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This Reddit Thread Of Scummy Things People Have Done At Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties May Make You Reconsider Marriage

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A buddy of mine is currently right in the middle of wedding planning and sent to our group text this Reddit thread about the worst secrets people have seen at a bachelor/bachelorette party. Now normally I’d like to reassure the soon-to-be married folk out there, tell them it’ll be okay. But as a commitmentphobic man over 30, it’s probably fair to even the odds with these people and their stupid love and meaningful relationships.

It’s a Reddit thread so feel free take some of these with a grain of salt but they’re too good not to share. Here are some of the better stories which frankly are each more horrific than the last:

One of those “I’m gonna fuck your dad” Tinder bios come to real life:

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The Really Good Best Men:

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Pro tip for all the ladies out there: If your new husband’s dick smells faintly of the burrito his best man had the night before, run.

The Tale Of The Desecrated Diamond:

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When the Dancing Bear porn series happens in real life to your blushing bride, things are not nearly as sexy. Exhibit B:

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Just Kind of an Average Depressing One:

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The Case Of The Tiny Promise Cock Ring:

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See, it’s not only ladies behaving bad, it’s also guys with genitals that could resemble Chyna’s clitoris behaving bad.

The Curse of the Slippery Handed Male Stripper:

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I am not sure that’s how learning disabilities work but I would say a stripper fumbling your pregnant chick until your kid’s brain is damaged should get you a refund on any potential child support.

Breakup Psychological Warfare:

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Maybe not a full on bachelor party tale of woe but it could not be fun to be and/or play Hearts with that dude.

So yeah…the full thread here is a great way to blow 20 minutes. Perhaps not if you’re engaged or proposing any time soon. Or maybe it is, read the thread, buy yourself a Golden Tee arcade game machine and some Bitcoin instead. Way better investment.

(Engagement photo by Flickr/Brandon Atkinson)