ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:
Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. In case you are new to the scene, 29 weeks in a row without fail, myself and Keith Marko have ranked the top 5 performers in the Barstool office, listed those in the office who need to improve, and given out supplementary awards such as “Office Guest Of The Week”, “Ebony’s Deep Thought Of The Week”, and “Bad Bitch Of The Week”.
Well this week, I’m switching it up on you. Gonna flip it and reverse it. Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ym tup. If you recall, last week I wrote that HQ was “rather upbeat. Happy, if you will. People are high-fiving in the hallways, buying candy to share, just good vibes all around.”
But then I also was sure to add “All this positivity means one thing and one thing only- some shit will go down next week. We don’t know what. We don’t know when. But it will happen, and it will be glorious.” And boy was I right. Pat on my back. Gold star on the chart. We had ourselves quite a week at HQ, with fights, shortcomings, awkwardness…and it’s safe to say shit, did in fact, go down.
So instead of the normal top 5, I am doing this week’s top 10 needs improvement. That’s right, folks. No top 5 this week, instead we will try to build those back up who had a down week. This isn’t to be cruel, this is to improve for next week. To fix what needs to be fixed. We’re one team here, with one common goal- to get rich. If we don’t give constructive criticism here and there, we will never learn and grow.
So without further ado, here are the top 10 needs improvements from this week.
Uhhhh hey PFT, weren’t you supposed to have a book come out this week? I don’t see any books on the shelves of my local Barnes & Noble, are you a liar? Do you know who else lied to the people to get their attention?
PFT gets a needs improvement because in his book that was supposed to drop this week, Aaron Hernandez kills himself….and as fate would have it, Aaron Hernandez killed himself in real life. Which only leads me to believe PFT can see the future and isn’t using this ability to win the lottery or tell me when I’ll finally kiss a girl. So his needs improvement is to use his powers for my benefit.
9) Percocet Pete
Barstool Sports- We invented the Internet (and use it the 3 days a week we have it in our multi-million dollar headquarters).
To be quite honest, it’s a little hard to write blogs without the Internet. Like, when your entire paycheck depends on blogs going onto the world wide web, not having it makes things a lot trickier. And do you think I want to stay home, in my bed, without pants on, blogging from under my blankets? Hell no. I want to be in the office so I can hear Francis’ laugh and hear YP chit chat literally all day, without stopping. Literally. All. Day. With. Out. Stopping.
I know he can’t really control the tubes and wires, but Percs Pete is the head nerd in charge, and someone has to take the blame. So for next week, we’ll work on having Internet for our Internet company. Maybe just keep that ticket open, forever.
8) Coach Nate
This asshole rolling into the FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON 13 minutes late. Unreal. When you agree to be the coach for a content-based web company to make a video of a bunch of bloggers trying to play basketball, the least you can do is show up on time. If you think the Uber might drop you off in the middle of Harlem and send you on your way, get the Uber 15 minutes earlier. It’s downright disrespectful to be late. Coach Nate should be embarrassed, especially since he preaches about work ethic all the time. Now, did he show up 30 minutes late like the lies lies lies that have been spread? No way. You can
So for next week, Coach Nate, how about you just be on time. In fact, be a bit early. Watch some tape with the fellas. Maybe draw up an inbounds play? And maybe don’t take your 3 best players out of the game during crunch time. Baby steps.
It is no exaggeration nor is it hyperbole when we say that Frankie is legit Dave Jr. He walks like him, he talks like, he emulates him in every way a person can. Frankie is the son Infertile Dave never had. In fact, Dave brought Frankie to Boston this week to film ONE pizza review. Seriously. That is why Frankie was in Boston. Not to film the hair transplant (more on that later), but to film a single, 3 minute pizza review.
So Frankie needs to improve on remembering he’s Frankie the Pizza Maker. Young, happy, Frankie.
Became this guy:
But on the real, I don’t blame the kid. Spending Dave Portnoy’s money is a fucking blast. I think it’s foolish to say I’m not jealous he just gets to vacation wherever Dave goes on vacation, free of charge. What a good father Pres is. But next week, I think we’d all like to see modest mouse Borrelli a little bit more. Fuck Diplo though.
