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MMBM: Is Roger Goodell Addicted To Weed?

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Last week some notes came out about a secret meeting that NFL doctors had with the FDA under Obama where they were informed that they coudnt fly willy-nilly all across the country with perscription pills even though soldiers in the army do it all the time to treat people who have been shot and stuff. The doctors correctley pointed out that the NFL is basically a branch of the military given that it keeps the peace- statistics show that no two countries with a NFL league have ever fought a war verses each other. And its players are no different from soldiers so why shouldnt they be allowed to have the same exemption?

The fact that Goodell has gone to such lengths to enable his employees to essentally be nationwide drug dealers leaves me with one question that must be answered:  Is Roger Goodell addicted to weed?

I’m not sure whether or not hes actually smoked it, but it sounds to me like Roger Goodell is addicted to marijuana. The crazy part about marijuana is that since every study in the history of science has shown that its not physicaly addictive- you can become psychologically dependent on it just by thinking about it. You dont have to smoke but it sure sounds like Roger Goodell is sure addicted to contemplating all of its ill affects.

Kudos to Roger Goodell for contnuing to fight the good fight verse marjuana and other drugs but I am not so sure what his motivations are. Marjuana is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people every single year. Out of the millions who passed away in 2017, some estimates put there marjuana usage at around 35%. Aaron Hernandez smoked weed. So did Charles Manson. And folks

NFL players want to use a drug that causes memory loss, blurred vision, confusion, and headaches to help treat themselves for CTE? Well that makes sense. Roger Goodell takes a bold stance against ISIS and mid-eastern terrorists who are supplying our country with marijuana and of course the lib media aplauds Joe Mixon and Conley who may as well be in charge of Saudi Arabias gender equalty issues. Alternatively, Roger Goodell might be a drug dealer. Its in his best interest for players to think there breaking the rules that way smoking the drugs is still regarded as dope,or cool. So while on the surface it looks great that Goodell is supporting United States interests by upholding the law, the fact that he is forcing his players to acquire pot through illegal ways actually just means he is directly supporting terrorists. If Goodell is able to obtain the exemption that the military enjoys he can fly barrels of pot all around the country and keep that money in-house.

Couple examples of why I think Goodell is addicted to reefer:

1. Goodell reportedly had me and Big Cat listed as “credble threats” ahead of the draft to the point where he put up pictures of us in the NFL Hotels security briefing. Marijuana is known to cause paranoia.

2. Roger Goodell wiped snot on a little girls back. Marijuana is often-times a contributor to upper respitory infections leading to nasal dishcharge.

3. He laughed when he was getting booed. Marjuana causes inapproriate laughter

4. Hes only appearing in Masachussettes after they legalized recreational use.

5. Last 4 Superbowl winners have come from Denver, Seattle, and New England- all states were its legal to procure grass. Plus he just went out of his way to relocate a franchise to Las Vegas which also approved use of hasish. Whats next Roger- the Kingston Jaguars.

6. He approved the Chargers just crashing out at the Rams pad in LA for awhile which has allmost like a co-op type hippy feel to it.

7. And the only way that you would truly think that Marijuana is addictive is if you were high as hell.

Plus I have yet to hear a medical doctor say that Roger Goodell isnt smoked out on ganja either. The silence is deafening. Therefore I propose Goodell submit himself to a polygraph examnation to see just how far into his veins the devils lettuce has traveled and untill then- the scientific community will remain unsure and we will all be left with this mental image:

goodellweed

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Ryan Pace

Ryan took all necessary steps on draft night to ensure that he was not going to be outnegotated by himself and guess what? He won. A budding Superstar out of UNC going to chicago can only mean one thing: his face will be photoshopped into a popular meme to symbolize failure at some point in the future. Say what you want about Mitch but at least he was never shut down in a important game by Dan Dakich. Not only did pace get tremendous value by turning a number 3 overall pick into a number 2 pick earning unanimous praise from other league executives saying things like “We don’t know what the hell they were doing,”

I think what happneed here was just a classic case of the video store being out of the movie that Pace wanted to rent the night before the draft. He went in there to get Draft Day but settled for Tin Cup where some jackass keeps taking unessecary risks and manages to ruin his entire career and look like the worlds biggest moron on the biggest stage of his life when if he had simply just finished with a subpar performance it would of been great.

