A buddy of mine is currently right in the middle of wedding planning and sent to our group text this Reddit thread about the worst secrets people have seen at a bachelor/bachelorette party. Now normally I’d like to reassure the soon-to-be married folk out there, tell them it’ll be okay. But as a commitmentphobic man over 30, it’s probably fair to even the odds with these people and their stupid love and meaningful relationships.
It’s a Reddit thread so feel free take some of these with a grain of salt but they’re too good not to share. Here are some of the better stories which frankly are each more horrific than the last:
One of those “I’m gonna fuck your dad” Tinder bios come to real life:
The Really Good Best Men:
Pro tip for all the ladies out there: If your new husband’s dick smells faintly of the burrito his best man had the night before, run.
The Tale Of The Desecrated Diamond:
When the Dancing Bear porn series happens in real life to your blushing bride, things are not nearly as sexy. Exhibit B:
Just Kind of an Average Depressing One:
The Case Of The Tiny Promise Cock Ring:
See, it’s not only ladies behaving bad, it’s also guys with genitals that could resemble Chyna’s clitoris behaving bad.
The Curse of the Slippery Handed Male Stripper:
I am not sure that’s how learning disabilities work but I would say a stripper fumbling your pregnant chick until your kid’s brain is damaged should get you a refund on any potential child support.
Breakup Psychological Warfare:
Maybe not a full on bachelor party tale of woe but it could not be fun to be and/or play Hearts with that dude.
So yeah…the full thread here is a great way to blow 20 minutes. Perhaps not if you’re engaged or proposing any time soon. Or maybe it is, read the thread, buy yourself a Golden Tee arcade game machine and some Bitcoin instead. Way better investment.
(Engagement photo by Flickr/Brandon Atkinson)