Oh Smitty. I could type for hours about the lies told on the radio and in his blogs surrounding the basketball game, but if you want a refresher you can read my blog about it here and watch me spit da truf on the radio here
Making the team start off in a 5-0 hole because he didn’t give everyone matching jerseys is more egregious than the coach showing up 13 minutes late, but I digress. The real reason Smitty needs improvement?
A kidney stone? Are you kidding me? You’re going to let a kidney stone push you around? I could smush a kidney stone between my finger and my thumb, and this guy is missing work because of it? Shaking my dang head.
No but really, getting a kidney stone at 32 is kinda weird so hopefully it’s just more Philly trash being Philly trash and nothing serious. So assuming it’s all gooch, getting dominated by a tiny little pellet makes me laugh, especially knowing how much pain he is currently in.
For next week, Smitty needs to work on having matching jerseys for the basketball team, and not pissing out pebbles. (If you didn’t just grab your dick reading that sentence, you probably don’t have a dick.)
5,4,3) Francis, Hank, Caleb
I’m grouping these three together, but not putting them in an order. I’m writing it in the way it best flows for the Power Rankings, and then you can decide who belongs where.
First, Francis. What a week for Francis! Welcome to Barstool, kid. Some weeks you’re the dog, some weeks you’re the hydrant. Our boy Gingy took a beating on Barstool Radio after his performance at the bball game…have a listen for yourself as KFC rattles off a few things…
That is some exchange. Talking about how good he is at basketball, but then saying it’s only his 8th best sport, just an amazing line. He reminds me so much of Sack from Wedding Crashers it’s unreal.
But he wasn’t done quite yet. He then went on to take a vicious shot at Caleb.
Fast forward to 4:05:
“He was a mascot”. Dayum, Francis. Dayum. But it’s all in good fun. No harm, no foul when it comes to internet jokes on the radio. That’s what it’s for, to let it out, bust some balls, then get back to work. Which is exactly what Francis did:
Orrrrrrr not. Straight up napping in the faces of the business people during the work day is, to steal a word, BANANAS. Sure, there’s not always work to do (there is), but at least do what everyone else does and watch YouTube videos or listen to music while you swipe on Bumble. Straight up snoozing in the nerd floor’s faces, it’s either the most alpha shit of all time, or the most disrespectful thing you can do at the office. I guess as long as the videos are straight fire, which they are, do your weird ginger thang?
So for next week, let’s focus on two things: 1) passing the rock at the game, and 2) not napping in the middle of the day right in the faces of people who are working.
The Handsome One did not take kindly to Francis’ 5 second jab at Caleb on the radio. Sure, people say so much worse about other people day in and day out either on the radio, on the Rundown, or just in passing in the office, but Double H was TRIGGERED. And he admitted so when he wrote a 10,000 word essay comparing Caleb and Francis. It was a blog out of the clouds- and I’m not even sure what it accomplished. First, Francis won the blog. Like, he was tallying random shit up, and Francis won. So that was interesting.
So what does Henry need to improve on? Call me too woke, but the blog was a bit too well written if you ask me. Something smells fishy and I don’t see JHammy anywhere. Is he secretly taking writing classes? Or even bigger, does Hank have a ghostwriter? 10,000 well put together words don’t just grow on trees. This is the blog game, bruh. Ghostwriting is not allowed in the streets. If it comes out Hank was ghostwritten, it will make WAVES in the blogging community. I’m not saying he did, just not sleeping on a Leesa about it either.
So for his improvement, maybe put a few typos in his next blog and possibly not get too upset about a joke that’s already been made a dozen times before…which leads us to
If there really was an issue between Francis and Caleb, why didn’t Caleb address it? That’s so confusing to me. Henry had his man’s back, which is commendable, but did Caleb even care about the joke? And if he did, why wasn’t it addressed on the radio, or why didn’t he blog it himself?
So for next week, Caleb can handle his shit. I think the entire Stoolie Nation wanted Caleb to fire back at Ginge, and we didn’t get it. Will it take place on the bball court? Are these two the new KD/Westbrook and won’t even be able to take warmups together? And the fact Henry and Caleb are our version of the Dudley Boys is pretty sweet too. Maybe Caleb will fill in for Hank next week on PMT. Anyway, I think this will be an ongoing storyline to pay attention to. I hope, at least.
