If You Button A Dress Shirt From Top To Bottom You're A Crazy Person

(Note: a lot of this blog is wrong, oops. I apologize at the bottom)

I don’t usually get into these rather mundane debates about slightly different ways to accomplish a goal. Other times, I get VERY into these rather mundane debates about slightly different ways to accomplish a goal.

Guess which time this is?

The reason I’m so involved in this one is because it was started by my friend and it lit the internet ablaze. Yeah, I called Nick Bonino my friend, we’re pals. We’ve hung out. He gave me a pretty sweet Bose speaker and I caddied for him which is normal buddy stuff. Anyway, in all our hours of hanging out, Nick never led me to believe he was an insane person. Seemed like a normal guy who liked to do normal guy things. Hell, he’s even pretty bald so on the surface you might look at him and say, “That’s an old, wise man with knowledge to bestow.” Today I learned that that’s not the case. Today I learned he’s a crazy man with even less knowledge than hair follicles.

Because, you see, Nick buttons his shirts top to bottom and, frankly, that’s certifiable. I can’t even fathom how that’s done. You know how women button shirts from the opposite side? I bet they go top to bottom too. Yeah, I just called Nick and all you other maniacs a girl, what are you gonna do about it? You want to know how to get dressed? Fine, I’ll teach everyone:

1. Underpants (I recommend briefs)

2. Socks (Nice ones, come on. Spend the money)

3. Button down, buttoned from the bottom up (it’s not called a button down because you button it top to bottom, it’s called a button down because you button the collar down to the shirt, so don’t try any word tricks with that)

4. Pants

5. Belt

6. Tie

7. Jacket

That’s how you get dressed. In that exact order. Anything else is silly and foolish, and foolish and silly.

I guess the good news out of all this is that the Penguins have a zero point zero chance of repeating now. I texted Nick (I believe I mentioned we’re pals) and he said that the locker room is at each others throats over this whole thing. Absolute carnage in there over Shirt Debate 2017. No one’s talking, everyone’s just staring daggers across the room, Kessel was going top to bottom but Sid goes bottom to top so he dumped a trash can on him, the whole thing is chaos. So yeah, you heard it here first, Pens out in the first round and no Cup repeat because they can’t agree on how to get dressed. Sad story but opens the door for the Boston Bruins imho.

SHOCKING UPDATE: I fucked something up.

I know, I know, I’m as surprised as you. Can’t believe I’d screw something up. I misread Nick’s tweets and pegged him as a top to bottom guy, that was a mistake. I own that. It changes nothing about the locker room dissent, that all remains 100% factual right down to the wrestling-like garbage can bashing, but I apologize for lumping Nick in with the rest of the maniacs. I also apologize for the hair jokes, in light of the new information that seems like it was unwarranted.

I’m sorry for calling Nick crazy, I’m not sorry for calling you actual top to bottom assholes crazy. I stand by that.