— Jake Stuart (@jakedstuart) April 5, 2017
This is it. This was the moment when Phil Simms blew his broadcast career. Literally. In Jim Nantz’ face. There was no coming back from this moment. Jim Nantz didn’t claw his way to the top, doing Super Bowls, NCAA championship games and being cock of the walk down at Butler Cabin every April just to sit there and have to endure the ass gas of some easily replaceable droid like Phil Simms.
Let’s break this down like the Zapruder film:
Frame 12. Simms rips the fart and then wafts it into Nantz’ unsuspecting nostrils while saying “Remember the wind?” Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left:
Frame 21. Nantz doesn’t know what hit him. He’s paralyzed from the third thoracic vertebrae, up. “I think it’s warmed up though, Jim,” says Simms.
Frame 28. Stinkeye, in the most literal definition of the word, as Nantz realizes what has happened. “Let’s talk about the atmosphere of the game.”
Frame 54. Nantz is rushed out of the area. But the wound is fatal. Simms’ career on CBS’ number one team is declared DOA before Nantz’ ass is out of the chair. Time of death: 2:30 PM, January 8. 2017.
You can get away with a lot in a broadcast booth. You can kiss every NFL coach’s ass, deal in cliches, refuse to criticize any QB ever and just generally be a guffawing babboon. But goddammit, you do not survive farting on Jim Nantz. Not ever. That’s the price of sitting next to this great man. Let this be a lesson to you, Tony Romo.