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This Tinder Chick In A Bikini Might Have The Worst Breakup Story On Any Dating App

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I can think of nothing more rattling for a young woman than meeting a dude, spending weeks dealing with the uncertainty that comes with caring deeply about the person but not wanting to scare them away, finally winning them over and giving of yourself emotionally and physically to make it work…aaaand then there he is dressed in your nicest panties with a rubber dick in his bung. If there’s anything that sums up the fickleness of love and the importance of being a good judge of character, that’s it. You can put in all the steps, think you know a person, and then just like that they’re being told by Mistress Menorah from Tumblr to jam the nearest objects or phallic objects directly into their orifices. The curveball that is life. The good news? Talk about a real low bar for whatever guy’s batting cleanup here. Keep your nose clean and your ass devoid of plastic penises and it’s smooth sailing with a San Diego smoke. In some respects, online mistress dude is a hero to at least a few lucky guy out there.

And bingo bango it’s another week of the internet’s #1 Tinder roundup. And that means one thing: Time for you to catch up with Barstool SPORTS’ elite dating podcast Swipe Drunk Love:

Soundcloud link here if you nasty. This week we had Rear Admiral of Spittin Chiclets on to pick his brain about being an older married dude, the differences between dating now versus his heyday, and a lot of buttplay talk along with the interesting story of how Rear Ad got his nickname. It was a fun episode with him and me, Smitty, and tit monster Alyssa Rose holding it down along with my favorite human Tex so double your Spags double your pleasure and check it out.

And as always, thanks to the folks who sent in screenshots, make sure to follow me on Twitter and Instagram to DM in yours, and now let’s get to the blog:

V

(via V)

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If you’re not already, make sure to follow the Swipe Drunk Love Instagram too since I’m throwing up bonus screenshots from my Tinder submission surplus everyday.

JT1

JT2-tobeclearthisishowyourdickendsuponsomegaydudeswholovestraightdudessubreddit

To be clear: This is how your dick ends up on some Gay Dudes Who Love Straight Dudes subreddit (via JT)

CS-probablyonherelookingforabigblackbulltofuckhisgirlclassicCuckJerry

He’s probably on here looking for a big black bull to fuck his girl, classic Cuck Jerry (via CS)

GD-homerwouldhavegivenupinonedayifthiswashisOdyssey

Homer would have given up after one page if this was his odyssey (via GD)

DCW1

DCW2-officiallyapprovedsocialmediafollowoftheweekandtheremayevenbeafewSpagsPromisesonherInsta

Here’s an early officially approved social media follow of the week and there may even be a few #SpagsPromises on her Insta (via DCW)

TA-poorCelticscheerleaderdoesntknowallherpeersareonbumble

Poor Celtics cheerleader doesn’t even know all her peers are on Bumble (via TA)

SB-PAIRWITHCELTICSevenflyerscheerleadersknowtobeonBumblefigureitoutCelticsgirls

See, even Flyers cheerleaders know to be on Bumble and they’re from Philly. Figure it out, Celtics girls (via SB)

JS-treatthisgirlrightandtakethetaxwriteoffforcharitableendeavors

Treat this girl right and take the tax write-off for running a Make A Wish-style charity (via JS)

ZR1

ZR2-boulderissuchatrapchickslikethisandelgalweedbutlikea9010guygirlratio

Boulder is such a trap, chicks like this and legal weed but it’s like a 9:1 guy girl ratio (via ZR)

JM-mattressesmattressesalwaysmattresses

Mattresses. Mattresses. ALWAYS mattresses. (via JM)

B-theSwipeDrunkLovepickuplineoftheweekmayapplyhere

This week’s Swipe Drunk Love pickup line of the week “Are you a hockey fan? Because I bet my stick would fit good in your crease” may be helpful here (via B)

M1

M2-definitelynothotenoughtojustifythiscockybiobutibetsheworksameandick

Definitely not hot enough to justify this cocky of a bio but I bet she works a mean dick (via M)

