Myself and Barstool Carl Went On CLTV's "Sportsfeed" Last Night, Stole The Show

White Sox Dave3/31/2017 12:00 AM

So a few weeks back I got a text from the producer of CLTV’s “Sportsfeed” asking me to come back on for the start of baseball season. Thought this was kinda odd, seeing as I made a complete and total asshole of myself last summer the first time I went on. We’ve all seen the video at this point. Humiliating. No, I’m not gonna link it. Even after like 10 months it doesn’t get any easier watching it for me. It’s not easy being known as the “gum guy” when I walk into bars and shit. For a few months I felt like Randy Marsh after he went on Wheel of Fortune. But, to my defense, it was 10000 degrees that day with 1 billion percent humidity and I had to leave work, shower, suit up, and get to the studio within an hour. Not only that, but my shower didn’t take and I was nervous as FUCK. Pair all that with me being a hat guy (feels good to finally admit that my hair flat out sucks) and I was sweating my absolute ass off. Needless to say, all of that leads to straight up embarrassing TV. No joke, my dad said I soiled the family name.

Thanks a lot, Dad!

Anyways, fast forward to a few weeks back and low and behold, my lack of chewing ability was apparently good enough to warrant an open invite because I was asked back on. You can click here to see the entire 20 minute segment.

Seeing that Carl and I have a little project in the works, I thought it’d be a perfect opportunity to go on, promote Barstool and our project, talk some Chicago baseball and attempt to redeem myself.

You can watch the video on the link to hear all the Cubs/Sox talk but I’d be remiss not to start with this… Carl fucked up. Not even close to as badly as I did, but still kinda bad. Enough to at least take a smidgen of the heat off me. How so do you ask? Well, the host of the show is Josh Frydman. Carl, the big doofus, calls him Jordan not once, but TWICE while we were live. The first time he did it, Josh and I met eyes and I about to spit out my gum and I wasn’t even chewing any. Then we cut to a commercial and Josh, in the nicest way possible says, “uhhh hey Carl. My name’s not Jordan, it’s actually Josh. Way to blow it ya big idiot” (not really, but kinda). Anyways, the two buried the hatchet on air and on we went!

Figured I might as well Papa Doc everyone after the fact and just shove a ton of gum in my mouth while talking some White Sox. Embrace the fact that I am and forever will be the Gum Guy. Also, it’s now official: Guarantee Rate Field is now being called the “G Spot”. Didn’t really plan on dropping any sexual innuendos on live television but I’m also not most quick witted guy alive, so I kinda just blurted it out like the moron I am:

Seriously though, it was a really fun segment. Just bloggers who have zero broadcasting experience ducking and dodging questions about advanced stats while having a chew (of gum).

A few things:

1. If I were to grade my undershirt’s performance, I’d be obliged to give it a 0 out of 10. An F. A DNQ. It was an abortion of a performance.

I will say this though, and it’s something I’m trusting you all to not make fun of me for: I have a problem with nipping out. On any given hour of any given day my nipples can and will cut glass. I had to register them as lethal weapons in Cook County. Why? No idea. Just have constant THO. Hence the undershirt. It doesn’t help that Barstool shirts are paper thin either. That said I’d much rather be a “gum gum who has a fucked up undershirt game” guy than a “gum guy who has rock hard nipples on live TV” guy every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

2. Also on the subject of undershirts, Carl was sporting one himself:

Very subtle, low key. Cool. But guess what? Carl went out to Dick’s Sporting Goods to buy some fat-sucking-in shirt so he didn’t look fat on TV. Love the kid, but when he told me he actually did buy the fat-sucking-in shirt I couldn’t wait to roast him about it via web blog. Be more insecure bro, you can’t!

3. Camera adds roughly 30-40 pounds. Even though I just got done ripping on Carl for wearing a fatsuit or whatever they’re called, I wish I would have worn one too. Call me fat, put me down, have your laughs at my expense. I’ll combat you by asking this simple question: Are you registered to run in the 2017 Bank of America Chicago Marathon? No? Because I am. So suck it!

4. Brought a baseball to fiddle with during the show because I never know what to do with my hands on these things. Old “I studied Sports Management at an overpriced liberal arts school and not broadcast communications” trick.