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I Hope All Of Your Favorite Teams Lose This Stanley Cup Playoffs


And just like that, the 100th regular season in NHL history has come to an end. October 12, 2016 – April 9, 2017. 30 teams. 82 games. Done. Over. Complete. Finished. There were ups, there were downs. There was action, there was comedy. And by the end, I think we all learned a little something about ourselves. It had everything you could ask for in a regular season. And now we head in to the greatest time of the year. The Stanley Cup Playoffs. There’s quite literally nothing better than this and if you disagree then you can meet me at center ice so I can stab you in the face with my skates for being so wrong.

Watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs is like a rite of passage. Games start at 7 every night and they go until the whenever the 10pm games end after inevitably going to double overtime. You get to bed by about 1:30 in the morning if you’re lucky and wake up the next morning dealing with a wicked hockey hangover. Your brain is mush all day from the lack of sleep, you finally get home from work, eat a little dinner and get ready to do it all over again. There’s nothing like it. You can call me a hockey hardo all you want but nothing compares to playoff hockey. It is the greatest time in the world and I hope it sucks balls for all of you and that none of you enjoy it.

Because fuck you and fuck your teams and fuck whatever else in this world makes you happy. When the team you root for doesn’t make the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I don’t want to say it ruins the tournament for you because that’s not true. Playoff hockey is too good for one team shitting their pants in the regular season to take all the joy out of it. With that said, nothing is worse than being a disgruntled sports fan and watching other people celebrate while your life is wasting away in misery. When you are a miserable sports fan, you want everybody else around you to be miserable as well. Nay. You NEED everybody else around you to be miserable as well. If the Caps actually make it to the Stanley Cup Final, I’ll shoot myself in the fucking face. If the Blackhawks win another Stanley Cup, I’ll shoot myself in the fucking face. If the Penguins win the Stanley Cup again without Kris Letang, I’ll shoot myself in the fucking face. The Rangers, the Bruins. Pretty much everybody besides maybe the Flames because I have love for South Jersey Native Johnny Hockey. In order for me to enjoy these Stanley Cup Playoffs, I need the rest of you to hate them. And that’s what being a sports fan is all about.

Action gets underway on Wednesday. Let’s get it.