2) Dave Portnoy
This guy. This fucking guy. God bless his short little soul, but getting a hair implant and missing 4 days of work, is he serious? I got my eyes zapped like a bug in a lamp and missed zero days of work. They told me “Barstool Nate, if you even look at a computer you might go blind.” And what did I do? I put on some sunglassses and blogged my dick off. Blogged til my dick fell straight off my body. But no days off Chief of Content got a few follicles put onto his dome and missed the entire week. For shame, for shame, for shame. Thank goodness for me, Smitty, and the rest of the squad because we want to get to the moon, with or without our pilot.
But those Internet jokes aside, getting roasted by Wes Welker catapulted Dave to the number two spot.
Vicious! Poor Pres. You can fix your bald spot (PS: can I get the hook up too?) but you can’t fix that face. Next up, new legs?
Shout out Milmore for killing it in the cartoon as usual. If you aren’t signed up for the Newsletter, get a steppin because the shit he comes up with week in and week out is unreal.
1) Young Pageviews
Remember like…2 or 3 months ago when I started tweeting that YP is homeless and everyone called me an asshole? Guess what, YP is homeless, has always been homeless, and YOU’RE the asshole for not trying to help him. This dude is homeless af. I’m not hre to homeless shame, but this is the All Needs Improvement rankings, remember, and it’s hard to need to improve more than having a job with direct deposit but still living in a podcast studio and going days without showering. If you think I’m joking, Percocet Pete even wrote it on his weekly list of Handbook violations:
For next week, YP’s goal should be to stop chit chatting 10 hours a day in the office and find a place of residence for himself so he doesn’t have to sneak into Planet Fitness Ocean’s 11 style in order to wash his hair.
That was good. That was productive. I think everyone learned a thing or two on how to improve for next week. And now let’s pass out a few awards:
Dave Portnoy Purple Heart Performance Of The Week
I know I roasted Pres just minutes ago, but I’m a fair and balanced guy. This guy is a solider. He battled through getting new hair put on his head to make that video for Twitter. Lesser men would have crumbled, but he overcame all odds and shot that video which has amassed nearly 4,000 likes. Impressive performance from our wounded warrior.
Office Guest Of The Week
Moe. Wiggum. Apu.
The fucking legend himself Hank Azaria joined KFC radio in an episode I have yet to listen to because I’ve heard such good things about his new show “Brockmire” that I don’t want anything spoiled. I plan on catching up this weekend and then listening to the episode because everyone has said how awesome it is. (Subscribe to KFC Radio)
You Can Take Trent Out Of Iowa But You Can’t Take The Iowa Out Of Trent Of The Week
A ball on a string connected to a stick. That’s Iowa livin’. And of course Trent was awesome at it. The cool thing is every so often he’ll bring out some new Iowa thing we have no idea about, be it candy, a word he uses, or a video game aka a ball on a string. Can’t wait to see what he has in store next.
Newest Employee Of The Week
Welcome Vanny Woodhead to the crew. Should fit in quite nicely. A beautiful color and only slightly over 200,000 miles on him. The grittiest van these eyes have ever seen. And check out that interior!
Tbh, just wanted to show you Stella. Lookit that face!
Pointless Office Debate Of The Week
Literally everyone grew up calling their buddy on the landline and saying “do you want to go play catch?” So it’s not really a debate.
In recent years, I’ve begun saying “do you want to have a catch” because it sounds much more sophisticated. It sounds like something a father in the 1950’s would ask his son. “Ey Skip, whatdya say you and I go out back and have a catch while your mom cooks dinner?” Like straight out of Pleasantville. That’s why I say “have a catch” now, because I love that old timey shit, but most everyone definitely grew up playing catch.
Kmarko’s Life Is Finally Validated Of The Week
100k followers. He did it. Our baby boy did it. For weeks, maybe even months, he’s been talking about how important Twitter is to him and how badly he wants to have 100,000 followers, otherwise his life is pointless. And now he got there. The Barko got there. I’m so happy for him, but also scared because now what? When a dog catches his tail, he now has nothing to live for. I’m worried about him, so maybe unfollow him so he still has a reason to live?
And I think with Kmarko’s accomplishment, we will call it a week. Make sure you listen to all our podcasts, buy all the watches and razors and underpants you can, follow all us on Twitter (besides Keith so he stays hungry), and be nice and friendly to each other out there. Good luck, god bless, and have a great weekend.