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Here's One Reason Why Every Team In The Playoffs Won't Win The Stanley Cup This Year


The 2017 Stanley Cup Playoffs get going tomorrow night with 5 game 1’s getting underway. There’s nothing in the world more exciting/entertaining than the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It’s better than any beer you’ll ever drink. Any drug you’ll ever do. Any sex you’ll ever have. The Stanley Cup Playoffs are the best time of the year and that’s a fact, Steve.

So now here were are. 16 teams have made it out of the 82-game regular season and in to the playoffs. As soon as you get in to the playoffs, anything can happen. The regular season means nothing. All that matters now is the 16 wins that are between you and hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup over your head. While most teams are now looking for a way to win the Stanley Cup, here’s at least one reason why every team will not.

Anaheim Ducks

NHL: JAN 21 Ducks at Wild

Much like how Jordan Spieth never wants to win another Masters again so he doesn’t have to take off his hat during the Green Jacket ceremony, Ryan Getzlaf never wants to win a Stanley Cup as a captain. Those images of the captain hoisting the Cup over their head stick around forever. Tough to be a bald guy in that type of situation unless you’re Messier and can really pull it off. Getzlaf not so much.

Boston Bruins


I think Brad Marchand is a little too worried about checking to see if guys are wearing cups rather than winning cups. Which is problematic.

Calgary Flames


A lot of these playoff games don’t start until after Johnny Gaudreau’s bed time. Gonna be hard for the Flames to build any sort of chemistry and consistency with Johnny in and out of the lineup depending on puck drop.

Chicago Blackhawks

NHL: MAR 31 Blue Jackets at Blackhawks

If there’s one thing the Cubs beating the Indians in the World Series taught us, it’s that we have evolved past the times that a team with a racist logo can win a major sports championship. It’s 2017, Chicago. Get with the fucking times already and check your white privilege.

Bonus Reason: The Blackhawks are better than any other team in the NHL of having a player fake an injury during the season so they can put him on LTIR and bring in another big time player at the Trade Deadline while being able to circumvent the salary cap when the player who was injured just so happens to miraculously recover just in time for the playoffs to start. They didn’t do that this year so yeah, no chance.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Winnipeg Jets v Columbus Blue Jackets

Let’s be honest here, people. The state of Ohio is not a premium state in these United States of America. I’d say it’s a pretty mediocre state at best. I say that with nothing but respect and admiration for all you Ohio Stoolies out there. But the state is about as boring as a Season 2 of True Detective. So with that being said, there’s just no shot in hell the state of Ohio gets an NBA Championship, a World Series appearance, the Republican National Convention, AND a Stanley Cup Championship all in the span of a year. They’ve simply used up all their good fortune for the year and left nothing behind for the Blue Jackets.

Edmonton Oilers

Anaheim Ducks v Edmonton Oilers

The Oilers are going with the orange sweaters for home games for the playoffs and moving forward. Now every time Wayne Gretzky won the Stanley Cup, the Oilers were wearing their home whites and Edmonton will still be wearing those for away games. But still. Subbing out the blue for the orange has The Great One rolling in his grave.

Minnesota Wild

Los Angeles Kings v Minnesota Wild

Buddy. No freakin’ way. Not a chance in hell.

Montreal Canadiens + Nashville Predators

2016 Honda NHL All-Star Skill Competition - AMP Energy NHL Hardest Shot

My dream scenario is the Predators and Canadiens meet up in the Stanley Cup Final. The two teams battle hard and push the series to a game 7. Right as the final game enters overtime, a giant asteroid strikes Earth and everybody dies and the world ends without ever knowing who won that trade. Genuinely praying for that to happen. We’re long overdue for a natural disaster like that anyway.

New York Rangers

Some guys are destined for greatness. Others are destined for really goodness. Henrik Lundqvist will forever be a king without a crown. Also–Glenny finger fucking the Stanley Cup today when it was in HQ definitely doesn’t help the Rags’ chances.

Ottawa Senators

Ottawa Senators v Philadelphia Flyers

Reminder: Cherry Hill Native Bobby Ryan continues to duck me after previously agreeing to a 1v1 game. Guy is TERRIFIED of going up against a Beer League Hero. Agreed to the 1v1 game, watched my videos, realized I’m a stud and has been ducking me ever since. If he’s that shook to play against a beer leaguer, I can’t imagine he’ll be ready for a Stanley Cup Final game. Sens will be done before most people even realize the playoffs are underway.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Winnipeg Jets v Pittsburgh Penguins

Okay this one is going to be serious. Losing Kris Letang is a killer for the Penguins. Means way too much to them on the back end to overcome that injury. Who are you going to throw out there to eat up more minutes now? Mark Streit? Yeah, have fun with that pick up.

San Jose Sharks

Edmonton Oilers v San Jose Sharks

I don’t have the Sports Science behind this claim completely down yet. However, it is to my understanding that the playoff beards actually detract from San Jose’s game in the playoffs. Think about all the grizzly mother fuckers these guys have on their roster. That amount of facial hair, while admirable, slows them down and is the reason why they weren’t able to keep up with a faster team like Pittsburgh last year. They are stuck in a tough situation because if they shave their beards, they lose out on all that playoff mojo. But if they keep them raging, they are their own worst enemy (1999, Lit).

St. Louis Blues


You don’t just fire this guy and then immediately go on to win a Cup that same season. Simply impossible. I’ll admit that getting rid of Shattenkirk and that terrible head of hair was what we like to call addition by subtraction. But firing Ken HugeCock will prove to be the downfall of this year’s St. Louis Blues.

Toronto Maple Leafs


The Hockey Gods work in mysterious ways. They are both vengeful and spiteful. And they proved that last year when they willed Phil Kessel to winning a Cup with the Penguins right after the Toronto media ran him out of town. They then rewarded the Maple Leafs with Auston Matthews at the draft. For what purpose, you ask? Well solely to get Toronto’s hopes up right before the Hockey Gods rip out their hearts again.

Washington Capitals

“It’s the Caps year”