Psychologists Say You Should Masturbate At Work

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(Source)But before you celebrate in the privacy of your own home, have you ever considered perhaps indulging in planet Earth’s favourite pass time… At work? Mark Sergeant, psychology lecturer at Nottingham Trent University, told Metro that a ‘masturbation break’ would be “very effective” at work and a great way to relieve tension and stress. This was echoed by psychologist and life coach Dr Cliff Arnall: He suggested that a masturbation policy might result in “more focus, less aggression, higher productivity and more smiling”.

I feel like this story comes up about once a year and goes re-viral. It’s like those fish with human teeth that eat your testicles or a stud QB that broke both his legs in a car accident, except the masturbate at work one is true. Totally true. So true that I don’t think anyone on the planet would disagree? Anyone who’s ever had a boner, or been aroused, knows that it’s an all hands on deck situation. Blood flow to the penis is the strongest drug in the world, it makes heroin look like marijuana, once you get a little taste you need to go all the way with it. The idea of tits and ass and a tank consumes you and dictates your every move. You can’t speak, you can’t work, you can’t even think until you get that poison out of you. Of course masturbation would increase productivity, if I get horny at 11 AM then my day at the office is done and I’m just biding my time until I can get home and get off.

The problem with the whole masturbate at work thing is I don’t think I could do it? Maybe if I was really in a pinch, but I don’t fuck myself I make love to myself. I get comfortable, pop that laptop on the chest, put in a new lip, and clear my schedule for the next hour plus. It’s my me time and while I’d love to get paid to masturbate, it just wouldn’t be the same in an office stall while I heard people shuffling around just outside.

Again, if I absolutely needed to I could get the job done, don’t get me wrong. I’ve got a great winning percentage when it comes to performing with myself. But I’d just prefer to do that sort of thing in the comfort of my own home. It’s like shitting, I prefer to be home and make an event out of it but in an emergency I could do it outside in a hurricane.