parole violation after she was caught contacting her victim following her release from jail in March.

Assistant District Attorney Tatum Wilson said Aldinger exchanged text messages with the teen and reached out to him on Facebook. Aldinger also failed a lie detector test that the probation department asked her to undergo, Wilson said.

Let me say that it’s with some regret that I post a picture of Kelly Aldinger so soon after an update on first ballot SST Hall of Famer Mary Kay Letourneau. It’s unfair to ask you to go from an A+ smoke like MKL to a woman who looks like she should be running the Tilt-a-Whirl at the Northhampton County Fair. If not flat out dangerous. Going from one extreme to the other like that is like coming up too fast while scuba diving. And maybe it would’ve been safer to include a buffer SST, to help ease you into it.

But I went straight to Kelly instead just because I love her story. It’s an instructional, moral tale for all teachers aspiring to get into the sex scandal game. Here we’ve got Ms. Aldinger, trying to follow in Mark Kay’s footsteps. Getting released from jail, ignoring a court order, getting right back in touch with the kid and paying the price. But just because you want to be Letourneau, doesn’t mean you are Letourneau. Kelly is like one of those guys who claim that with enough practice anyone could be a great golfer. Or like one of those hack writers who think they could write for Barstool. Wanting to and being able to aren’t the same thing. And as much as I admire her heart and determination, you’ve got to know your limitations. Lesson learned.

The Grades:
Looks: I would rather have gotten out of the car, grabbed a shovel and had “coitus” with a random corpse.
Grade: D-

Moral Compass/Bad Judgment: It’s rare that we ever get one of these ladies caught in the act by a cop. And if I’ve ever had one doing it in a cemetery, it had to be a long time ago because I don’t remember it. Also, extra credit for her never-say-die attitude with more jail time hanging over her head. Definitely a solid
Grade: B+

Intangibles: I respect anyone that can get romantic surrounded by headstones and crypts. Particularly staring her in the asymmetrical face. The fact he didn’t think she’d just rose from the dead and put a knife through her temple alone gets high markeds.
Grade: A

Overall: C-. Sorry, but not even a story as entertaining as this can pull that face up to an average grade.

Do you have someone you want to see graded? Tweet her to me @jerrythornton1 or email me at jerry@barstoolsports.com. Your service to the betterment of mankind will be its own reward.