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Couple in a "Tri-lationship" are Divorcing So They Can Marry Their Nanny. Or Something.

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SourceA married couple with three children are filing for divorce so their shared girlfriend won’t feel left out.

Cristina and Benno Kaiser have been married 12 years and are in an open relationship with 21-year-old Sierra Kuntz. By divorcing and one of them then marrying Kuntz, they plan to give her legal rights to the children. …

The couple has yet to decide who will marry Kuntz, a move the pair believes will show Kuntz the tri-relationship is not “temporary thing.”

The Austin couple met Kuntz at a pet store, and after several dates began to strengthen what they call their “tri-lationship.”

While 31-year-old Christina and 37-year-old Benno are at work, Kuntz is the main caregiver to the three children, ages six, seven and 11.

“This lifestyle isn’t for everyone,” said Benno.

Of course the knee jerk reaction to this story is to say “Hey this guy Benno is pretty lucky.” Well actually the first reaction is to giggle about “Sierra Kuntz” because no man I could be friends with ever stops being 12 years old. But the second is to admire this guy for being able to 3-ways with a 31-year-old and a 21-year-old who are both way too hot for him. But having two wives is one of those things that only sound good in theory. Like Communism. Or letting pitchers hit. It sounds great until you actually put it into practice. Or to put it differently, Benno is going to find out there is such a thing as too much Kuntz in his life.

I’ve been married longer than the Kaisers. And as the risk of sounding like one of those insufferable puds who say things like “My wife is my best friend,” I like my marriage. Always have. The Irish Rose is the best person I’ve ever met. But there is no part of me that would want Kuntz around full time. (OK, there is one part, but it lost it’s veto power a long time ago.) I’ve said forever that if you’re a guy with friends, a social life and interests outside the marriage, one wive is actually more than enough. That ideally, if we had a do-over on the whole institution of marriage, we’d vote for a 3/5th Compromise, like they did when they were figuring out how to count slaves in the Constitution. Like for three days you’re 100 percent married, and the next two you go on golf trips or follow the Red Sox on a road trip or bingewatch Jean Claude Van Damme movies. That would be the perfect husband-to-wife ratio.

Believe me, I’m wouldn’t turn down a FFM threeway. YOLO and all that. But two wives means two sets of wife problems. Two people annoyed with your stupid habits. Two women upset about what time you come home. Two sets of moods. Two menstrual cycles that will sync up and give you a double dose of that cruel little biological trick. Sorry. No sale. If this is the new normal, you can count me out. I can’t be an orgy guy. Grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions. New bedspread and new curtains. Thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. Orgy friends. You couldn’t do it either.

But best of luck to Benno Kaiser and his two Mrses. I hope they’re all happy together. I’m sure the therapy for those kids will be intense and expensive. But in about 10 or 12 years I’m sure the nudie bar patrons of America will appreciate the job they did as parents. And no doubt their son will thank them. And if they’re lucky, he’ll do it in their sleep.

@jerrythornton1