Spiders Could Eat Every Human On Earth In A Year If They Wanted To But They're Too Pussy

I guess this headline has people shaking in their boots on https://www.twitter.com today, but you know what? I’m so fucking over spiders. I’m tired of their threats and I’m tired of living in fear so I’m just gonna come out and say I’m #done with it.

If a bunch of spiders want to come and try eat me then I welcome the challenge. Oh you could do it if you wanted to? That’s such a “hold me back, bro” copout by these pussy arachnids. I could get my life together in this calendar year. I could clean my room this year. I could clean my gmail or open space on my phone so I don’t get a “Low Storage” message every time I try and take a picture. I’m not going to do any of those things so I don’t even pretend they’re possibilities.

But all these Charlotte bitches want me to be scared because they’ve got their finger on the trigger and could strike whenever they wanted? That shit doesn’t scare me. Action is what scares me. Action is what humans do. If we can take a land then that’s exactly what we do, ask the Native Americans. We don’t make these little threats through an SF Chronicle tweet. When the spiders are ready to fight instead of run away whenever I have newspaper in my hand and the lights on, then come see me. Until then, shut your little bitch mouths.

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PS – I know the spiders won’t read this but I haven’t been this scared writing a blog since I did my “troll the ISIS twitter account” schtick for a few weeks. Not my most well thought out bit.