MMBM: My Full Application To Take Over The NFL's Senior Vice President Of Officiating Position
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
So the big news is that last week Dean Blandino quit his brand new job as head replay official repsonbile for reviewing and analyzing all challenged plays from the New York City Control room. Shout out Donald Trump for creating a new job for him and also this one that has just been vacated. Fortunately for me I am uniquely qualfied to undertake this job so I present to you on the eve of the league draft, my official application for the Senior Vice President Role:
Heres a little pro-tip- if you leave in the autofill stuff under “education” the latin stuff sounds like some sort of a advanced degree.
And of course the key to any successfull job application is
1. Blackmail. So Roger if your reading this, I promise to never sneak into any more of your events if you hire me. If you dont then I will continue about my ways.
2. A great cover letter:
April 24, 2017
Dear Commissoner Roger Goodell,
Id like to thank you for selecting me as the NFLs head of replay review for the 2017 NFL League Season. Its a very important job that will require me to watch every single NFL game on TV all day every Sunday and issue swift judgments and blanket decisions- a job tha tI have literaly been preparing for my entire life.
The big queston is: What is a catch? I have a very simple explanation for that: What isnt a catch? When a player begs for a pass interefence call while the balls sitting on the ground and his coach is having a aneurysm- thats not a catch. Was the player wearing gloves? Well to bad because that means he never actually touched the ball. Nick O’Leary becomes instant MVP candidate. Was the pass completed against Richard Sherman? If so then yes its a catch just to spite him because I personally find his subzero mask and demeanor to be distasteful.
Another point of emphasis that I will be sure to make is in personal fouls for helmet to helmet hits. I come from the school of “let the boys play” where a offensive player can fill out a waiver before the season requesting that his preferred “strike zone” would be to his head instead of his knee. In-game urine monitoring so player’s dont overhydrate- you have to reach canary yellow before you get access to the team water horse.
I welcome all transparency efforts and would even request that the NFL build me a social media app where viewers at home can interact with me on a live basis and give me feedback for just how good a job im doing. The app ideally would be marketed mostly toward’s female fans to help grow the game and feature a live video chat and direct message capabilties to help them better understand the nuances of the rulebook and send pictures that can be saved on to a CD-ROM for private review to help w my personal growth.
The one thign that the NFL has gotten absolutely correct over the years has been denying basicaly every Andy Reid challenge and I plan on continuing this trend. The Andy Reid consternation face has been a boon to league telecasts and I would ensure that we continue to absoluteley bone him repeatedly on reviews just so we can get that face where it looks like someone stole the perfect nacho hes been saving all meal long. Also its fun to watch him try and figure out where in his giant bubble jacket hes suppose to put his flag after he pick’s it up.
But most importantly I am the perfect fit for this job because I have allready promoted myself to the Supervisor of the Senior Vice President of Officiating. You talk about intiative well hows this for being a self starter? I have a fool proof plan to bring in the most qualfied candidate while ensuring a MASSIVE boost to league ratings. Pay attention because Im only typing this once:
There was alot of talk last year about how the NFL lost ratings to the 2016 election, and now that the electoins over polticians arent important until they start running for president again. Therefore I have devised a 3 point plan to win back any fans we may of lost while improving the qualty of officiating underneat my purview:
- Make standing for the natonal anthem a reviewable play. Only circumstance were two feet does NOT equal one knee, folks
- Team up with National Guard ($$$) for mutualy beneficial recruiting campaign where if your not repsectful of my flag you have to serve three tours in whichever war we go into next. Help grow the game internatonally.
- And this is the big one: hire Bill O’Reilly as my subordinate in the original SVP of Officiating capacity. Guy is television-ready, a prose pro, and would have no issues going on the Blandino/Jones stripper bus. The NFL has gotten to liberal recently, what with its greek yogurt advertisements and handfull of owners who didnt contribute to the RNC this year. What better way to win back the marginalized audience then by using a familiar name to put butts in seats.
Every now and again in Amerca the gods smile on you with a favor. In my experience there are no such thing as coincidences, there are only events that havent been classified as alibis yet. Some of you weaker minded indviduals who havent experienced mindcell growth through a strict regiment of nootropics and staring at a Dr. Bordens soap label for 4 hours might not understand what I’m getting at here. A detail only becomes a alibi once you decide to use it as a excuse for something, therefore I dont trust anyone who ever has one. When you give a alibi all your doing is snitching on yourself for making excuses. The NFL is a accountability league.