Plus if its any consolation to Pace heres what they said about Seattles haul in the 2012 draft:

10 Things I Know I Know

1. The Fyre Fest debacle was a training exercise for FEMA death camps. Lets think about it critically for just a second here. They promised a bunch of bands that have been used by the CIA to blast barricaded heads-of-state and hostage-takers out of compounds so they allready own the licensing fees. They set up FEMA tents on a remote island in the middle of the sea,and they gave everyone wristbands which are simply practice forarm tattoos.Its funny to believe that we’re suppose to believe that thousands of milleneals would pay 12,000 for a Ja Rule concert.

2. Please to announce the debut of a new poltical commentator tomorrow on Barstool, TummySticks. TummySticks has fire takes and will blugeon you over the head with insanely correct politics manifestos. If your in to that sort of thing he will be coming in hot with a debut column of a great way to fix the demoncrat party.

3. Takkarist McKinley should be fined but he wont be, for dropping F bombs on stage after his draft. How am I suppose to explain to the kid setting next to me while I watch the draft on a library computer that a football player was using foul language. More importantly it was a blatant uniform violation to have a picture of his grandmother around his neck. This could be a sneaky way to get around league advertisement deals- player’s grandmothers will start getting sponsorship deals to wear hats and t-shirt’s of specific brands so that when they pass away there sons can prominantly display photos of themsefs on big-ticket live NFL TV events and get airtime.

4. I am all in on the Bears next season

If you cant get Les Miles on the line 2 talk about developing QBs, its not a bad idea to settle for second in Jeff Fisher. General rule of thumb is that if you have a one syllable first name and a last name that is a noun you are a true football guy. I dont want a guy whose going to be the face of the franchise- because that should allways be the fans. The Coach, meanwhile should allways strive to be the asshole of the franchise. The coach gets rid of all the crap, generaly smells not great, and usually stops working after they turn 70.

5. Philly has lost its fastball

6. Never mind:

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7. Goodell wiped one of his boogers on a amputee while walking off the stage at the NFL draft which just demonstrates Roger Goodells commitment to battling the dangerous use of Lean.

I guess people are shaming him for having a cold now, and the fact of the matter is it would of been worse if he had NOT wiped a booger on his shirt just because she was disabled. Interesting that so many of the people who are lashing out at Goodell have never invited an amputee up on stage with them during the draft of the league that they oversee. The girl could sell that shirt and make many thousands of dollars off of itso he technicaly did her a favor. Funny how Jesus makes people drink his blood and eat his body but when Roger Goodell spreads a little nose goblin on someone like its snot version of ash wednesday people get all up in arms. If that booger ends up looking like the virgin mary she could even sell it for more money and then all of you critics will be the one without a leg to stand on.

7. Interesting story out of Washington DC- it seem’s that Jonathan Allen the big body defense of tackkle out of Alabama, helped Chris Cooley move last summer. Only problem with that is Chris is a employee of the Redskins and Allen was still in college playing under scholarship for Nick Saban so technicaly this is a clear example of a college rules violation in the fact that it is unpaid manual labor and therefore a blatant copyright infringement against the NCAAs proprietary business model. Next thing you know we’re going to have Belichick having players from MIT stop by to help him figure out how to cheat better or maybe Mike Singletary will invite a bunch of heretics from BYU over to convert them to protesantism and giving them eternal salvation in heaven- the ultmate example of a impermissible benefit.

8. Bill Belichick drafted twins. Your move Dr. Mengele

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Checkmate to anyone who said the Patriots dont sign enough brothers. My understanding is that when twin’s are conceved its because both sperm absoluteley refuse to get out-worked by another one. Its a first-in last-out mentalty and its sure to drive opposing defensive coordinators nuts trying to figure out how to game plan for these two. As we know from The Boy In The Striped Pajamas and Coors light commercials, its every guys dream to experment with twins so you cant blame him for making this the ultimate fantasy draft.