EE-givemeahotblondegirlwithalastnameforafirstnameandiaminEverySingleTime

Give me a hot blonde girl with a last name for a first name and I’m in Every. Single. Time. (via EE)

CC

(via CC)

K1

K2-thisisnotthekindofprofileiassociatewithmyhotblondestypically

This is not the kind of profile I associate with my hot blondes typically (via K)

JG-iassumethepooptouchingisworkrelatedbutsheisAsiansotbd

I assume the poop touching is work related but she is Asian so TBD (via JG)

MD

(via MD)

DS1

DS2-claireandfrankunderwooddidntlastforareasonlady

SPOILER ALERT Claire and Frank Underwood didn’t last for a reason lady (via DS)

AP1

AP2-lovewhengirlstaketheirunconventionalbusinessplanstotinder

I love when girls take their unconventional business plans to Tinder (via AP)

A-fromwhaticangatherfromgoogleGordibuenasislikeBBWpornandthatsanAWESOMEname

From what I can gather from Google, “Gordibuenas” is like BBW porn and that’s an AWESOME name (via A)

C1

C2-everyjourneybeginswithadesperateunlikelyfootstep

Every journey begins with a desperate unlikely footstep (via C)

And onto the hot and NSFWish ones….

R-HOTNSFWthatsthekindofbootythatifshepushesbackyoumightgetsentflyingoutoftheroom

That’s the kind of booty where if she pushes back during sex there’s a decent chance you’re getting sent flying out of the room (via R)

SK-HOTNSFWloveeverythingaboutthischicksbodyandshegoestoMarylandsoyouknowshepokes

Love everything about this chick’s body and she goes to Maryland so you know she pokes (via SK)

c-HOTNSFWdiversityinspagspromisesiscrucialforracerelationsinamerica

Diversity in the #SpagsPromise is crucial for race relations in America (via C)

JG-HOTNSFWisitpossiblethisevenhotterthanitwouldbeifsheweregoingfullytitsout

is it possible this is even hotter than it would be if she were going fully tits out?

WG-HOTNSFWanicechillybeachdaySpagsPromiseisgoodforthesoul

A nice chilly beach day #SpagsPromise is good for the soul on a beautiful day like today (via WG)

MP-HOTNSFWbiiiigtimeSpagsPromiseherewouldlovetoseethoseunsheathed

Biiig time #SpagsPromise here, I’d love to see those hounds unsheathed (via WG)

ZH-HOTNSFWthesegirlsfucksadlynotanyofus

These girls fuck…sadly not any of us (via ZH)

CJ-HOTNSFWaffirmativeactionyouvegonetoofar

Affirmative action, you’ve gone too far (via CJ)

D-HOTNSFWnotquiteaspagspromisebutiwouldntmindgettingsomemoreBumblecameltoeinthemix

Not quite a #SpagsPromise but I really wouldn’t mind getting some more Bumble camel toe in the mix (via D)

A-HOTNSFWicanthinkofmanyplacesiwouldgiveherawetwilly

I can in fact think of many places I would give her a wet willy (via A)

RW-HOTNSFWifyouspellAnnalikethatyourelegallyobligatedtonotwearabrathatsalsoaSpagsPromise

If you spell Anna like that you’re legally obligated to not wear a bra, that’s also a #SpagsPromise (via RW)

MF-HOTNSFWilikehernotjustbecauseshehasacoolbuttbutalsobecauseshesthoughtful

I like her not just because she has a cool butt but also because she’s thoughtful about it (via MF)

CVA-HOTNSFWqualityfitnessonthatbutt

There’s some quaaaality fitness going for that butt (via CVA)

CR-HOTNSFWfarawaybuttshotslikethatrequiresomequalityBoatplay

Far away butt shots like that have to get you in the mood for some quality boat play (via CR)

T-HOTNSFWcallitahunchidontthinkshellhavemanyissuesfindingfriends

Call it a hunch but I don’t think she’ll have many issues finding friends (via T)

And there we have it, another week in the books. Make sure to follow me on Twitter and Instagram to send in your screenshots, thanks again to the folks who sent things in, and happy swiping!