And the ultimate “no excuses” move is paying out a alleged $13 million dollar settlement for sexual harrassments that you didnt actually commit. O’Reilly saying “I wont admit wrongdoing, but I will pay you money because I refuse to deny it” tells me he would be the perfict fit for the national football league. O’Reilly was at least generally aware that women in his office were so attracted to him that they would sue him for sexual harrassment for making them super horny but not ever doing anything about it. That is a man who knows what repsosibility looks like and I am confidant he will apply this same mentality to replay.
O’Reilly is a hot name right now plus if you hired him youd have a built in excuse for critics who say NFL dosen’t do a good enough job hiring women- well would they really want to see a bunch of women working around Bill? Do they realy think that would be a safe enviroment? Kind of a two birds one stone stiuation like when Sea World offers to keep Tilikum in his own pen so he wont kill anyone else for the rest of his life.
Has there ever been a better exmple of a guy who lives and dies by the eyeball test? What better job could there be for a guy who spends his waking hours staring at womens rear ends then a position that is 100% based on hindsight? When your a pundit you dont have to be right first, you just have to be right last, and that is exactley the job of a replay official. Plus he communicates with such authorty that any and all dissent could be removed with a swift wave of his hand, a “cmon”, and worse comes to worse he can just blame a mistake on hip hop culture.
Well I’ve taken up enough of your busy time. Let me just leave you with a final thought:
If you screw up this hire it will be a massive massive public relatons error on your part and this will stick with you until your dying day. Therefore, it is impertive that you hire me to make this hire for your therefore absoluving you of all repsosibility for potentially botching another important choice.
My rates are negotiable.
And of course you have to blow them away w your education
It helps to have good refrences too:
Should be a lock for a call back.
Programming note in this weeks column- I got carried away with my job applcation and so the 10 Things I Know I Know will be returning next week. In a bit of personal news, me Big Cat and Hank will be driving our brand new 1993 Chevy Gladiator aka Vanny Woodhead down to the draft in Philly tomorrow for all sorts of NFL hijinx. Rumor on the street is NFL securty is already putting up pictures of us and staying vigilant to our presence.
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On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Anonymous Scouts and the Journalists who love them
They have been out and in rare form this week. Its allways been my dream to be a anonymous source in a article about character issues. Public enemy number one this week has been quarterbacks. Namely Deshon Kizer and Mitch Trubisky. While Deshone has gone out of his way to anonymously bash himself by comparing his game to Cam Newton, he has quickly learned to leave the naysaying to the trained nameless professionals.
Folks I havent seen this many people being so afraid to publicaly attack a Kizer since Woodrow Wilson. They say he’s too concern with everything except for football which actually speaks highly of his time managment skills that he’s able to squeeze in literally every possible interest in the world besides his job into his life. And with Trubisky its more the fact that he hasnt played enough to make enough mistakes to know what kind of mistakes he’ll definitely make for the Browns if they draft him.
People forget that Mitch Trubisky has only started 13 games in college its simply not being discussed enough. But all that means is he dosent have bad habits. When your thinking about taking a QB think abou tit like selecting a wife all you guys out there reading this NFL column know what Im talking about. Would you rather marry someone whose had 13 average to below average partners like a ACC QB, or someone whose played 60 physical freak opponets like AJ McCarron?
And now the new knock on Trubisky is that Mitch is TOO much of a goody goody. I want a greaty-greaty.
As Peter King of Sport Illustrated put it- “Eli Manning and Drew Brees have a lot of Boy Scout in them too, and they win and command respect.”
Fair point bou know who else had alot of Boy Scout in them? thats right folks- Jerry Sandusky, no offense.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???
Theres a brand new app out there called Whoop that is somehow not been purchased by Chris Berman and it allows atheletes to track and sell there own health data instead of waiting for traned professionals like Adam Schefter to leak it to the media first.
This is honestley a literally a dream come true. Getting to accuse Cam Newton of being too lazy when he sleeps is simply the greatest possble innovation in the scientific field of takes that has ever existed. What a time to be alive folks.