9. Butt is going to be a nice target for Siemien.

10. The Draft trade value chart is antquated should be weighted depending on where your getting the picks from:

Patriots= every pick is worth 2 first rounders. 3 if its a QB.

Browns= take the number or everypick, and put it to the exponential power of whichever round it is in, and then multply by zero.

If player targeted is a Texas Tech/Air raid QB, divide value in half- but then multiply that by 4 if theyve been playing as a backup in New England for at least a couple months.

If a player has gotten in trouble for cloudy piss that actualy makes him more valuable since his urine will be more closely monitored. Players who havent been caught smoking pot are actualy way more likely to be able to get away with using it in the future.

11. Peter King had a nice update from the files of David Letterman tugging on his collar and making a uncofmortable noise: Uhhh “Great Mixonian idea from a veteran scout: “I’d hire Ray Rice as a consultant if I were the Bengals and let him mentor Mixon.””

and a huge Sabermtric update as well:

In 1967, number of Bob/Jim/Tom/Johns: 13 (48.1 percent of the round).

In 2017, number of Bob/Jim/Tom/Johns: 0 (0.0 percent of the round).

There were five Zay/Dalvin/Teez/Tanohs in 2017, zero in 1967.

Fun fact- no team without someone named Bob Jim Tom or John on the roster has ever won a superbowl. A good metric to use is to find out how many United States Presidents have the same name as the guy you drafted and if you cant even find one you need to take a hard look at passing on him.

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? The layoffs at ESPN- My Take

RovellSybian

Last week like 100 people got laid off at ESPN in a truly dark week for our industry. It seems like everyone out there has had a take on it- from Dave showering in there tears to middle-man Danocrat lib-stool pussyKatz feeling yucky about it. But Id like to offer my two cents on the matter as well. Im been a bigger ESPN viewer than anyone else I know my entire life. From “Dream Job season two” to “Who’s Now” to getting my first erections to “Bodyshaping” I have spent more hours watching the Worldwide Leader than I have sleeping. So heres the bottom line:

Maybe if there female reporters had been more willing to personaly have relations with there core audience members they woudnt be in this mess today. I have asked no fewer then 21 sportscenter anchors for pictures of there feet on twitter and in real life and each one has arrogantly rebuffed my requests. This type of political statement and rebuke of there meat and potatos viewers led directly to plummeting ratings and ultmately- to the loss of jobs. Sports fans dont want to be lectured to about how much more attractive female anchors know than they do, they just want them to do the highlights, and make them date and fall slowly in love with us and see private pics of them wearing nice stillettos- and there refusal to acknowledge this is politics being shoved down our throats and viewers wont stand for it.

Heres a dirty little secret that the suits at ESPN probably know deep in there hearts but are too afraid to admit because of PC: ESPN is what porn watchers watch when there not watching porn. They might as well of just named it the refractory channel. But politics havea way of rearing their ugly head, and as famous hardcore liberal and social Justice Warrior Walt Disney use to say in-between attending meetings of the German-American Bund and figuring out ways to make cartoon crows more racist “If you can dream it you can do it.” And ESPN has failed to live up to this credo no matter how many nocturnal emmissons there viewers have while falling asleep to there programming. Ever since Mr. Disney passed away, his properties have gone out of there way to minimize the appearances of Slowpoke Rodriguez- speedys lazy Mexican cousin, Mickey dosen’t dress up in blackface anymore, and Bugs Bunny spend’s allmost as much time wearing womens clothes as he does in the nude like a real rabbit. ESPN blames cord-cutting which is ironicaly another way of saying vasectomies and folks I tend to agree with them on that one.

Another place where ESPN went wrong was when they didnt hire the guy who invented traveshamockery on dream job season 1 because they were to old fashion to hire a guy with a beard and long hair. Classic MSESPN. But most importantly its because of how they embraced globalism by airing the world cup. A tournment that features prominant socialist nations, countries with financial links to terrorism besides the united states, and Germany. Toss in the fact that Chris Berman retired and I’m sure you can see the pieces add up. I for one, will be taking my viewing habits to Fox Sports 1 where Colin Cowherd, Skip Bayless, Shannon Sharpe, and Jason Whitlock dont have the stink of ESPN on them.