NY Post- When Tasha Genatt was hiking in the heat for hours along the Appalachian Trail last spring, the 45-year-old could only think about one thing: the snack awaiting her at the top of the challenging climb. Sure, it was only eight paltry almonds, but in the moment, it was a feast.
?You know the snack is coming, so you?re definitely looking forward to it,? says Genatt, a stay-at-home mom with three kids on the Upper East Side.
The hike was part of her daily routine at GroundSea Fitness, a new wellness retreat in the Berkshires where models and mommies go to shed weight from their already slender physiques.
The health and wellness retreat ? which had a soft opening last year and launched its first official season on Monday ? is essentially a fat camp for women who are already thin and inspires healthy acolytes to be even healthier.
Attendees pay $6,000 for 5 days of hiking, wellness talks and low-calorie meals ? there?s a strict 1,500-calories-a-day diet ? served in Mason jars.
Days at GroundSea start with a 6:15 a.m. wake up by a staffer who softly knocks on the door and whispers, ?It?s a beautiful day.?
Then it?s time for a four-hour, 8- to 12-mile hike and that snack of eight almonds.
Then there?s daily in-room massages, more yoga and another light vegan meal for supper. After dinner, terry-cloth-robed guests sip hot water with lemon and gather around the fireplace in the 11-bedroom home to discuss their bowel movements.
?I?m obsessed with going to the bathroom,? says Genatt.
Alison Bernstein, a 42-year-old mom of four who lives in Greenwich, Conn., didn?t have much to lose when she went to GroundSea last year, but the self-described ?very active, fit? woman learned ways to be even healthier and dropped about 5 pounds.
?I?m not an obese person and I have good eating habits. The bar is already high,? says Bernstein.
?[They must have thought], ?How do we get 3 to 5 pounds off this one girl???? she says.
This is it, folks. We’ve found it: the most self-congratulating, loathsome collection of assholes?on earth. I’m really struggling to come up with the words to explain how much I hate these people. And you know what’s crazy? I’m a big health guy! And yet, and yet… fuck these people to death.
I hope that in the middle of one of their hikes, right before they get their 8-almond reward, during a quick yoga break, a pack of hungry mountain lions (who don’t care what they eat) descends upon the campers and systematically devours their?botox faces while the victims’ screams reverberate pointlessly around the quiet, peaceful mountains. No one can hear them; no one is coming. The staff is?12 miles away, back at the lodge, rooting through their bags to remove contraband like caffeinated tea bags.
Miss Genatt is dead, lying in a pile of her own feces. Her bowels released involuntarily while she was being eaten alive, one last bathroom break for a woman who was “obsessed with going to the bathroom.”
Only one woman survives: Alison Bernstein. Her body is a mutilated mess of hamburger meat; ironic, considering she’s a vegan. Before the week began, she’d wondered how the staff would remove 3-5 pounds from her tiny frame. Little did she know that the brutal, fat-reducing jaws of a horde of jungle cats would quickly and efficiently shed those pounds in a matter of seconds. Their ravenous mandibles gnawed the lean beef from her brittle bones with terrific efficacy. And yet somehow, she clings to life, even as blood pools in her Lululemon fanny pack.
“Help,” she gurgles incomprehensibly. Her adams apple is gone, the result of a crude tracheotomy. Just then, a swarm of bees descends upon the churned remains of her still-breathing corpse. She’s allergic! Heroically, desperately, she unzips her fanny pack, searching for the epi-pen she carries.
But it’s gone. Epi pens are banned at Groundsea Fitness because they disturb the natural rhythms of the soul. The ever-vigilant staff discovered hers while she slept. “Tsk-tsk,” whispered Johannes, the yoga instructor/epi pen officer, as he stowed the life-saving device in a bag of confiscated items. “Sneaky bitch.”
The bees do their work. Within minutes, she is dead, her face swollen and unrecognizable, the result of a thousand stings. Today was not a beautiful day, after all.
That’s how I like to picture it, at least.